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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Reported for abuse by 17 year old daughter UPDATE

117 replies

marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 17:18

Hi. Update on previous thread. Social services were contacted by my daughter. Social worker went to see her at her nan's yesterday. Had phone call from her dad and the social worker. D is adamant she won't come home or even allow ss to mediate. They have offered her accommodation in a family home - whatever that is. Prob. take weeks to sort out while she stays with her nan. I am livid atm - feels like a massive kick in the teeth. Still, it's out of my hands now - let them see if they can help her as I so obviously failed. Tbh I'm thinking about moving way now and breaking all contact

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ghostspirit · 10/09/2015 17:29

sorry i have only seem this thread so not the first..

why are you thinking about breaking all contact?

Mitzi50 · 10/09/2015 17:36

Sorry you're going through this. If you can, I would try to back off but maintain occasional positive contact maybe by text to let her know you care - easier said that done I know

ghostspirit · 10/09/2015 17:43

just read your other thread...i have been though hell with my teenager over past few years or so... i got alot of advice from here and i managed to put my foot down. it was so horrible at the time though.

please try and stay in contact with your daughter like mitzi says maybe by text.

MrsDeVere · 10/09/2015 17:47

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HappyBeet86 · 10/09/2015 17:49

Teenagers can be twats but they usually get better.

Can you just keep polite but distant contact.

She's a nightmare now but if you move away you'll never know what relationship you could of had eventually. People grow up, she could have your grandchildren etc.

marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 18:09

She is refusing all contact with me, incuding texts. Also she will be getting housing benefit and income support so I will lose child benefit and child tax credit. Also housing benefit will reduce. I am self employed on a small income so will probably have to give up my business and sign on to stay housed myself! I told social worker this and she said 'oh, you would need to get advice on that.' D has caused so many problems by doing this.

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 18:12

I also won't be able to support her financially with her fares for college so who is going to pay for that?

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JeffsanArsehole · 10/09/2015 18:12

Are you sure you will lose housing benefit? Can you move to a smaller place?

You won't need child benefit or tax credit though as you won't be supporting her, which is a good thing for you.

Just send the odd text but don't pursue. I know and totally understand why you don't want contact with her but she will get better in future.

Just leave the door open but don't put up with any crap from her. If she sends abusive messages then block her.

JeffsanArsehole · 10/09/2015 18:13

She will get money via SSfor her bus fare etc so don't give her any ever

PacificDogwood · 10/09/2015 18:15

I read your other thread but had nothing to say - how horrible and hard all round

I think you need to back right off - as you've said she is SS's responsibility now, and her own. She will need to pull her socks up and be independent and either this will be the making of her or she will realise the error of her ways.
I'd lie low for a couple of weeks and then text something along the lines of 'How are you doing? I am thinking of you and I love you'. Then it's over to her again.

MrsDeVere · 10/09/2015 18:18

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 18:34

Thank you all

MrsDeVere: I think it means the carer gets paid for the room and gets an allowance for her. It seems to be mainly for kids leaving care. I hope they are aware of all her issues because it is very, very hard keeping her 'safe.'

Can't beleive it has come to this. She could have been independent / yet supported here if she had given me a half a chance. God knows I tried.
I think I will stop claiming CB and CTC as soon as she moves in wherever it is. I won't be giving her any money because I won't have any spare. I will also go and see the council about moving to a smaller place. One bedroomed so she can't move back. I'm sorry but she reported me for abuse (as previous thread), made it seem like it was unsafe to live with me and went to ss. It's in their hands now. Funny, I didn't get any help from ss, school, or cahms when I was desperately struggling on my own with her.

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 18:45

BTW they offered her temporary accommodation in a hostel which she refused. Local place notorius for disturbed teens and people with drink and drug problems. Brilliant choice for a 17 year old with D's problems. Sure she would have been really safe there! Idiot bloody social worker sounds no more than a teenager herself.

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MrsDeVere · 10/09/2015 19:03

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 19:14

Yes, I think she thought she would get a flat or a room in a shared house - everything paid for - and income support to live on. Doesn't work that way obviously. Anyway, she is at her nan's atm while they sort out supported lodgings which could take weeks / months I suppose. She may change her mind in the meantime although I doubt it. Guess I'll just have to go with it one step at a time. Thanks for your support.

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MrsDeVere · 10/09/2015 19:30

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 19:51

Will she be allowed to come and go as she pleases? Do all the things she does here like: stay away for nights and days on end without phoning, stay with her boyfriend, have him stay over there, not help with anything in the house, drink, (probably) take drugs, lay in bed half the day, not go to college, demand money. Maybe she won't do it there but if she does will they be able to stop her?

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MrsDeVere · 10/09/2015 19:58

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 20:33

I worry that she will be placed with someone who can't handle her or doesn't care and she will be mixing with other troubled kids which will make her behaviour worse - especially the self harming.
This is a crazy situation. I am putting the care of my daughter over to a complete stranger.

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 20:35

Is there anyway I can appeal this decision by SS

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JeffsanArsehole · 10/09/2015 20:39

It isn't an appeal type thing, she has chosen to go and that's that. It would be a really bad idea for you to let her back in, it's not good for you. You don't deserve to be abused in your own house.

She will very likely behave much better for someone else. Teenagers often really hate being told what to do by the people who love them most, they hear it much better from a more distant adult.

sliceofsoup · 10/09/2015 20:55

I am putting the care of my daughter over to a complete stranger.

I will lose child benefit and child tax credit

D has caused so many problems by doing this.

I read your other thread but had nothing useful to say, so I didn't post.

Your anger and despair are coming through in your posts now. And I know it must feel overwhelming that these decisions that affect your life are being made with no input from you at all. But please try to gain some perspective here.

Your DD is 17, she needs to be caring for herself now, and making her own decisions. Sadly it sounds as though she is making poor choices, but she is nearly a legal adult, at some point she will have to take responsibility for herself. The situation she is now in, in care, won't be a picnic.

As for the benefits, they weren't going to last forever, so blaming her for them being taken away is pointless. What were you going to do in a years time when they stopped because of her age?

Please do not wash your hands of her in haste now, because you might regret it down the line. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

MrsDeVere · 10/09/2015 21:09

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 21:12

Yes, but being in care isn't caring for herself is it and it probably won't stop her making poor choices. And when she makes those choices is anyone else going to be able to stop her any better than I could?
As for benefits I would have received them if she was living here until 19 (when she finishes her college course.) That would have given me time to build my business and have a reasonable income once she had left - or maybe she would have got a job and help me out financially. Either way I had 2 years to work towards it. Plus she has money in trust for Uni.

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marieisme123 · 10/09/2015 21:21

And the reason I started a business was so I could work from home and be there to support her through the rest of school.

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