Hi everyone. I'm new and I need some advice. I'm feeling a bit helpless and don't know what to do.
My 17 y/o daughter has had an on/off relationship with an 18 y/o boy from sixth-form college for the past 4 months. It has never been serious because he doesn't want a serious relationship but she fell in love with him. There has been lots of kissing but no sex, until last weekend when they were out partying in a group and ended up back at a friend's flat. My daughter told him she didn't want to have intercourse because she is a virgin and wants her first time to be with someone she loves and who loves her. Anyway they ended up in a bedroom and things went too far, he penetrated her and she told him to stop. He stopped. She got very upset, saying that he did that without her consent. She called me crying and asked me to pick her up. I did and she told me that he had raped her. She wanted to come home and I said we needed to go to the police. She said she didn't want to go to the police and after she explained exactly what had happened I agreed and we went home.
She has been anxious and withdrawn all week. She has found out that her so called friend who is also friends with this boy has been saying nasty things about her and threatening to beat her up for accusing this boy of rape.
She is devastated, I am devastated seeing her like this. i feel so helpless, is there anything I can/should do other than be there for her?
Thanks x
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Was it rape?
olisue · 06/06/2015 07:58
Hi OP just wanted to say I feel for you as I have a horrible situation with my dd and Bf currently so I know just how distraught you are feeling. Agree with all that has been said about rape crisis etc and I would also talk to the college, do they have a counsellor at the college? Or somewhere she can escape to feel safe if she feels bad whilst at college? It's a horrible situation for you both and my heart goes out to you 
How awful. Please contact the college too, they will be able to support you and your daughter and will have contacts they use to offer specialist support. Your daughter is not to blame for what happened but does need to be extremely clear about exactly the sequence of events, what was said and when etc should it ever go to court. If you haven't already and she is up to it try and get her to write everything down word for word and keep that somewhere safe. So often in trauma such as this we forget key points or panic and get muddled with the stress and upset. Having a written statement fresh from memory helps keep things clear. It would probably also be advisable to avoid any correspondence with the so-called friends and her bf until you have further support and advice. Wishing you both all the best whatever she decides to do.
Op, I know exactly how you feel.
My dd's boyfriend did this when they were together, she didn't tell me until they split up. She told him what he did was wrong and the next thing she knows is everyone at school says she has made up being raped.
She had a hideous few months at school and they were pretty shocking at dealing with it, choosing to remove dd from class instead of the bullies.
She decided in the end not to report him, due to what she would have to go through and because, quite frankly, the little fucking shit would have got off.
All I could do was bang on to the school and point out their shitness and report the online abuse to the police. All of the people doing it were spoken to.
I never thought I would not want my dd to report something like that, but you don't know until you're in it. She had had enough, I couldn't have seen her have to go through that too.
It makes me feel sick that he got away with it though.
I got my dd some counselling through CAMHS but would have gone to rape crisis if we didn't have that option.
DD is so much better now, all of this happened about 7 months ago. If you want to PM me please do. Good luck to you and your dd
100% rape. That boy has raped your daughter. Rape doesn't have to be a brutal attack. I'm so sorry that his has happened to your poor daughter
Aside from the legal stuff, I'd get her to a GP. Support her emotional and mental wellbeing in the coming months. Make sure this doesn't destroy her.
Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your stories. My daughter has spent some time with friends this weekend and their support has made her feel stronger. We are going to the college next week to tell them what has happened, and she is now considering telling the police. But she will make that decision after we've been to rape crisis. I still can't believe this has happened. She already has a history of depression and anxiety so this could set her back.
Thanks again xx
That's really good that she has the support of some friends. That was something my dd was lacking.
My dd did get very depressed after it all but there was no self harming when there had been before. CAMHS weren't all that great tbh.
Good luck to you both
OP - watch this video. It describes CONSENT very clearly. It sounds like your daughter did not give consent.
for you and your DD.
No advice for you OP- just 
for you and lots of 
for DD. All the best.
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