AIBU to want my teenage DSs to go to bed before I do?

(49 Posts)
Liberated71 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:36:00

My 13 and 14 year old DSs never seem tired in the evening like I am. I'm fit to drop by 10pm but I don't want to go to bed before they do. (I'd not sleep anyway). At the mo the compromise is they are in bed reading even if not sleeping. (Screens go off at least 1/2 hour before lights out)
Am I too controlling? Part of my reluctance is not trusting them I guess.
I'm a single mum- I have a partner who stays over a few nights a week, which adds another "issue" to bedtime!!! My privacy!!! confused
School nights are easier to manage/justify but during the school holidays it's different and they e both told me they don't fall asleep til after 11.
What do others do?

wannabestressfree Thu 16-Jul-15 21:46:11

Tbh this is a fight I gave up. Kids bar little on go to bed after me. I do lock up etc first though.

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jul-15 21:48:22

I have one teen who loves bed and goes before me

the other stays up after both mum and dad as he is a robot who needs no sleep

I am a chronic insomniac though, so when I am roaming at 3am and 4am I am usually on my own

Sparklingbrook Thu 16-Jul-15 21:48:39

I agree with wanna, I go to bed when I am tired, and just say goodnight to DSs 16 and 13.

Orangeanddemons Thu 16-Jul-15 21:54:09

I used to go when I was tired too. By the time he was 18, my ds was almost fully nocturnal

WillIEverBeASizeTen Thu 16-Jul-15 22:32:15

I had raging battles with my DS (now nearly 18) when he was 15+.. He's never liked the 'bed' word and it just got increasingly worse as he got older. I stopped arguing and just left him to it. I've no idea what time he goes to bed now, but it's late, very late.

I'm also an insomniac [AF] that's why I know he goes to bed very latehmm

ssd Thu 16-Jul-15 22:54:43

I've had battles about bedtime since mine were born, not once in 17 years have any of mine said "I'm tired mum, I think I'll go to bed"...I actually gasp when I hear others say this, I also never set an alarm for Primary school for 7 years either......

so now its the school holidays I lock up and go to bed and God knows when they do, as they sleep in way longer than me

but when school goes back the fights will resume....

Gymbob Thu 16-Jul-15 22:55:32

mine go to sleep after me, but the kitchen 'closes' at 10pm, and the dishwasher goes on. I insist they are in their rooms after that. I couldn't settle if they were downstairs. I don't trust one of them.

Liberated71 Thu 16-Jul-15 23:04:10

Thanks all. Gymbob, I particularly like the idea of closing the kitchen!

Goodbetterbest Thu 16-Jul-15 23:35:25

I recently introduced anew regime for my 12/13 yo DSs, similar to yours. Screens off at 9.30, bed by 10. As soon as I give them instruction to go to bed, they instantly go into the kitchen and open the fridge. I'm on my knees by 10 and practically beg them to go.

Then they still want me to go and kiss them goodnight, no matter how awful they have been to me during the day they call me 'mummy' and tell me they love me. I don't want that to end!

sillygiraffe Fri 17-Jul-15 09:15:38

Mine are a bit older than yours, 16 and 18, but I've given up trying to make them go to bed at a reasonable time, never mind before me. Since finishing school mid June they have been positively nocturnal. They are usually in their rooms - with the odd trip down to the kitchen to forage for food - but I know that they are up until 2 and sometimes 3am. Then asleep until after lunchtime. Damn technology! But I have not got the strength to fight about it any more.

SecretSquirrels Fri 17-Jul-15 09:41:28

Yes YABU.
This is not only an unwinnable battle but it becomes increasingly unfair to impose bedtimes on teenagers. It seems to be part of their development that they have this long phase of a shift in body clock.
I haven't stayed up later than my teens for years, (I'm also a 10pm person). I found when they got to 13 that the arguments about bedtime were souring our relationship and I agreed to allow them to regulate their own bedtime. Both DS's were very appreciative of this and settled into a pattern of 1030/11ish on school nights and stupid o'clock at weekends and holidays.

Drew64 Fri 17-Jul-15 09:44:10

It's a battle you wont' win, even if you manage to start to win invariably you will end up loosing.

Loving the idea of closing the kitchen though!

