Having a hard time dealing with the unrelenting selfishness of dd16

[sillygiraffe]

Just feeling sorry for myself and need a rant. I just dont know what to say except she is so self obsessed, lazy and unfeeling towards her family it is quite upsetting. She is also quite rude and disrespectful towards us. She barked at DH tonight and he has had enough now.

Its my fault she is lazy as I just did everything for my kids and never really asked them to help out much at home - I regret that now. But as for the rest of it, we did not bring her up to be like this and ds was brought up in exactly the same way and he is totally different - maybe also bit lazy but very caring, unselfish and lovely.

She cant see anything wrong in the way she is either and we cant seem to have a conversation about it as I am seen to be just "having a go" at her all the time. When will it ever end? Its wearing me down.

So, end of rant and moving forward to another day of treading on eggshells in our house.

[Hudson123]

Wow, this could have been written by me. I would only add that the "you're always having a go" be joined by "you're so negative" and "you're just trying to start an argument". These are the responses I get when I ask her what is wrong or if she would please do a little job for me like a bit of washing up.

I also have a younger daughter who I have a great relationship with. This is obviously another bone of contention as I get "you treat her so differently". I try to explain that this is a two-way thing but it falls on deaf ears.

I know the gorgeous, sensitive girl I once had is still in there somewhere and I can only hope that with maturity she re-emerges soon - she is a year older than your daughter.

I'm afraid I'm not in a position to offer you any reassurance but the main thing for me is to not take all of the insults and bad attitude personally (much easier said than done!)


Good luck to you, it's really tough and I feel your pain.

[Gymbob]

yep, could have been written by me too. mine is only nice when she wants something. never mind, only another 3 years to go until she starts to become human again.

sorry to say, they all seem to be the same. Selfish, rude, no empathy, lazy, lazy, fucking downright lazy as fuck. dirty, self obsessed, vain, tight with her money, argumentative, mean, evil sometimes, hard nosed, no respect, oh and did I mention lazy?

you have my sympathy

[Gymbob]

I meant mine is all of those things, not anyone else's

[sillygiraffe]

Thank you all. It makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one going through this. I also get accused of trying to start an argument if I try and talk about things and ask what's wrong. I've got that book already but I'm sick of being the one that's doing all the compromising while she merrily carries on in her own selfish world. I just hope she grows up and becomes a bit more reasonable.

[poppym12]

i could also have written this about my son. i hoped that once his gcse's were over, he'd at least attempt to look for some work and stop dossing about and being an entitled, selfish arse.

it hasn't happened yet.

[sillygiraffe]

How do you handle it all though. I have a list of things I am not happy with but know it would be the wrong thing to do try and talk to her about it as it would make things worse. Do you just sit tight and hope things get better on their own? I don't know what to do for the best.

[nicoleshitzinger]

"Selfish, rude, no empathy, lazy, lazy, fucking downright lazy as fuck. dirty, self obsessed, vain, tight with her money, argumentative, mean, evil sometimes, hard nosed, no respect, oh and did I mention lazy?"


Oh please can we add 'hypocritical' to that list.

DD shouted at me for being selfish and lazy the other day. It was 11.30pm and I had gone to bed and was asleep. Apparently I should have got out of bed, got dressed and volunteered to drive her 17 year old cousin the one mile home. Her 17 year old cousin who works, has a higher disposable income than me, and can easily afford the cab fare. But no. It was my job to get out of bed, get dressed, and drive her home.

She also regularly comments that the house is 'filthy' and 'disgusting' and that I 'do nothing'. This is from a child who will drop her crisp packet on the floor where she stands, (or lies - she has been known to sleep in a pile of sweet and crisp wrappers), and who has spent nearly every waking daylight hour at home lying horizontal on her bed or on the sofa with a remote control in her hand FOR FOUR YEARS. I'm not exaggerating.

[nicoleshitzinger]

I have learned: you can't change them.

The cultural norm here is that extreme vanity, laziness and rudeness in young adults is acceptable and part of normal development.

Like psychotic behaviour in toddlers, weepy craziness in menopausal women, and eccentricity and egocentric behaviour in the elderly.

It's a phase dontcha know.

One thing - it has totally reconciled me to letting go of dd as she moves into adulthood.

[BertieBotts]

It's not just a cultural norm that this is a developmental stage, it's actually backed up by scientific studies. Teenagers can't help being selfish because their worldview is very limited, their world really does consist of their OWN immediate future and not much else. It's the same thing which makes them less able to contemplate long term consequences and focus on the now (further ahead than, say, a three year old, but nowhere near as far ahead as an adult.) Teenagers will smoke and drink and party because it feels good right now and their bodies recover quickly, we don't do it when we're older because we understand that it will make us feel worse in the long run.

