I need help. I'm doing this all wrong. Where can I get help?

[mckenzie]

We have two DCs and DS, nearly 14, is our eldest. He was diagnosed about 4 years ago with dyspraxia and shortly afterwards with some Aspergers.

I don't 'get' him at all. I don't understand how he sees things, why he does certain things and I'm useless at just accepting he is that way and letting him get on with it.

An example, tonight he was preparing his food for tomorrow's catering lesson. He asks for my help, in fact he would happily let me do it all for him but I refuse. He decides to not use certain ingredients because he doesn't like them even though they are the basis of the dish.
Then he measures things really haphazardly and states that more of a certain ingredient won't hurt etc as though he's been cooking for years and is totally familiar with the recipe rather than this being the first time he's made it.
This is a regular occurrence and of course what then happens is the dish fails and it's been a waste of all the ingredients that I have bought and paid for.

Even as I type this, it sounds so basic and is probably happening in kitchens all over the UK with mums and teenagers but this is just one example of how we clash.

I totally appreciate that DS is DS. He is not me! I need help to accept him as he is, not get upset or angry when he doesn't do things the way I would do them.
Do I just need to help myself stop feeling like that or can I get help from someone, somewhere do you think? Maybe someone to help me see things as DS sees them. Or am I just being needy?

I hate being like this. DS is going to end up hating me too.

TIA

[rogueantimatter]

He sounds like my DS (also slight aspergers) - his default setting is to question everything and find a way of explaining how it's unjust. It's frustrating because he's his own worst enemy.

But now that he's a bit older than your DS he is gradually learning to do what's needed for the desired end result. Sometimes. Gradually. Sometimes....

TBH though IME most teens go through an extremely dippy and/or contrary stage. And the age old advice of smile and nod is good. Praise him whenever possible and avoid nagging as much as possible as it won't go in.

[rogueantimatter]

I try to find a balance between sympathising with the demands of school/the daily grind and briskly chivvying him along - only a week till half term - it'll be worth it. That sort of thing.

[mckenzie]

Thanks rogue. I think DS has an easy life. He does as little school work as possible to just scrape through, does as little as possible about the house, in fact he does nothing unless I nag and I HATE nagging.
DH lets it all go as I assume he remembers being a boy that age whereas my childhood was totally female and we all mucked in so to not even make your own bed is so alien to me.
I do try and praise him as much as possible but this is my problem. I find it hard, really hard. Not because I'm a miserable old hag but because there aren't that many things that I can praise him for

For example, He didn't make his bed this morning or open his curtains. He came down and put the TV on which he knows is not allowed on a school morning so I have to tell him to turn it off. He leaves his breakfast things on the table expecting the fairies to clear it. Then he gets his phone out and zones out until it's time to be nagged to clean his teeth ready for school.
So no opportunity for praise. and that's pretty much how it goes.

[rogueantimatter]

Hmm - I used to make more effort to train my DC into good habits. Yup it's stressful. Out of necessity I had to 'chill' four years ago when the DC were 14 and 12 and I spent a year getting treatment for cancer (fine now). But I also have mild chronic fatigue syndrome so I've got used to being quite lax about chasing my DS to clear up etc. You might get posters here saying the opposite to me - train them, withhold pocket money etc. I've found that if you can stand to desist nagging for a year or three they just kind of become tidy off their own accord when they get older - DD is now the tidiest person in this family. And the atmosphere improves dramatically.

But I know what you mean - I always did the washing up with my mum after dinner and generally helped out a lot more than my DC/most DC.

My DS (slight aspie) has a thing about damp tea towels in the kitchen (we don't have hand towels in the kitchen, just tea-towels) - he can't abide the feeling. So whenever he dries his hands in the kitchen about three or four times a day he grabs a pile of teatowels out of the drawer, makes the top one slightly damp then chucks them all on the worktop!! Do I tell him off? Not usually - he'll grow out of it. He suddenly started making his bed in the morning without being asked and packing his school bag in the evening.

The way I see it is that laziness and untidiness are flaws rather than moral 'defects' for want of a better word so I just let them go - mostly, on the whole, in general.....

Bad language on the other hand or being disrespectful to religions/snobbish/judgy - stuff like that; a no tolerance policy. That's just my philosophy.

I know how irritating it can be though.

