DD making excuses

[Greenturtle]

Hi, looking for some advice on how to deal with a particular issue with my DD, age 14. Her father died when she was eight and now when she is rude (frequently), she says it is because she is missing her Dad. Again, when she doesn't feel like doing her homework or anything else she is supposed to be getting on with, the reason given is she is upset that her Dad has died. I know that she misses having a father a lot, as I miss my husband, but I sense that a lot/most of the time she is saying this to get herself out of trouble, as she knows I can't say it's not true. Any ideas?

[frinny]

Greenturtle
This sounds very difficult to deal with. As you say, you can't say it is not true.

I have never been in this situation but perhaps contact a charity that helps bereaved children to see if this is common in teenagers who have lost a parent or someone very close. They may be able to offer some advice. Saying the wrong thing at this point could lead to real problems as you are obviously aware.

Sorry, I can't think of anything else. Take care and try to stay calm.

[MarianneSolong]

I'd be very tempted to say that you miss him too. But it seems likely that if he was around, he wouldn't just be somebody to listen to her and give her love and affection. He'd also be wanting her to do her homework, help out in the house etc. In fact she'd probably get really angry with him sometimes.

I think one can be caring but 'real' about this.

[TeenAndTween]

Not the same, but similar, I think. We adopted DD1 when she was 8, she misses her birth mum sometimes, but generally had a pretty rubbish first 6 years before she went into care.

We acknowledge her feelings of loss and hurt and we empathise.
But we also say she needs to try hard to do well despite her early start, and that she shouldn't let her first few years mess up the rest of her life.


I would do something similar in your shoes. Acknowledge and empathise, but say Dad would want her to be polite and do homework. Give her space to talk at appropriate times, and maybe also suggest she talks to pastoral care at school. Don't let this tragic loss be used as an excuse to get out of stuff.

[Greenturtle]

Thanks for your replies and advice. My DD idolizes her father and in her eyes he was perfect and, if he was alive today, would never tell her off and would let her do anything she wants. I have mentioned that he really wouldn't be happy with the way she behaves but she doesn't believe me. I will try to empathise more - not always easy when she is telling me she wishes I had died rather than him.

[lljkk]

^ What Marianne wrote is brilliant.
Being emotional is what teens excel at, they all have good reasons.