15 year old attitude problems

[Tania1234]

I separated from my partner and father of my child last year. My 15 year old son seemed absolutely fine with it. I am now with a new boyfriend and this is where the problems started.

They did get on alright. They spoke and were civilised to one another. Then my son started becoming jealous of the time I spend with him. I would see my boyfriend most nights in the week and leave my son alone, often all night. I assumed he would enjoy this and it would teach him responsibility.

The problems became worse. My son and I began to have arguments more and more frequently. My boyfriend stepped in on one of the arguments and swore at my son. I didn't know what to do and I failed to tell my boyfriend not to swear at him again. My son seemed to see this as an attack.

The situation was not helped when my son directly confronted me about the situation. He asked me straight up "do you love me or your boyfriend more?" Before I had time to think I told him that I love them both equally. I know this was wrong and I tried to tell him it wasn't true and it's different love. However each time my son asks me the same question I cannot lie to his face so I simply don't answer.

Now me and my son are in constant arguments. I don't know what to do. Please help.

[Moojay]

Did you not just post this, albeit with a few different details?

[Bunbaker]

Are you the same poster who sees the boyfriend 6 nights a week and leaves your son alone all night?

[Moojay]

Yes Bunbaker, I believe OP is.

[Tania1234]

Yes I am the same person I just please need some advice. The thread got deleted.

[Passmethecrisps]

There were lots of comments on your previously deleted thread.

Your behaviour towards your son has been unkind. You don't stop being a parent once they hit their teens and you have a duty of care towards him.

On your previous thread you mentioned that his father was physically abusive. You have allowed a stranger to swear at your son and have told him that you love him 'equally' to a man you have only known a year.

You are setting your son up to fail.

As I said on your previous thread when you talked about 'weaning him off you' you are being emotionally abusive and neglectful

[Bunbaker]

Because you don't seem to understand that behaving like a lovestruck teenager is just not on.

You are a mother. Your son comes first

a) He feels second best because you make him feel second best
b) Regularly leaving him alone all night makes him feel you don't care
c) You absolutely have to stick up for your son towards this new boyfriend.

Can you really not see how much damage you are doing?

Grow up and be a parent.

[hairtoday1]

You leave your son alone Six nights a week? Jesus

He doesn't have an attitude problem, he has a mother problem

[Tania1234]

Thank you - some advice finally! Can I just say that this isn't a troll. I am actually the son of this 'mother' and I am just wondering if I am being over dramatic or not. Do you have any advice for me? What should I say to my mum? I really don't want to go and live with my dad. I promise you none of this was exaggerated. Please help me.

[Passmethecrisps]

Advice -

Stop leaving your son alone over night
Reduce the number of nights you are with your boyfriend
Reassure your son that you love him more than anyone in the world as this should be true. If it isn't you have major issues.
Spend proper quality time with your son as words are cheap.
Never allow anyone to threaten, swear at or be abusive to your son again.
Show your son you mean this by sitting down with him and boyfriend and saying this. Make it clear to both who your priority is (your son, just in case you weren't sure) and that you will not tolerate further aggression toward your child

[gymboywalton]

okaaaaaaaayyyyyy...i am going to be nice and answer as if this is real.

1. Your son will not have been fine with you splitting up with his father. he might seem fine but he will not have been.
   
   
2. Leaving your son alone every night-often overnight is neglect. I have a son who is 15 too. I leave him home alone ocassionally for a few hours but while i am out i call and text to make sure he is ok. he is not an adult. If he was left alone every night and overnight, he would probably be lonely and scared.
   
   
3. you have known your partner for a year. Your relationship should in no way compare with the love you should have your son. I would die for my son-literally iwould lay down my life for him. don't think i would do that for a bloke i had known a year.
   
   
4. Your boyfriend swore at your son and you didn't step in. By doing this you demonstrated to your child that he is not important.
   
