12yr old Son pushing me to limit

[patch123]

Can you give me some ideas on where to go with my 12yr old ds. I live with my two boys but they see their Dad regularly. I try to be a very fair parent and praise positives and pick my battles etc but I think my son is going off the rails. He has started swearing either at me (f*ing idiot) or in general (wtf... piss off) and we are not the sort of family to be like this. He is constantly on his phone and the game he plays makes him cross and irritable. He can't sleep he hits his Brother, won't do anything he's told and if he doesn't get his own way will kick off. Is this normal for boys hitting puberty? Is this all my fault? I try very hard to fet a balance so no phones at the table so we talk, go out for walks together to parks, nice places and also to TRY to just laugh and chat at home but its getting increasingly difficult to get him to comply with anything I ask. Its affected my relationship which after a few yrs has broken down and one of the reasons is his behaviour (but certainly not all his fault).

I seeked professional advice who say don't ground him or take away his phone but these are the only two things I have to use as consequences.
I'm at a loss and worried I will end up with an abusive disrespectful teenager and actually feel this is him already. I don't want my other Son following suit but can see him picking up habits from ds1.

Do other people have these rude, disrespectful, aggressive attitudes from their children or am I a rubbish parent?

[Slammerkins]

No, you're not a rubbish parent.
Can you talk to him when he is calm and explain that getting so engrossed in a game can alter the brain temporarily and make him angry and overexcited. He will probably pretend you are talking bollocks but he will probably take it on board.
Set the boundaries for the abusive language whilst not making a big thing of it. Say "you should not be talking to me like that. That is not how we treat each other in this house" and walk away. Point out to him, again when he is calmer, that it is a bad example to set for his brother.

[patch123]

I find ot very hard to ignore the swearing as I am not a swearer so find it so disrespectful. Would you give a punishment for swearing or not?

[Slammerkins]

I don't directly, no. I have drastically cut down time on certain online games as I noticed a direct correlation between getting het up and confrontational and playing them. Explained that it wasn't a punishment but X leads to Y, research has shown it and in the interests of family harmony he needed to cut down. And in in the interest of his own well being, as it's not pleasant to feel like that.
Swearing is just words, but some words you don't use to your parents or around siblings.

[Jerseyknit]

I could have written your post. My ds is similar although I'm on my own with him so its probably in some respects easier because it impact s mostly on me alone. I'm looking forward to school term starting and hope this has a positive impact on his behaviour. I've learned to allow him his space, let him sleep late (he needs it). Accept he doesn't want to spend time with me. Don't make too much of an issue about swearing but consistently remind him I don't like it. I'm mindful he's growing up and establishing his own way of being so I speak to him the way I would speak to another adult. For example, if he hurts my feelings, I tell him so without blame. If he won't do as I ask I sit down with him and we discuss why I'm asking and I get him to tell me what he thinks is fair. He's still grump and difficult a lot of the time but, he also apologises if he can see he's upset me and if he accidentally swears he apologises. If he's been really aggressive while he's gaming, I have the excuse of a new baby next door and explain the noise impact. I also mention to him it might be helpful to take five minutes out from gaming, explaining the benefits of reducing his anxiety and levels of frustration. I absolutely agree it's not always helpful to remove the things he uses to relieve his frustration. These are just examples and my approach might not suit everyone. In a nutshell, I let things slide, a talk with him and ask for his views on solutions and think that treating him like and adult and respect ing his opinions has helped. Who knew being a parent would be this tough! I've recently watched a great movie about today's teenagers and their relationship with tech. Ill google the name of it.

[Jerseyknit]

It's called men women and children. I found it a really interesting movie and really made me think a bit more about how I relate to my child.

[IguanaTail]

Yes punish for swearing. If he doesn't respect you he can't respect himself. He may well be seeing what you "do about" swearing and be seeing if you act when he crosses this boundary. If he spoke to a teacher like that at school he would probably be on a fixed term exclusion, the fact that he doesn't do it at school (presumably) shows he can control himself.

You need to plan out in advance what the tariff is for being disrespectful, then sit him down when he is calm and go through your plan. Tell him you take your job as a parent far too seriously to put up with rudeness and disrespect. The phone is ideal. I would say that if he swears in your presence (otherwise it will be hard to differentiate between comments like "for fuck's sake" and "fucking idiot" then his phone goes for 24 hours. If he hands it over straight away and there is perfect behaviour and he doesn't ask, then he will have it back then. If there is any issue then it will extend by one hour for each misdemeanour.

He's testing you out. Don't let him down by accepting it and having little discussions about being nice - he is teaching you that that is not enough.