16 yr old DD in despair :(

[LindieLA]

Hi,
I’d really appreciate some good advice as I’m at my wits end. My 16yr old DD has social anxiety, and she’s very shy. She wouldn’t hurt a fly. She’s always been a target for bullies, nothing major but I think things happened at school that she hid from me in the past. I know you’ll think I’m biased but she is very naturally pretty but she can’t see that at all because of her low self esteem. She left school last year with good enough grades apart from maths which she has a real problem with. So she went to art college, didn’t fit in, felt like an outsider so before Christmas I moved her to a sixth form school which seemed perfect for her and she began a course in print based media. I was relieved that she seemed happy, seemed like friendships were forming. A boy took a shining to her who had his own problems. He came to our house with her one evening and they seemed to get on ok but she just wanted to be friends and he wanted more. So he got heavy with her, said he wanted to kill himself because of her rejection which she freaked out about, became anxious etc. He became close to another girl in the class, they turned the friendship group against my daughter and now we’re at this stage of twitter bullying, he’s called her a bitch, and again she feels like an outcast. I’ve had contact with the school regarding this over and over again, she’s had mentoring etc. Her older sister has steamed in there ( as I’ve an elderly widowed father who’s been ill so I’ve been pre-occupied with him) and called the school to which action has been taken with ‘right-on’ discussion groups involving the culprits but nothing’s changed. My daughter is in a real state of anxiety now, lost weight, feels pressure with time scales for the work at school plus she has to deal with this bunch of idiots. What do I do? Does she change course again in September only for the same thing to happen again? What do I do about her Maths as it seems you can’t anywhere without a C grade and she just taken it again and got a G grade. My mind feels like mash potato ?

[lincolnshirelassy]

Oh dear :( I was going to suggest mentoring but you've already done that. If nothing has changed and the bullying is still going on I would be back at school again. 're work load panic, can you sit with her and work out a plan to manage her time, factoring de-stressing breaks (get her to download the Headspace app to her phone, great for ten minute calm down periods). Is extra tutoring a possibility for maths, I know there will be a cost but a C really is needed for nearly everything. Personally I wouldn't move her again unless she really really wants to, it's a tough lesson that sometimes we have to put up with arseholes in our lives but it will die down in time and she'll be more resilient for it, hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now I know. Sending hugs x

[Fushia12]

That sounds really really hard.Might it be possible to encourage her to develop friends outside school. Something that involves a shared interest e.g. sport, music, volunteering. Might also help with self esteem.
Maths - agree tutoring would be the easiest way to help. Tutor Hunt has tutors of all ages, some doing A level maths wouldn't charge much per hour and some do online or Skype for even less. Good luck!

[lljkk]

can't you completely block people on Twitter? I mean I know it's not a solution, but it'd be breathing space, maybe.

Are they horrid to her in person as well as on Twitter?

[mrspavarotti]

poor you, poor her.

Avoid changing courses yet again, unless she can take some kind of Gap Year? Do something totally different, volunteer, part-time job, martial arts (v good for self-esteem and concentration), yoga,....... would her elder sister be able to take her inter-railing in the summer or summat else? - totally outside her usual stuff. Think outside the box. Let her take some control back. (I know you'll probably think that with her social anxiety she'd be terrified - but ask her to think of something she might feel good about? Outside bloody school, something to look forward to...for the summer?)

If she does stay on the same course does she really, really need Maths? Can't she just drop it? Personally I don't believe in flogging away at a subject you cannot do. It's soul destroying. 5 good gcse's in other subjects can get her into art courses, and other stuff.

Oh yes, and drop Twitter and Facebook, plenty of teens do when they realise how much twattish behaviour there is on there.

[flowergirl456]

Poor girl, that's a rotten situation for her. Schools aren't always brilliant at dealing with bullying, they prefer to pretend its not happening.
On the bright side she is still only 16 so not much time lost, if she drops out this year there is time to pick it up again in the autumn. If you tell the school she's about to drop out because of bullying it might make them sit up, as it'll affect their stats. It depends really if she truly enjoys her course and thinks in her heart if it is worth pursuing. Its best if she can carry on, but its truly not the end of the world if she doesn't
I work for a College, and I know it is a generalisation to say but out of all courses I see I would say A Levels are the most accepting and tolerant bunch, and it sounds like that would be best for her socially, the quieter people are happier with A Levels - I'm assuming here she's currently doing a BTEC course. The Arty people are more into going out, socialising etc if you know what I mean.
She does need her maths unfortunately, but that's not unsurmountable - everyone can do maths. Its just people get to the stage where they have a sort of mental block about it, and think they can't do it. Its not always taught brilliantly either which doesn't help, those re-take classes are huge. And of course if you've failed once you think you'll fail again.
The best thing is - get her a tutor if you can afford it , if you can't practice with things like MyMaths on the Internet (the school will have a subscription). And the big thing - download every maths exam paper from the AQA or Edexcel website from the last 10 years. If she does those she can't fail. If possible sit down with her and do it together, if you're as bad as her, all the better, you'll learn together...
But good luck. Its horrible to seeing your daughter suffer.