16 year old DS still not home

(23 Posts)
GertyD Sat 06-Jun-15 23:53:10

I have posted about this previously, actually started a thread 2 months ago in aibu about it in an attempt, I guess now, to be showing to be strong.

Anyway, the back ground is that 2 months ago my 16 year old DS (still in year 11) decided not to come home one day, and moved in with his GF (same age) at her mother's. He was gone 5 days before I tracked him down. His reason for going was thar he found us all irritating. He does have Aspergers Syndrome, and I got some great advice on here about that is likely to be the main issue.

We always had, what I thought to be a great relationship. We have the same sense of odd humour, we spent quality time together regularly doing stuff we both enjoyed, we talked - a lot, so this was all such a shock.

Anyway, he still isn't back. The GF's mum has now claimed his child benefit, so I reckon a CSA claim isn't far off either. He isn't talking to me at all, and his friends have been in touch to say he has stopped talking to them too.

I am not allowed to visit him at her house as she called the police last time, and they advised I stay away as she (GF's mother) has a history of making false allegations. His phone is broken and his Facebook is accessed constantly by the GF.

The school was involved and set up a meeting between us, but now his exams are over, so is their assistance.

His best friends (all 3 of whom also suffer Aspergers Syndrome) have been in touch to say they are worried as he stopped going out a month ago and hasn't spoken to them in 2 weeks. They say he was always happy with his home life and never had any reason to want to leave.

I know I am rambling. I just want him home. I miss him constantly. I am holding it together most of the time but today I just couldn't do it anymore. I feel so powerless and in the dark.

I could go round and beg and plead but I have done that already, I could yell and scream or be calm and rational and patient, I have done it all and nothing helps.

How do I get through this? How do I get our relationship back? How do I get answers? Everyone says just wait it out but it's been 2 months already. He has flunked every single GCSE - he barely wrote his name on some papers. He has given up everything for this girl and none of it makes sense.

Anyone got any great stories about how their DS did the same, but came through it to become a well adjusted adult?

Travelledtheworld Sun 07-Jun-15 00:24:27

Sorry can't advise. No experirnce of this at all but it sounds terrible for you. Have a virtual hug till someone else comes along.

Mustard969 Sun 07-Jun-15 00:39:09

Is it worth writing a letter saying you miss him and will always be there for him? Can he set up a regular evening to eat together at yours each week. Just so you can both catch up.

Pancakeflipper Sun 07-Jun-15 00:52:59

Keep a time line /diary on this. It's not likely to end over night so a 're Ord of events will help everyone even if it just to remind yourself of things.

Sounds horrid, I hope things work out for you both soon Gert.

Minifingers9 Sun 07-Jun-15 08:33:20

Would social services be able to help?

To me this sounds like a safeguarding issue - your son is vulnerable and this family sounds like bad news. What responsible parent refuses to communicate with the parents of another child they have living in their home? Very worrying :-(

TheFirstOfHerName Sun 07-Jun-15 08:38:29

This sounds really stressful for you. I worry about all of my children, especially the two who are now teenagers, but Asperger's adds a whole level of extra worry for DS2. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but keeping a log of everything sounds wise.

Finola1step Sun 07-Jun-15 08:45:27

I remember your previous thread. I don't like the sound of how this has gone. I think it is time you had a chat with social services if you haven't done so already. Has he kept the same GP? If so, make an appointment to see them yourselves and tell them.what is going on.

I doubt SS or GP can do much at the moment but it is time to alert people and organisations to what is going on. Your ds is probably quite vulnerable and I've got alarm bells ringing over the gf's mother and the money aspect.

HoggleHoggle Sun 07-Jun-15 08:47:04

I remember your original thread and I am so, so sorry that this is still going on. You must be beside yourself.

I agree re pp suggestion about writing a letter, if you haven't already? In it, can you suggest you do something you'll know he'll like - cinema trip, football, museum etc - and then if he accepts that, try and make it a weekly thing? It seems to me that if you can try and restablish a relationship however small, you can work it up from there. Try and keep it as unpressured as possible so you don't play into the 'irritating' label he (and gf no doubt) are putting on you.

I'm sure this will all come to an end eventually as the family sound horrendous. But I know that helps you not at all in the short term.

Sending you flowers

GertyD Sun 07-Jun-15 20:05:18

Thanks for the responses. Yesterday was a hard day, it all just got to me.

The schools' safeguarding lead has looked at the situation and say there is nothing to be done, that he is not at risk so social services will not intervene, although they are obliged to carry out an assessment after 20 weeks apparently, so three more months to go.

I could write to him, I was emailing him regularly at one point, but I was so angry after the mother claimed the child benefit - not the money that bothers me, the fact it is actually happening, and then he turned up 55 minutes late for a meeting, and said he couldn't stop as he had to attend a family meal with them. So right at this moment I am so angry at his shitty attitude towards us, that I cannot bring myself to be all lovely and reassuring to him for a bit.

ajandjjmum Sun 07-Jun-15 20:14:41

Gerty - my heart goes out to you.

DD (early 20s) has had a bf who is an absolutely arsehole, supported by his DM into becoming a self-centred, manipulative, inconsiderate excuse for a human being. For 18 months she kept going back to him.