[mckenzie]

Thanks rogue. I really appreciate your reply.
I am Going to make a huge, massive, biggest ever effort to change and chill and find something, anything, to be positive about with DS.
I need to for his sake as well as my own.

[rogueantimatter]

It is hard when they seem to be different from us. I sympathise. In some ways my DC have it so much easier than I/ you and I had - they've gone on fantastic school trips and are more widely travelled than DH and me. DD gets £45 for three hours teaching work - that and a grant has paid for her to go on a trip to the other side of the world in the summer whereas I spent my summers as a student working in a shop - it never crossed my mind to spend money in the summer holidays.

On the other hand there's more pressure and less financial security for our teenagers - not to mention all the crap they're constantly exposed to on social media sites etc

And yy to the repeated low-level stuff like turning on the tv - DS does a variant of this too.

Your DS is probably at his least likeable stage - teenage brain etc! He probably thinks you enjoy telling him off! Or doesn't hear it at all. He doesn't see the problem therefore there's no problem. Let's face it, most adults are boring and get off on telling young people what to do, in his opinion!

You probably don't notice his good points - is he kind, non-judgmental, forgiving, easy-going, thoughtful, cheers his friends up, supports his friends, loyal, good at keeping a confidence, polite (outside the home), sense of humour (outside the home), good at something, an un-fussy eater, patient, developing knowledge about stuff that you're not interested in, honest, trusting, optimistic, confident, trustworthy (with his peers), non-bitchy; he must have some of these qualities. You probably see him at his worst remember. The irritating stuff probably hides his good points.

Ask him his opinion on something and listen without comment. And praise him for anything - healthy eating/using up the last of the bread/good hair/not wanting to spend every Saturday trudging round clothes shops. Wish him a good day/tell him to have fun when he goes to friends etc so he sees that you care about him despite his irritating habits.

Good luck. I'm off to 'remind' DS that he has an exam tomorrow....

[mckenzie]

Thank you rogue. You've bought tears to my eyes as I can yes to so many of those good points about DS but of course I can't see the wood for the trees.
I am making a huge effort and today's brief interaction before he headed for the golf course was peaceful and polite.
I'm going to print out this thread and keep copies of it everywhere.
Thank you again rogue. I really really appreciate your support.

[frinny]

My eldest DD has Dyspraxia and it has been suggested some Aspies traits.

I know where you are coming from 100% and boy oh boy, can it be frustrating! The whole cooking/ measuring story is straight out of my own kitchen.

The problem with Dyspraxia is it is not nearly as quickly recognised, nor is there the same understanding by even SENCOs in schools. You can feel very alone sometimes.

The level of disorganisation and apparent lack of logic can be very hard to manage for families of those with Dyspraxia. Few people realise it can lead to very low self esteem and MH issues. The Dyspraxic child feels different from everyone else and does not know why. He/she also feels alone.
Have you armed yourself with as much knowledge as you can about it and obtained tips on how to help your son to organise himself. The Dyspraxia Foundation have loads of stuff that is helpful.

My DD was diagnosed very late and until that time I was frequently so exasperated with her that I would be going off the deep end just not realising that she was oblivious to the fact that most people would approach a task very differently. She is extremely forgetful, perceives many things such as size, speed, amount etc very differently from the norm, is very, very untidy, struggles to write for any length of time and can be extremely bad tempered out of frustration that 'nothing ever goes right'. Cotton wool and stiff socks cause complete meltdown. I could go on.

Also low muscle tone and tiring easily can make the Dyspraxic person seem lazy, clumsy or both.

I feel for you but I have found that the more I came to understand the condition the more I was able to stay calm and be supportive.

Funny little scenario:
She recently started a little job collecting glasses on a Saturday evening in our local pub. Eek! amazingly the glasses stay intact as she concentrates really hard to keep a hold on them but she completely fails to notice when it gets busy that she needs to work faster. Also she struggles to put clean glasses away because they are still fairly hot from the washer and she is very sensitive to heat or cold on her fingers. Luckily I am often around to step in and calm some people down when they become frustrated with her. She really can not help it and has begged me not to tell them, but as Mum, I have had a discreet word with the owner and he has been very supportive.

I wish you all the best. Our little darlings are made a bit differently but they can and will overcome.

[frinny]

Sorry I missed a bit of as sentence out up there. I meant to say 'not nearly as quickly recognised as Dyslexia' Whoops

[TeenAndTween]

My DD1 was diagnosed with dyspraxia a few months back aged 15, though I had suspected for some time.