We were only saying the other night that we said it would become easier as our DS's become more independent, They just wander around the house playing music and eating at the oddest times now! Not good for 'Mum and Dad Time'

JustDanceAddict Fri 17-Jul-15 10:07:24

I am often in bed before my 13 year old DD. DH is up late though, but even if I was on my own I would do it. It's usually only a matter of 20-30 mins though. DD regulates her own bedtime pretty much, although I do prefer her to be in bed by 10pm on a school night as she has to be up by 6.45. She always lies in on the weekend. It doesn't make for good 'couple' time either, although we do tell her to go to her room after 9pm if we are watching something unsuitable for her.

JustDanceAddict Fri 17-Jul-15 10:08:55

Goodbetterbest so true re the kitchen. As soon as the dishwasher goes on, they appear 'hungry'. It's like a pavlovian reflex.

starfish4 Fri 17-Jul-15 10:27:28

I guess I don't want to let go, but I still like the thought of popping into my DD just before lights go off and to say goodnight and make sure she seems happy.

Having said that, she's 13 and it's a real battle to get her into bed before 10.15/10.30 (I used to like getting into bed around 10pm and reading for 15/20 mins) but now I find myself getting annoyed as she wants to read herself - sometimes she's reading until 11pm. She hasn't got into sleeping in like some teenagers and never seems tired, so I can't even argue she should be in bed earlier for one of these reasons.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 17-Jul-15 10:30:02

I gave up on this one too when mine were about 14!

aginghippy Fri 17-Jul-15 10:42:59

For me, bedtime was one of those 'pick your battles' things. It was such a relief not to have to argue about it any more.

We do have a rule that the internet goes off at 9 on school nights. That applies to me too, of course.

bigTillyMint Fri 17-Jul-15 12:49:23

DS(14) gets encouraged into his room at 10pm, woken at 7.30am on school days. I know he doesn't often go to sleep then, but at least he is in his bed. He is fine with less sleep - doesn't get too grouchy usually - and catches up when by going to sleep at 10 when he needs to.

DD(almost 16) is allowed to stay up a bit later on schoolnights, but knows we want her in bed by 11. She went through a patch of really not being able to sleep and it seemed pointless forcing her to lay in bed worrying. She still often finds it hard to get to sleep, but often catnaps after school/lays in late on a Sunday. She gets really grouchy with not enough sleep, but you can't force them asleep if they don't drop off.

FWIW, they were brilliant sleepers from birth (never woke in the night) and we never had any arguments about bedtimes throughout pre-teen years, so I guess it's time they were more tricky at night!

Liberated71 Fri 17-Jul-15 13:34:52

I think I'm going to have to be brave. The summer holidays will be a good time to try out a new regime where early mornings aren't so much of an issue. But I will def be "closing the kitchen". Fingers crossed!

SecretSquirrels Fri 17-Jul-15 14:35:57

What's this "closing the kitchen"?
Is it not their home as well? Why on earth can they not be allowed a snack or drink late at night?
Honestly there are way more important things to have Rules about confused.

bebumba Fri 17-Jul-15 15:03:28

Ds 16 goes to bed when he likes now but is quite good and does go when he is tired, so he has a mix of early and late nights.
This works fairly well on the whole. A slight blip at 3am this morning when I heard the hoover going. I went through to see what was going on and he was cleaning up some crisps he had dropped. When I (not so) politely asked what he was doing his reply was 'Mother, I can't get anything right! If I had left them you would have moaned about them being trodden in!'
We are now in agreement that he goes to bed when he wants but he does not hoover when I am in bed asleep.

Goodbetterbest Fri 17-Jul-15 16:58:37

Closing the kitchen means it can be cleaned and tidied, te weekly shop has half a chance of lasting the week, it can't be used as a delaying tactic and I don't encourage constant grazing!!!! If they need to eat they can do it before 10pm. That's after post school snacks, a proper dinner, and supper! They have a cooked breakfast before they go (porridge or bacon & eggs).
I feel no guilt discouraging their eating post-10pm!!

Whathaveilost Fri 17-Jul-15 18:37:05

Jesus Christ, closing a kitchen in your own home!!
It sounds more like a Youth Hostel.

Why wouldn't someone who lived in that house be banned from getting themselves a drink or snack.

My mum did similar shit and I left home as soon as I could. I soon felt unwelcome in her house with all her shit rules that she still has 35 years later!

So what if they stay up late. Once the boys got to teens I didn't impose a bed time and after a while they learned to self regulate. Now DS2 (nearly 16) sometimes stays up to nearly 11 on school nights but more often than not will just say he is going to bed around 10/10.30pm

PurpleHairAndPearls Fri 17-Jul-15 18:47:35

I go to bed before my DCs, bar the youngest one.

They come and tuck me in nowadays smile

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