Teens and Drugs

[Cornrig]

An interesting article in today's Guardian family about a 14-year-old drug refusenik who fell out with his mates when he wouldn't smoke dope.

The funny thing is that beyond the fear and the often alarmist coverage, some teens, many in fact, simply aren't in such a major hurry to get wasted. The article kind of gets that message across.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/30/my-son-said-no-to-drugs

[Alvah]

Thanks for sharing the article. I am seriously struggling with this issue at the moment. I am and always have been a drug refuser - however I did try a few times when I felt pressured by the group/my boyfriend. We were 17 though, not 13/14! I maybe enjoyed the effect once or twice, but mostly not. I never even considered trying anything but cannabis. I hated drugs and eventually gave my boyfriend an ultimatum; if you experiment with harder drugs I'm out. I ended up leaving anyway because all they did was talk about weed.

However I have just had my fears confirmed that my DS 14 and some of his 'friends' are experimenting with/using it. Although I have suspected it, it was a hard blow to have it confirmed. I feel sick to my stomach when I see him with the 'smokers'.

I have ended up taking the 'open and honest' approach with him, due to his explosive and very defiant/oppositional temperament (long story), in order to keep him as safe as possible. I want him to know that he can come to me/ask for help/support if things go wrong. However I have also made it very clear that it is illegal and could have serious consequences for his mental/emotional health as well as risking his future schooling and career.

To be honest these last few months have been such a complete nightmare - to read an article saying that 13/14 year olds do do this (not just mine) is a small comfort at a very stressful time

[Takver]

I read that article and thought it was kind of weird - like the author expected his ds to want to try drugs at that age

I've got a 13 y/o dd, and if she told me her friends were experimenting with cannabis, and she didn't want to, I'd be strongly encouraging her to maybe look at widening her social groups and finding some other dc to hang out with (not dropping her friends, but just making sure she had other options too).

I'd also try and figure out some way of speaking to said friends' parents to make sure they were aware of what was going on. I don't think I'm being wildly unrealistic - I move in very hippy circles where a lot of dope gets smoked, but I've also seen the downsides in a big way.

Massive sympathy, Alvah, it sounds like you're doing a really good job in a very stressful situation.

[Claybury]

Alvah- I understand your post. DH and I have never smoked anything and to discover DS at 14 was smoking weed regularly was very distressing. He is nearly 18 and I am sad today he has been a 'recreational ' smoker for about 3/4 years. I can honestly say I never expected this from a child of mine so young.
I will also say I believe there is nothing DH and I could do to stop him. At the time of the discovery I did contact the parents of the friends he was smoking with ( because they were only 14) and the response I got was largely unhelpful - more to the point my son has never forgiven me and it pretty much permanently wrecked our relationship. He no longer talks to me about anything for fear I will contact 'other parents ' (although at 17 years, I would never do this ). I still feel at 14 it is the responsible parenting approach to tell other parents what is going on despite the fall out.
We also set him up with the school drug counsellor ( he was willing ), set tight curfews, limited pocket money. Nothing helped. We rarely leave him alone at home because he will invite mates around to smoke and we do not wish to facilitate this.
I am starting to see a bit of a change in DS, a lack of motivation and some strange attitudes which may be attributable to the weed. DH and I have agreed he will not be living with us for much longer if he doesn't not start treating us with more respect as we have other DC's and do not wish to support someone who has made a conscious lifestyle choice to be a cannabis smoker.
Fwiw he also dabbled with a few other drugs ( MDMA, ketamine ) at raves and festivals but I think the experience is something he doesn't plan to repeat. He does however feel weed is harmless. Which it isn't.

[Claybury]

The article is pretty poor. Plenty of 13 year olds don't smoke weed and I don't understand why the author was so reluctant to support his sensible son's choice. What idiotic parenting.
But there is a problem round my way with overly liberal parents who are relaxed about teens smoking weed, it smokes me furious because my son thinks I'm just uptight. If you have a lively motivated sporty teen who has the odd puff maybe you can be like that, but what about the teen casualties of weed who do little else in their spare time ?

[Alvah]

Thanks Claybury for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear that it has been difficult with your DS too. I hope things improve for you soon. It is difficult when they make choices which we can see are harmful and they can't.

I am quite new to the attitude of 'open communication' with my DS about this, and not freaking out/dishing out consequences. I only found the empty bags of grass a few days ago and I suppose I am still digesting it (not the weed, but the realisation) However he clearly is relieved to be able to talk about it - we even found ourselves discussing prices, where it comes from and what kinds of weed they smoke as if we were discussing any random thing. It is still a bit surreal, but it feels right at the moment to keep my cool, I feel I have to in order to keep him safe. We also talked about legal highs and other drugs. His attitude is very much against any chemical or stronger drugs, however it is one step closer still... If I went to the police/school/ other parents he would shut me out too, and as I am the only parent/adult relative (around here) he has, I feel it is all down to me to manage him and keep him safe. Therefore I need him to talk to me.

Back in December when I first got a suspicion, I contacted the other parents, however nothing was finalised/we never found any thing out. He was grounded for two weeks and had drug tests for a few months. He told me he hadn't smoked in December and that he only started recently (in the last few weeks). He had a spell of experimenting with drink a month or so ago, it was a horrendous time and I found myself phoning the police reporting him missing and we ended up in A&E at 1am. He seems to have removed himself from that group of friends now and moved to the 'smokers' camp instead! I am not contacting the other parents as the 'smokers' are kids who I either don't know their parents and as far as I know have been doing it for a while. He is very sociable and knows a lot of people, it is hard to keep track, but I am concerned that he is mixing and mingling with so many new people at the moment. The Primary School cliques seem to be splitting and changing for them at the moment. Also there are a lot of Year 9's who have started drinking/smoking. I am crossing every part of me that this will be another 'short-ish' experimental phase and that he will calm down soon, as this is killing me.

He's usually out with friends whenever he can, but tonight he came home early and asked to watch a film together. He is now asleep on the couch next to me and I wonder how my little baby boy turned into this tall, 'grown up', risk taking, smarty pant teenager. I just hope to God he finds his way through these teenage years in one piece

I also believe that most 13/14 year olds don't smoke dope. I would love to have the 'problem' the author of the article had. I would be really proud of my DS/DD if they turned drugs down.

[Alvah]

Thank you Takver for moral support

[thehumanjam]

I've never taken any drugs (apart from tobacco and alcohol). According to previous threads on here I will be the least equipped parent to deal with teens and drugs because I have no experience.

Ds is 14, drugs aren't an issue as yet. He doesn't even know anyone who smokes. He does seem to have a very "young" peer group, they seem much younger than when I was that age.

We have discussed it and we've talked about the effects of weed on your mental health and how you don't really know what you are buying etc but what else can you do?

I disagree with the writer of the article. Taking drugs isn't a rite of passage for everyone. My friends haven't experimented. We may be in the minority. I was never offered drugs until my mid 20s and by then I was confident in myself to be able to say no without worrying about fitting in.

[ChillySundays]

My son has stopped seeing some friends as all they want to do is smoke dope. He is more interested in sport. I know this may change one day but then it may not. I didn't try it until my mid 20s and then only the once (I was a smoker though).

From what I can gather the majority of 13/14 aren't taking drugs but it does seem like a lot more than when I was younger.