I haven't been here for a long time - almost two years, probably. I'm just passing through, but I thought I'd post a message that might give some hope to those of you currently struggling with a really difficult teen...
Between about 2010 and 2013, I had unbelievable problems with my DS, who was about 14-17. Just about every major problem you can think of, short of death, getting someone pregnant or going to jail... Truancy, under-achievement, school exclusion, smoking, drug abuse, going AWOL, stealing from me, criminal behaviour (or as near as dammit), arrests, arrests following me phoning 999, abusive behaviour towards me... I tried everything and nothing much seemed to work... I started lots of threads and made hundreds of posts over those years, and got some great support and advice (and very few judgmental fools)... I learned lots and hope I gave some good advice too...
My 'headlines' were things that remain excellent bits of advice, albeit perhaps unfashionable: detach emotionally - it's not personal; some of them seem to need to behave appallingly, in order to grow up and away; look after YOURSELF, especially when things are tough; if you've got a 'challenging' teen, you can't control them - your only hope is to help them learn to control themselves ; you can keep your influence even when you lose your control; and this shit WILL pass.
I left MN because I had some serious health issues, and these are ongoing... But I can see that fewer people are posting about really difficult teens these days. I very much doubt that this is because teens have suddenly become less challenging, so I guess that it's because there is a sort of 'rolling stone gathering moss' effect: there were a few of us back then posting about serious problems, so we broke the taboo, and gave each other the confidence to share our experiences. Personally, that was incredibly important for me... I'm thinking of you (if you're still around) Maryz, Cory, MuchBrighter, Brightspark and many more. Thank you all. :)
Two years on, DS1 is now 20, and still not the Perfect Boy. 
BUT...
He stopped being aggressive and is still living at home.
He stopped being a total arse and getting involved in criminal/near-criminal activity.
He stopped taking M-CAT and the other drugs that were making him crazy (though he does still smoke cannabis, and it does IMO contribute to some depression).
He stopped hanging around with the people who were still being total arses.
He got enough GCSEs to get into college, got a Merit in his level 3 qualification, and got himself a university place (though he has now decided not to go - and I think that's the right choice for him, at least for now).
He got himself a job, where he has now been working for 2 years. He does it well and copes with getting up at 5am some mornings and not getting home til 11:30pm some nights. He has never been late. He is well-regarded.
He knows this job is not his future, but he doesn't yet know what he wants to do with his life... But he is engaged rather than disengaged, and I now feel sure he'll find his way, just later rather than sooner.
Also, DS2 (now 15) - who has watched and learned a lot from his big brother over the years - hasn't used that learning to become an arse himself... Instead, he is a pleasant, bright, articulate, challenging-but-polite, mostly co-operative, A/A*pupil, with lots of friends and interests... I often think 'Thank Goodness', because I don't know if I could have coped with doing all the difficult stuff again... But also, it proves to me what people with just one difficult teen sometimes never know: it's not you, it's them. That guilt can be terribly disempowering, sometimes.
So, for those of you who are currently struggling... THERE IS HOPE!
Best wishes to you all. :)
Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.
Teenagers
A bit of HOPE for those really struggling with their teen (and hello from flow4 to any old-timers still around!)
flow4 · 02/08/2015 11:15
Ooo, there are lots of familiar names still here! Hello everyone, good to see you all :) AnyFucker - you're still here and you haven't name-changed! Whoop!
It's kind of you to say I helped, Occams and hadaguts :) I'm glad. I got a lot of support here, so it's good to know I was useful too. I was making a lot of it up as I went along, but I learned a loads as I went, including a bit of wisdom, I think. sillygiraffe, you get through mostly by default - if things get really bad, you can really only survive or go under, and thankfully I survived. :) Most kids don't cause anything like as much trouble as my DS1, and I'm still clinging on to the possibly deluded hope that the same energy and determination that made him a bloody nightmare when he was 15-17 will one day make him a great success!
Thanks for your good wishes everyone. My health stuff doesn't look like it's going to go away - it's nasty and long-standing - but it's not life-threatening :) And once I get it under control, I'm hoping it will get at least a bit better... See you around, maybe!
I remember your threads too Flow..I have a 17 yo DS who has always been difficult (nowhere near what you've had to endure though) and he's now thoroughly obnoxious. I feel I'll never have a relationship with him because he has no respect for me..so..this thread has given me hope:)
Thank you for sharing your good news.