So often I've cried, shouted, said things I shouldn't have, but after yet another drama, DD finally seems to have seen the light, and I'm hoping I get my daughter back.

Could you send him the odd note/card/bag of sweets, just saying that you love him and still miss him, although you don't like how he's behaving? I don't know whether that would keep the door ajar, or how his Aspergers would affect this.

Keep going - I really hope things improve with him before long.

KillmeNow Sun 07-Jun-15 20:22:54

A letter would be better but it might not get to him at the GFs address .Would social services help with correspondence ? Have they been any immediate help at all? 3 more months is a long time to wait . Can you ask again for help?

Im confused as to how the gfs Mother has claimed child benefit. Dont you have to agree to this ?

Mintyy Sun 07-Jun-15 20:30:44

"I am not allowed to visit him at her house as she called the police last time, and they advised I stay away as she (GF's mother) has a history of making false allegations."

Well that sounds all wrong for a start! Come on, this is ridiculous. How on earth can this woman call the shots like this?

What is the full back story here?

EE123 Sun 07-Jun-15 20:34:33

I think you need legal advice.
Your son is failing at school, do you know how much he is actually attending?
He has a disability.
I would start by contacting family rights group
www.frg.org.uk.

sherbetlemonD Sun 07-Jun-15 22:10:53

His GFs mother sounds like trouble- could she make up lies about you if you sent the police around? He isn't an adult until he's 16- whether she likes it or not; your still his parent and responsible for him.

I really don't know much about Aspergers so maybe I shouldn't even offer any advice- but could he be being manipulated by them?

But please don't think him flunking his GCSEs now is the end of the world. I'm 23, only have 3 GCSEs to my name but i've found a career I will love- sure i'll never be a millionaire but it will keep me on the right path and even 12 months ago I never thought it would happen.

I'd keep fighting.

GertyD Sun 07-Jun-15 22:30:25

The police, the school and the safeguarding lead are happy he is not at risk of 'harm' and at 16 can make these decisions. They do not agree that it is right but they cannot force him back. They have all spoken to him and state there is nothing further to be done.

The back story is when I tracked him down - getting the address via the electoral roll, I went to the house and she "allowed" me to talk to him on the doorstep. I held it together for around 20 minutes. I was calm and reasonable, a bit tearful at times, but eventually lost my temper at him and raised my voice, she then tried to shut the door on me and told me he lived there now, so I really lost my temper at that point and refused to leave, so she called the police, who came after about an hour and whilst they were lovely and sympathetic, I was on her property at the end of the day, so I was escorted away.

She can legally claim the child benefit after he has lived there 56 days, whether I oppose it or not. Once she gets that, she can claim child maintenance.

GertyD Sun 07-Jun-15 22:32:57

His attendance at school dropped considerably right after he left, the school called the GF's mother and told her she would be held accountable, but nothing came of it.

sherbetlemonD Sun 07-Jun-15 22:39:50

That's a fucking outrage Gerty. I have patio if you want to bury her underneath it. I even have a bonfire and some vodka so we can burn the shovel if you like.

SlightlyJaded Sun 07-Jun-15 22:45:52

Gerty. Do you think the mother has preyed on some vulnerability and instigated this in order to claim CB and eventually maintenance?

Could she be feeding your DS lies in order to drive a wedge between you? It certainly doesn't sound like she has his best interests at heart. Even if someone told me they were unhappy at home and wanted to stay with me, I would do everything in my power to encourage a dialogue between them and their parents.

She seems very keen to keep him there.

GertyD Sun 07-Jun-15 22:47:00

Thanks Shergrin
I may just take you up on that!
I asked her why she wanted some 16 year old boy living there, sharing her 16 year old daughters' bed, shagging her every day and night, abd she just shrugged. I asked her had she even considered her daughter could get pregnant, and she said "If it happens, it happens"shock
I do wonder what is being said and done to keep him there, and it frightens the shit out of me.

GertyD Sun 07-Jun-15 22:51:44

I worry that she can claim child benefit, child maintenance - 300 a month it would be according to CSA site calculator, disability benefits and tax credits and this is her motivator. He could be a goldmine.
DH and I earn too much to get tax credits etc, and we have never claimed DLA/PIP or anything either. DS wanted to put in his own claim after his mate was awarded it, and we were going to sort this but then he left.

TendonQueen Sun 07-Jun-15 22:57:46

I don't know what to say but didn't want to say nothing. It sounds horrendous. I can't believe than nothing can be done about this for an under 18. The best course I can think of is to take legal advice as others have said. Could you contest any claim for child maintenance, if that happens? Then perhaps she would lose interest in having him there. It does sound like money is behind it. Also, perhaps once school is over, the sense of rebelling against it all will get less appealing. GCSEs can be sat again, don't worry about that.

SlightlyJaded Sun 07-Jun-15 22:59:50

I obviously don't know her but my gut instinct is that she is encouraging this for her own financial gain. Which if true, is the most despicable thing I've come across in a long time.

I would enlist his friends to help you at least engineer a sit down chat with your DS away fro his girlfriend and her mother.

GertyD Sun 07-Jun-15 23:02:12

I will contest any claim. DH is going up the wall on that particular issue.

I will get some legal advice, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this though.

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