not sure what to do anymore

[littlemissangrypants]

My eldest son has been really hard work recently. A lot of it is my fault as I left his abusive dad 5 ish years ago and then met someone new and moved in with him 2 years ago. I also have a heart condition so for a long time in his childhood I was very ill.
So the issues we have had in the last year with him have been contact with police due to him following someone home (he didnt but it caused a lot of angst). Periods of not eating anything. Taking a lot of pain killers but refusing to go to doctor to find out why he was always in pain. Staying out for longer than we had agreed. Waiting for us to go to sleep so he could sneak out overnight with friends (they camped in woods).
We have had the police around because he had a female friend at ours overnight (the friend was reported missing by police as she was only 14).
His room is a tip. He takes over the living room and throws rusbbish on floor. He has destroyed shoes and other things.
Last night it all kicked off as we had asked him for 2 days to clear the living room so we could sit in it. He refused and I lost my temper. I shouted at him and he shouted back. My partner (who is sweet and never shouts) got involved and pointed out that the way my son was behaving was out of order.
Today my son did not come home until 8pm. We were worried sick. He kicked off again and shouted at my partner at huge volume trying to intimidate him.
I told him I had enough and I was done.
He has now climbed out the living room window and is not wearing shoes. I have no idea how to deal with him and how to beging to sort this out. I can't cope with him. He is not happy and frankly no one in house is happy. If this carries on he will get hurt and I will end up in hospital.
Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated

[Stressedmum2211]

Not sure I am able to offer any advice as I am struggling with trying to understand my daughters behaviour at the moment too.. Just wanted to say that I do understand how worried and frustrated you must be.. How old is your son? Can school/ college offer any help? X

[2catsfighting]

It sounds really hard. How old is your DS? Some of his behaviour sounds unusual. Is there a 'thing' about shoes?

[littlemissangrypants]

Son is 15. We called police last night as we could not find him. He finally got back at 11pm.
The shoe issue is stupid. We bought him new shoes a month ago as he had destroyed another pair of shoes. The new shoes within less then a month have become un wearable. It frustrates me so much that he doesnt seem to care about keeping things nice. I guess a lot of that comes from my own very abusive and neglectful and i looked after every little thing I ever had.
My son has been spoilt a lot as I wanted to give him the childhood I never had but the way he wastes his things just makes me so angry.
We talked last night after he returned and he had his say. He feels like we treat him like a child and dont see him as an adult. I'm not sure how to treat him differently. He does need nagging to eat and to do his homework and about not sneaking out at night. His room is a tip but I guess all teenagers rooms get like that.
I am going to see if I can find some books to help. I just need to do something before this gets worse. Thanks for letting me get this out.