DD - year 7 at big school and doesn't want to socialise ..

[MillieMummy]

History; DD aged 11 in yr 7. She was at a small primary and transferred last Sept to a big secondary. She went to secondary by herself (ie no other girls from primary) but that's standard for where we live and she was happy with that.

At primary she didn't have a close friend/circle of friends. She was never bullied and teacher confirmed that she always got on with everyone but she wasn't invited to parties beyond year 1 and not invited to friends houses for tea.

She has a good circle of friends outside of school - her old nursery friends who all live locally. She sees them at parties, other social events etc and they are in touch via email weekly but some of them she doesn't actually see from one month to the next.

She has had lots of party invites/invites to friends houses since she joined secondary but yesterday told us that she doesn't want to accept any more. She likes the friends at school but doesn't want to socialise out of school with them. I can understand that this is what she is used to because of primary - ie school is school but friends are from outside of school - but it makes me a bit sad that she is not intersted in the girls at secondary.

DP and I have discussed and agreed that we won't pressurise her into accepting any more social invitations from secondary; we also want her to talk to us about why she isn't interested in the new friendships but I am worried about this approach. Should we stand back or should we try and persuade her to be more sociable with the secondary girls?

[BabyGanoush]

I would stand back. Hard a sit is!

[feetheart]

I would stand back but let her know that she is always welcome to have school friends round when, and if, she wants to. Yr7 and 8 seem to be very fluid with regard to friendships.
My DD is also Yr7 and although she has both old friends from primary and new friends from secondary she still isn't keen on casually inviting anyone along after school. The one time I encouraged some in (they were all walking home together) they stood around looking awkward and DD said afterwards it felt 'weird'
I still leave out a stack of glasses, juice and the biscuit barrel for when DD comes home (I'm usually out picking up DS) and she knows she is welcome to bring friends home but at the moment she isn't keen.

[starfish4]

As a parent it's hard not to get involved. I'd just point out to her if she doesn't accept, then they will stop offering and then she may find they have more in common in the future as they've got experiences together. Would she prefer it if they came to yours more?

I think Year 7 is really hard as they're trying to find where they fit in. My DD felt she was having to prove herself all the time - she's in Year 9 now and with similar girls (who aren't obsessed with appearance, technology and boys - not that there's anything wrong with that).

Would she be interested in joining any lunchtime or after school clubs where she may meet different girls. My DD has her main circle of friends, but today is with someone totally different as they have a shared interest in music and have booked a room for lunchtime practice together.

[Yarp]

I have a 14 year old boy, and in year 7 and 8 he never socialised outside school, other than very occasionally having his best friend, who he known since they were babies, round.

I too worried about it, but then I realised that he does have friends, but he also found school a bit much, and as an introvert, needs time on his own to recharge after hectic days at a big school.

He has, this year, started to Skype chat with friends, and has joined Explorer scouts, which several school friends attend. He is really happy, and popular in class as far as I can tell. He just chooses to run his life this way.

The good news is that your Dd is getting invited. Just try not to worry.