   Your actions are cruel, neglectful and selfish. You are thinking only of yourself.
   
   Get a grip. Stop seeing the boyfriend every night. make sure your son knows he is the most important thing in your life. Start acting like an adult instead of a child.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi all,

Thanks for your reports about this thread. We did indeed delete a thread by the same OP earlier this morning, but mostly because if we'd have removed all of the posts calling 'troll', there'd have been very little left of it.

We don't have any solid reason to think the OP isn't genuine though so we're going to let this thread run so he can hopefully receive some advice.

Many thanks.

[Passmethecrisps]

Flipping heck - why not just be up front!

What about a grandparent? Aunty or uncle? You need another adult to act as an advocate for you to talk to your mum.

You need to try to explain to her what you actually need from her - she should know this but it seems from your posts that she is diverted at the moment.

What was she like before the boyfriend came on the scene? Does she have other friends?

[CindyGrey123]

you are a pathetic excuse of a mother. how do you expect your son to respect you if you treat him so badly.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Is there a problem with your father? Why don't you want to live with him?

If this is true, then you might be better off with him.

[NickiFury]

You've endlessly chosen your boyfriend over your son from the beginning, you must see this. Your ds hasn't got attitude. You're being a really bad parent. Stop it!

[NickiFury]

Sorry cross post.

[Tania1234]

I didn't know if it was allowed to not be a 'mum' on 'mumsnet'. All of the family on my mums side are on her side - or at least they pretend to be. I used to be quite close - and still sort of am - with my grandma but she takes sides with my mum. My dads side are completely with me and think its awful what she doing to me.

We were always very close when my parents were together. It was always me and her - my dad even said 'she used to worship the ground I walked on' - we were inseparable.

I repeatidly ask for nights just us, sometimes she will spend the night with me but this is very very rare - perhaps once ever 3 or 4 months. Mostlty, she will agree to spend the night together and then at around 8 just go to her room and talk to her boyfriend.

I feel sad and lonely all the time and when I confront her, which I do frequently, she seems to think I have attitiude and just walks out the house.

[gymboywalton]

how is your relationship with your dad?

[Passmethecrisps]

Ok.

Try to find an adult who can advocate for you. If there was violence in your mum and dad's relationship you might be able to get some support from a local charity who could help your put your feelings into words.

What would make you happier? Bearing in mind that your mum does have a right to her own life but she needs to balance it better, what does she need to do?

In some way you need to tell her that you love her and want her to be happy but you still need her to be there for you. Ask her for some quality time at least two or three times a week. Ask that you sit down with boyfriend to talk about this and set rules about appropriate ways of communicating - no swearing for example.

If you can't have that conversation try writing it down for her in a letter. If you can get adult support share the letter with this person as well.

What does your dad say? I know you don't want to live with him but do you have contact with him at all?

[Tania1234]

I really can't live with my dad. I've never liked him and I feel that my mum can change. Even if she can't I would still rather live with her and have no relationship with her whatsoever. This is because my dad has a few mental health issues which have caused him to get extremely frustrated and be both physically and verbally abusive. I get on much better with my dad now that I see him less regularly and I would like it to stay that way.

I just want my mum to stop treating me like I'm second best.

She told me that I was to apologise to her boyfriend because he swore at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe this. I haven't spoken to him in 4 months. He's a 50 year old man! And he won't even be the adult in this situation and accept what he's done and apologise to me!!!

[Passmethecrisps]

Sorry - cross posted.

Could you stay with a relative on your dad's side for a few days? I presume you are on school holidays - is it worse without school to go to?

[Tania1234]

I personally feel that we need counselling. Do you think that would be a good idea?

[Tania1234]

My mum chose to go on holiday with her boyfriend and I had to stay at my dads for 10 days. I would go as far to say that these were the worst 10 days of my life. I hardly slept and I was under constant stress. I cannot live with him. I just can't. There's nobody on my dads side that would have the capability of looking after me.