I sincerely hope your health issues get better 
I think I remember you although you won't remember me as I regularly name change. I can feel the relief and joy in your post and that's because I have a similar tale. The drugs, drink, going AWOL, getting kicked out of more than one school, dropping out of college, serious self harm involving hospital visits, several suicide attempts, arrest and section to place of safety (X2) and lots more that I have successfully blocked out...
Now working and has been for over six months, has a nice enough boyfriend, is quite good company (!) and if she's rude she apologises 
. Drug use is now minimal and doesn't include psychedelics to my knowledge, I think I would know as I have learned all the warning signs.
She's 18 btw. She was 13 when the shit started hitting the fan and just turned 18 when things took a sudden turn for the better, so five years of hell.
Go us, we survived!
I have noticed that there are fewer awful teen threads, I wonder if it's because there are quite a few people around now who like to blame the parents, who don't understand that you can provide a perfectly decent loving home and still have one that goes off the rails, who don't understand that it hasn't happened to them because of luck not circumstance and had nothing to do with their amazing parenting skillz.
Anyway, congrats on coming out of the other side 
Hello Flow4 - lovely to hear from you - especially with good news. Think I was wrathomumma when you were here regularly. possibly chocoluvva (what a rubbish name!)
You were kind enough to post helpful replies on my threads (about fairly trivial subjects usually) I remember you well.
(Happily, I'm no longer wrathful - older, wiser and so saturated with worry about my stubborn older teen that there's no room left for any new worries . Seriously though, I unexpectedly discovered Buddhism!)
Sorry to hear that your health issues are ongoing.
Good luck to all the parents of troubled or stubborn teenagers who need a light touch, when your instinct is to tuck them safely up in bed at 10.30 and lock 'em in. (having confiscated all contraband and put their 'electronic devices safely on the mantelpiece of course)
Hi Flow. I am so sorry to hear about your health issues. It's so lovely to hear about the positive progress your Ds has made in his life. I'm sure your love and support made all the difference.
You and Maryz gave me such good advice and support in the darker days when I was really struggling with my DS1.
At 17 he decided to leave behind his life and dodgy friends, took himself to another country where he's lived independently since . He's completed 2 years at college whilst working to support himself, and is now working full time. He has completely stopped all drugs and alcohol. I can't begin to describe how proud I am of him.
It was a delicate balance between realising I had to let go so he could have complete autonomy, whilst at the same time never giving up on him. The amazing support I had on MN really helped me through the darker days
DS 2 is now sometimes pretty challenging , but not nearly to the same extremes and I have more faith in the knowlege that teens can walk the tight rope and make it through to the other side.
For me things really are muchbrighter now. 
Hi Flow
I'm a newbie about 6 months
Your post resonates with me I had dd on MCat at 17, nightmare! Stole money, but worked at the same time
she carried on working. Got off MCat after 4 months. She's very apologetic now.
Regrets it etc.
Dd is now in her twenties and expecting her first baby, it does pass. She's like a different person. Very responsible.
Hi Flow!
So good to hear that your ds is doing well. I hope the reduction in stress gives you more of a chance to focus on your own well-being for a time. I agree that this place has been sanity saving for some of us. I have gone through the worst time in my life over the past few years. I still feel tearful looking back on how crap things have been - full of regrets and sadness for what we have all gone through as a family.
I also feel like one of the 'old timers' here.
Things have also moved on with my dd. She sat her exams! No violence for months! She is applying for apprenticeships! She no longer says she hates me! although she did hate me two weeks ago We have cuddles!
Hoping for a small break before ds1 (11) and ds2 (10) launch themselves into adolescence. Feel scared at what's to come: ds1 has a tendency to miserable strops and sulking. DS2 has ASD and has rages which are getting worse - he's big and strong and breaks stuff and swears when he's angry. 
This time around at least we know more about the journey - hopefully it'll help.
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Another one here who remembers you, Flow, though can't believe it's been 2 years?! Glad to hear it's all panning out so well for you and your DS. Just wanted to say thank you for your posts - your advice was always spot on and non-patronising and so helpful and balanced. You helped me many times (under other names or just lurking) and so many others. Sure loads of good karma's coming your way... :) -hope you feel better soon, healthwise. 
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