cutting, my 13yo, help please

[TigerWhoCameForGin]

I've named changed.

Because I check her laptop (Facebook and Google searches) I saw references to cutting/self harm. She's said to her best friend and the bloody 16yo boy she met she's doing it, and searched for movies about.

We've had a chat, and a cuddle, and I've seen her arm is a mess. I'm gutted so please don't flame me. I've told her I'm sorry she feels so awful, I love her whatever, but we need to get some help. She says the last time was 8 days ago.

She says she 'won't tell me why' unless her best friend is present. She says I'll think she's pathetic.

Apparently her head of year (8) had known about this since last month, and nothing had happened. Surely this is a child protection issue? Wtf are they playing at?

I need to know stuff. I'm going to see this HOY tomorrow first thing, I want the child protection officer present, then GP appointment I guess. I'm in an area known for its shocking lack of child mental health services.

I really need some advice please. My poor baby. I feel like such a failure.

[Auntieveronica]

Stay calm. Arrange for a meet up with you, DD and friend so she can feel confident enough to tell you more. Carry on being supportive and caring. Ask her what she thinks she needs to move through this. Ask her how you can best support her. Suggest counselling or excersise (for endorphins) and keep the channels of discussion open between you. Is there something else she can do when she feels like cutting? Would a punch bag help? Get some self help books off amazon for both dd and yourself. Speak to the head of year after you have had some more discussions with DD/friend. Then see Gp

[TigerWhoCameForGin]

Thank you.

Best friend meeting is proving difficult. She's busy tomorrow, and DD has late classes the next day. Also I fear BF is parent evasive so will never happen.

I need to know why the HOY hasn't told me or put anything at all in place to help DD. I feel I need to move fast on this. I'm baffled why nothing has happened.

She says she won't talk to anyone, I've basically said tough, you really need to. Punchbag and self help book tips, thank you, good ideas x

[Alvah]

Do not feel like you have done anything wrong, you sound to me like you are doing all the right things. You are listening to her, showing her you are there for her and you are arranging for her to get access to the support she needs.

I would read up as much as possible on self harming to gain as much understanding of the issue as possible. Try to remain calm and be reassured that this has become very common amongst young people these days.

Get support for yourself as well as her.

Take care xx

[TigerWhoCameForGin]

Thank you Alvah
I do feel I've done something wrong, messed up horribly that my little girl would feel the need to do this. I feel absolutely sick.

I'll get reading today. I know it's common, but its so awful. I'm just venting here, of course I've not told her that.

[DoctorDonnaNoble]

You haven't done anything wrong. I used to cut. In fact, I did it sporadically from the ages of 15-32. I can't remember when I last did it now. It is no one's fault. Keep supporting your daughter, keep talking and keep hugging. You will get through this.

[Auntieveronica]

Does the school have a counsellor or pastoral staff that she can talk to

[modernfemininity]

You are a lovely mum.
Another view point to consider : you might have already done enough. You are showing super mother kind concern.

Maybe dc won't want school involved.

Is it possible that the self harm might be something she is not wedded to or depending on, she is just trying it out, experimenting?
She sounds ashamed she has done it for silly reasons she won't tell you, so maybe she is embarrassed and wants friend there because she has few answers for you. She might not want the spotlight on her.

Self harm is talked of in schools (rightly, as well as other risky behaviors) but i hear that now it is trending in schools around us. So is training to get six packs by exercising before school. And not eating wheat. And drinking green tea. And taking adult weight loss tablets.

I am not dismissive. How awful for you and her. Now she has dipped into this arena, give her a get out maybe? Your kind, compassionate words could use the past tense. Listen carefully: did she try it 'because she was sad' but didn't know what she was sad about perhaps? She might not be sad now.
((Hugs))

[TigerWhoCameForGin]

Thank you so much.

I had to go and talk to someone at school this morning, if only because her year head had known for a month, and done absolutely nothing. I saw her and she confirmed she knew, and she'd done nothing and told no one. I'm more angry about this than I can articulate. I had to ask her to leave the room, but the meeting continued with v kind knowledgeable and helpful child protection officer, who I have faith in. I'm still considering a formal complaint though, because in the world of child protection this is a massive mistake, and clearly something went very wrong here.

As far as my DD goes, she will have counselling at school, just to see if that will help and give her a chance to talk if she wants to. I really do think this person is excellent, so I'm pleased. She also gave me some ideas for home around making DD feel useful and a necessary part of the family, and giving her space to talk if she wants to, so I feel a little less at sea with it all.

What you've said about experimenting, well that's crossed my mind too, and its definitely something I'll bear in mind when I'm taking to her.

At the moment I want to bundle her up UN a duvet on the sofa and watch high school musical, like in the old days. Really, nothing prepares you for teenagers, does it?