DD1 often 'chose' not to follow instructions when doing craft, preferring to do it 'her way'. In reality, she couldn't follow them.

Maybe it is just really hard for your DS to do the weighing accurately, so he decides it 'doesn't matter'. Also dyspraxics often have more sensitivity to tastes and textures.

DD1 is also meant to make her bed but often forgets. At least one day a week she forgets to set her alarm for school.

She's doing exams at the moment. It is all she can do to get through the high pressure lessons and do a bit of revision at home. It is extremely exhausting for her, and using all of her brain power.

I really think that all these years I underestimated how much effort she was having to put in just to do day to day life.


Personally, I would completely lower your expectations, and only focus on 2 or 3 things you think are really important. Then only add things as he can manage them.

And I would weigh the ingredients myself.

(But rudeness is never acceptable).

[mckenzie]

Oh Frinny, you are talking about my DS! I'm so stupid as I am a member of the Dyspraxia Foundation but had not thought to go to them for help for DC and for me. I'm going to contact them.
DS so doesn't want to be different that I'm not sure he will accept any help or tips though, even just in the home. We don't talk about dyspraxia mainly because DH is in denial. DS was diagnosed when he was at an independent school so we had to pay for a private diagnosis but now he is a state school we are being put on the waiting list to see a member of the education team for a second assessment. DS will insist on it being done without any of his school mates knowing (that must be the way for most children so I'm sure the school handle that) but hopefully that will help all of us.
I love him so much, his my PFB, but sometimes I could strangle him

[frinny]

My DD did not want to be different but she and he know that deep down they are. Not massively, but enough to make them struggle with stuff that others find simple.
The assessment at my DDs state school was a Psychometric Test which seemed to cover Dyslexia more than Dyspraxia. Luckily a Child Psychiatrist from CAMHS wrote a strong letter to say that the Dyspraxia was causing MH issues and that tipped the balance when the results showed most things within normal parameters except for 'working memory' which was well below average. She was given 25% extra time in all examinations and coursework tests.
Now she is off to college, she has to do it again but she is happy to as the extra time really took the pressure off. She accepts her diagnosis now she is 17. If your sons test does not show anything below average and he doesn't get the extra time, you may need to think about another private assessment to get the back up needed to swing the decision. Expensive I know.
The extra time has helped but it has been the only support the educational institutions have offered. I have found the rest has been down to me. Sorry to tell you this. Maybe your school will be more clued up.
I frequently find people, even those who should, know very little about it. How often I have heard 'oh, its just what used to be called clumsy!" Grrrrr!!

[mckenzie]

Hi Frinny
DS was offered a scribe in his recent maths exam but because it meant he'd have to be in a separate room he refused because in his words, he didn't want to look like an idiot.
Unfortunately, he lost marks because although he got the answers correct, he didn't show the workings (he does it all in his head).
I've just ordered two books (1 via the Dyspraxia charity and 1 more about Aspergers)
DD and DH are away the week after next and so DS and I can have some uninterrupted time together and talk, I hope.

[Fattycow]

mckenzie, I totally get the problem with maths. I have Asperger's myself and when I was in secondary school, I always lost marks for not writing down the calculations. Thing is, I literally didn't do all those steps! Your son probably does the same, he doesn't understand that there are steps in between. If somebody asks him to explain, he won't be able to do it. It is like asking him to explain why 1 and 1 equals 2. It just is!

[rogueantimatter]

Same with DS! Doesn't always read the questions correctly either.

Very glad you have had some replies from parents of dc with dyspraxia btw.

Best wishes.

[KatharineClifton]

I don't have any real advice to offer, but I have two dyspraxic teens. I've found that adolescence has really exacerbated the dyspraxia. I do feel your pain! It's so frustrating that now they are so grown they should be sharing the load (I'm a LP) wrt household tasks, it's impossible and I'm still doing practically everything. And more as the mess is bigger as they are older. Most of the time I can muster up enough patience to prompt with the sequencing of tasks which is affected badly, but not always.

[mckenzie]

Thanks for the posts guys. I'm reminding myself that much as I think my life is hard dealing with DS, life isn't a walk in the park for him either.
Caged in chaos by Victoria Biggs has just arrived so off for a read

[rogueantimatter]

In some ways it's harder for us parents too. I'm sure life was simpler for most people in the olden days.

Hope your reading is useful.