DS has really gone too far tonight

[crocoonimper]

Hi, long time lurker here, not usually one to ask for advice but I am getting desperate after tonight. I had a call from the credit card centre to warn me about possible fraudulent transactions in the past week - turns out it was my 13 year old DS using my CC details to buy FIFA and minecraft credits online.... To the tune of nearly £60 .. This is the last straw for me. He has been stealing food/sweets/lying about things for a few years now, has very low self esteem, and very little interest in anything apart from his bloody minecraft... He isolates himself and has few friends. We have tried EVERYTHING to help him from banning everything to giving him complete responsibility and everything in between. We have intervened at school and he is being supported there. He is a twin and has always felt inferior to his brother despite our best efforts to dispel these concerns. I feel like reporting him to the police so that they can visit him and make him see the slippery slope he could be on but don't want him to have a record.. What's worse is his Dad is in the job. I am SO angry with myself - there must be something we are missing? Has anyone else got any experience of this type of behaviour? It's not a teenage/hormonal thing, right back from a toddler when he used to be frustrated and bang his head on the floor, through massive tantrums at 9/10 and a complete overreaction to small things, to now, it's always been challenging... The thing is, to the outside world he is a polite, hard working if quiet child, nothing tallys....

[VegasIsBest]

Difficult situation. But what does 'stealing food' mean? Is that just helping yourself to all the food in the house - because that's what every teenage boy does. I'm only asking about this part of your post because with teenagers you have to pick your battles. If everything is forbidden, including things like food, then it's hard for them to know what is absolutely forbidden, like using your card without permission. Good luck with this.

[VegasIsBest]

Also wondering if you can help him make more friends and raise his self esteem by joining a new activity. Sport is brilliant for this, if they find one that suits them.

[Heyho111]

Hi. You must feel like he's slipping away every time you support him.
You mentioned that you've intervened in school. Does that mean there are issues there too.
Has he been put forward for councelling or child psychology. It could be that he needs some outside support.
It could be more than sibling rivalary he may have something else going on. Such as very mild aspergers or something else.
Try to push for some help for him. For him and your family you need him supported.

[Nanny13]

Stealing food?

[crocoonimper]

Hi thankyou for your replies. We have literally tried everything to help him, for a few days/a week it gets better, then slips again. He shows very little remorse. He cannot explain why he takes things. It started with sugar - anything sweet is fair game even if it belongs to his brother or sister, to the extent that they hide their treats:0(. When he started year 7 the school operates a finger print pre paid system- we thought great, he can learn some responsibility here.... Nope. Beginning of this year both boys had a bank account opened for them with a debit card and access to pocket money, but we have had to remove that from him too. Every opportunity he has to prove that he understands and can have a fresh start has been abused. We have encouraged his interest in Minecraft, we have encouraged him to be involved in sport, the school say that his work is good and have no problems with his behaviour, and have listened to us and to him, he is having lessons to help his self esteem etc and has been happy to participate. However the stealing and lying go on - he collects things from school like glue sticks, scissors, dry wipe pens . And now this. He says he is not unhappy. He also says that we pick on him for everything. The thing is, he is not unlike myself as a child, in terms of confidence and self esteem - and I totally empathise.

[Fleurdelise]

In terms of the money spend to buy credits: my nephew was about 14 when he got a phone bill of over £200 if I remember right. My SIL and BIL made him pay it back over time including saving all his birthday money and hand it back to pay the debt. Never happened again.

Other than that I have no advice other than hang in there!

[Fleurdelise]

On a second thought: is there anything, any activity that he is/may be very good at? Maybe something that his twin will not be as good at? I don't know, rugby, martial arts, skateboarding, anything?

I read this theory that if you want to build your child confidence just find an activity he/she excels at and the confidence will start to reflect on all other areas of life.

But in your case I guess it is important this activity whatever may it be should not be taken up by his twin also.

[crocoonimper]

Thanks Fleur - we did go down that route too, he is a member of the local surf life saving club and loves the sea, he does a nippers season every year without his brother. He enjoys surfing too but his brother is better than him at that too (he is one of those kids who picks up any sport), so he got a bit demoralised by that last year! I am determined to crack this, when he smiles at us it lights up the room - but we don't get many of those at the moment. onwards and upwards. We have removed his phone and computer and grounded him for 2 weeks, and I have told him that, record or not, if he EVER does anything like this again I will go to the police. He has paid back the money today from his savings account also. Fingers crossed.

[BeeRayKay]

I've just seen your problem

but his brother is better than him at that too (he is one of those kids who picks up any sport)

If this is being communicated in anyway to him about anything thats the problem.

I didn't have a twin but had this growing up and it decimated any self esteem I had.

[BeaufortBelle]

It does rather sound that he is desperate for attention and his way of getting it is to elicit negative attention because he doesn't perhaps feel he gets positive attention. He is different from his brother. He needs to find his niche and you need to help him.

The stealing label is a real bother for me. Siblings take each other's sweets, unfortunately teenagers do use a parents credit card from time to time. Our boy did years ago for £25. It was £60 quid; it's wrong but it isn't that far off normal and neither is nicking your sibs sweets.

Do you think some family counselling might help and certainly some support for his self esteem? I think bank accounts with debit cards are a bit much for 13 year olds too to be honest.

He doesn't sound like a bad or horrid boy to me - or a thief.

[Heyho111]

I really think there is a deeper issue going on here. Please as for a referral to a child psychologist. he sounds like he needs professional intervention more than self esteem sessions etc.