You basically have two management strategies - you can externalise the voice that controls the "think of other people too" kind of part and try to enforce that for them, which will be successful only for the bits you have control over, which isn't much, but it might help life be more harmonious (!) Or you can ignore and compromise and repeat that it's a phase and she will mature, because we all do.

I do think it's important to let her know what effect her behaviour is having on others. But don't expect her to be able to take it in and be a changed person - part of it is impulse control is very low at her age too which is not only risky actions but also emotional responses. She's not likely to be able to measure those responses into an acceptable range, it's just going to blurt out.

[BertieBotts]

(And for that emotional stuff, try not to take it personally - but do let her know that it is hurtful to you for her to say or do things on the whim of an emotion.)

[Gymbob]

Nicole Yes, hypocritical, mine is that too! Yours sounds a delight at the moment, but we know that they will be normal well balanced adults in the future don't we. That's if mine is still alive by then .

Bertie It really is helpful for little reminders to tell us that they can't help it. I do know that really, but when you're in the here and now with them 24/7, it's easy to forget. Particularly when she keeps telling me how mature she is (she's 15, and just cannot understand why I won't allow her and her bezzie to go to Greece on holiday together. Not that the travel company would let them anyway).

[specialsubject]

is it too much to ask to remove some of the entitlement? She gets food, shelter, necessary clothing (not a weekly trip to Primark for the slave-labour stuff), love and boundaries. All else is a privilege. bye-bye i-brick, for one...

she's no different from the teenagers we were, and I'm sure while we had our moments we weren't this horrific.

can you not come clean and say 'I made a mistake, I haven't shown you how to pull your weight in the house so now we're all going to learn'.

those that want respect, give it.

best of British..

[BertieBotts]

:) I remember being 15 and with my cousins, 15, 13, 12. We had been to town and bought a dinghy and got marched unceremoniously to take it back as we weren't allowed out on it alone. We all felt this grossly unfair and my youngest cousin kept saying "We've got two just-about-sixteen year olds with us!"

NOW I get it but at the time I also thought the adults were being totally, ridiculously unfair and untrusting.

[Number42]

I do love MN because it makes me feel better to realise I'm not alone!

"Selfish, rude, no empathy, lazy, lazy, fucking downright lazy as fuck. dirty, self obsessed, vain, tight with her money, argumentative, mean, evil sometimes, hard nosed, no respect, oh and did I mention lazy?"
Ha ha love it so true.

(From my experience it makes no difference whether you used to get them to help you to do the housework before the demon teens struck - they still develop an absolute inability to move their lazy arses once they get to teens.)

[nicoleshitzinger]

"Nicole Yes, hypocritical, mine is that too! Yours sounds a delight at the moment, but we know that they will be normal well balanced adults in the future don't we"

Yes - because eventually everyone becomes an unselfish, hardworking, well balanced adult.

Not.

[Gymbob]

[furrylittlecreatures]

It may be developmental but some of us def have it worst than others. I have 4 dcs and one is most certainly worst than the others. She is every negative word written by everyone else. Why is that? Raised the same, treated the same? I don't know. I just hide away in my bedroom!

[redannie118]

Yep , my 16 year old DS is all these things and think the only thing missing off the list is noisy, I mean seriously-what is it with teenagers and volume levels????? DS is always shouting at the PLaystation or Facetiming at 11 oclock at night when ive got to go to work in the morning, and any mention of "keeping the noise down " is just met with total and utter disdain!!
I think we should round all the horrible little buggers up and force them to work in a Salvation Army Hostel, let them see how hard life can be ! !!!

[Gymbob]

ah yes, I forgot about the noise. she is twice as bad when she has a friend round. she squeals like nothing I've ever heard

[targaryen]

When my dd was 12 I used to think I would be so sad when she moved out and wanted her to go to Uni near us.
She's now 16 and I'm more than happy for her to go to any Uni she wants....just so long as she goes

[Number42]

I'm sure it's evolutionary to make us want them to leave the family group. It would be heartbreaking to have ds (10) leave home now. Confident I'm going to feel v different in 5 years' time!

[Tumbledryer]

Just want to join in. All of the above and more. This year has been shit from the start with one thing or another. And how I got through the GCSe's I just dont know! DD cannot wait to leave home when she's 18 and the way things are at the moment it cant come soon enough. Dont know how she thinks she will be able to fund it I dont know because it will be a miracle if she holds down a job with her attitude.

[poppym12]

after 16 years, DS has decided that i can't cook and everything i make is vile. there's never anything in the house he fancies apparently so can't cook for himself . charming. i'm no nigella but i haven't poisoned him. yet .

he would rather stay out as late as possible and say he's eaten whilst out. probably some greasy chicken crap (if anything).

i worry about this a lot as he's a 6'4 beanpole so skipping meals or eating just rubbish is not good.