Son off the rails - please help

[whishwhish]

I have a beautiful and talented son (don't we all). He has always been very bright and very athletic and has excelled at anything he has turned his hand to. Despite this, I feel like I have been holding him back from delinquency sine he was about 11. He was suspended from school on a number of occasions and I moved him from one secondary school to another in the hope of offering him a fresh start. He is now 18, very tall, just in college by his fingertips. He has been arrested many times, has several cautions and was referred to the youth offending team last year. He was arrested again on the day he was signed off from them, for fighting. He smokes weed, breaks almost every agreement we make on everything, and now has done something very bad that has compromised his own, and our safety. I have had to tell him to leave. My heart is breaking for him but I just don't know how to help him. I have tried everything over the years, and think all of this would have started much earlier if I hadn't fought so hard to help him. But I am exhausted, ashamed, scared, in despair. I feel the need so badly to communicate with someone else in this sort of situation.

[igotaway]

Hello Whish

I too have a beautiful and talented son, (yes, we all do!) he's 24 now, and I too feel exhaustion, ashamed, scared, even angry, that he has kicked back in the way he has. I have not told him to leave. Yet. You are not alone.

His drug of choice is as high level as you can get.

Your son is an adult, so is mine, its their choice.

When I joined here in 2012, I was given some advice from lots of ladies, MaryZ and another called flow. The mantra was 'detach, detach'
be there for when they fall, but let him go...

you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it, however hard you try

I can't give you any advice, I expect you have done the gp, psychiatric route?

Just hold on, do stuff for yourself, any other siblings?

let him go.

[Howdidthathappen1]

I've just joined to reply to you op as this was me 6 years ago. Asked ds to leave at 18 due to drugs and arrests. I felt so isolated and just couldn't see a way out. It's a bit of a conversation stopper with 'real' people and I felt judged.
Anyway. Ds is sort of out the other side. We didn't speak for nearly a year but I continued to text occasionally with just a 'hope your ok'. Gradually we have salvaged a relationship and he is an independent young man who now just has a few questionable habits! But not so much that he is putting his life or future on the line.
Hang in there. Keep letting him know you love him but can't live with his current choices. I still don't know if I would have done anything differently we just muddled through. Xxx

[smileyforest]

Really feel for you WW....Read 'Where did my beautiful son go' by another MN. Some of us have to go through this...why we're chosen...I do not know...we never stop loving our sons...but its their 'life' choice....have had some really bad times with my son who is nearly 19y, left home now to live with gf who is expecting baby...!!Both doing A levels..Just had to 'go with the flow'.....it was very hard...and yes...cried...but he seems OK, happy and 'growing up!

[serene12]

I also have a son, who was athletic and bright. He also made the wrong choices, by using drugs. Due to his awful behaviour, stealing from us, aggression etc., we made him leave at the age of 18. I knew I had to recover and started to go to Families Anonymous (a 12 step programme), for the families of addicts, I'm still going 3 years later! I realised I'd been enabling my son and that he had to feel the consequences of his poor choices, i.e. if he asked for money for food, then I would not give him any money, as he may spend it on drugs. My son ended up in a homeless project, for young people, where he received support and counselling...they gave me my son back.
He's now 21, has thanked us for using Tough Love, is independent, away at college and looking forward to university.
I hope my story gives hope, to those of you that are struggling with similar situations.

[smileyforest]

Thats great Serene :)))

[Allfurcoatandnoknickers]

That's a great story Serene and gives me hope! It's so hard to see someone you love make unwise choices, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel!

[whishwhish]

Thank you for the replies, particularly those of you who weren't already members. I joined yesterday in the hopes of finding some hope, and your stories have helped. I pray that my son's story can get better than it is now. He left yesterday and is sleeping on a friend's sofa. It is heart breaking to know that I have sent him away, but something had to change and he wouldn't, despite the numerous chances given to him for a long long time. His behaviour has caused argument after argument and problem after problem for the family, in my attempts to get him to do the right thing for himself. He has now risked the safety of our family (my daughter is 9) and I know I was left with no choice but it still feels so wrong to have made him go. Thank you for your kind responses, and I hope the outcome is positive for my son too and this is tough love.

[lonelyandtired]

Had to reply to these posts - the username says it all really - and I'm sure it's not just sons, but daughters too! I have an 18 year old son who is also smart and articulate, but the last 18 months or so have been dreadful.

I feel overwhelmingly sad, frustrated and angry and despite trying and trying to encourage him to make sensible and positive choices, he seems on the road to disaster. He had, and I suppose probably still has, so much potential and knew what he wanted to do with this life, but now he finds himself hanging on by his fingernails at sixth form as he persists in not working and attending his lessons, detached from his family and only seems to care about his many friends and when the next party is!

Over Easter we had another round of disrespectful behaviour, lying, laziness, making promises and not keeping them and just very, very hard work. This has all been complicated by the involvement of another family who, over this period, have constantly told him he is old enough to do what he likes (I know this because they told me when I asked them to step away and give our family some space to work out our issues), and told him to live and let live. One more than one occasion, whilst we've been trying to discuss the issues with our son, they are sat outside the house in their car to take him into their 'fold'. They're not a family I would choose as friends, but that's beside the point, they have consistently pushed their choice of parenting/lifestyle onto my son and I've been playing tug of war with them for over a year. Last week I told my son he had a choice. He either integrated into our family and spent some time with us and respected us in terms of loud music, took responsibility for his studies and basically got a grip or he would have to leave. The situation was tearing us all apart. He chose to leave and went - guess where - to stay with the other family.

I knew this would happen of course, but I feel so sad by it all, I am ashamed even though I know I couldn't have done any more and I am also embarrassed by his behaviour. Each day I'm struggling with what I had to do, I had no choice, but I have another son to think about and he's put up with an awful lot in the last year or so. I feel for the Mums on this forum as we often feel alone with all of this, but I am hoping, in time, my son will come through the other side and we will all be able to move on.

[Alvah]

Wishwish - I just want to say how much I feel for you. I do not have any useful advice, but I wanted to say that I hope things turn around for you and your family in time.

They have their own journey or path in life to live and we can influence to some extent but we cannot make their choices for them. You have done your very best, you have fought for him, you have loved him - you have done all a dedicated mother can do.

You need to look after yourself too. Do not be ashamed, be proud of yourself for surviving such a hugely challenging experience.

You have my respect.