16 yr old Dd hating me having friends round

[QOD]

This is NOT an aibu
so my Dd always moans when i or we (as in dh / couple type friends) have friends round.
moans that we are noisy inconsiderate have too many
i always tell it's her home but our house and that she cannot dictate to us (very very strong willed)
I have compromised, never have morning visitors ever at weekend, always tell her in advance
yesterday a friend from down the road popped in around 9 pm to deliver something from another friend. She'd Facebook ed me and said want me to drop off tonight or tomorrow, I'd said whatever conviennent and promptly forgot
anyway after she left, I remembered I have an old school friend coming round today at 11.3o so told Dd
'Sorry forgot it was holidays but X coming round. I've told her we lunching out at 1 so won't be for long'
Dd then tells me do I realise how it makes her feel in her own home with constant visitors, makes her feel suck with anxiety, uncomfortable in her home, freaked out about showering (upstairs, other side of house in en suite of locked room) and she wants it to stop

in a nutshell I basically said if it's tha bad u need to see Dr and you need help or counselling. I again said this is my home and dh home. We entertain as we see fit I am considerate. I will not change and that's the end of it.
for background, we have a large house with 3 reception rooms (not a stealth boast) she has the huge longe with sofa sky large tv basically to herself, dh has the study and I have the kitchen diner. Ut all evolved as I don't really watch TV and couldn't stand all the Disney shite, as she got older dh couldn't get gis adult shows ad she was still up. She uses the lounge like teenagers use their room
lastly i am laid up unable to drive post major shoulder surgery so visitors mostly come here to our hourly bus time tabled village.
i spose it is a sort of aibu without anyone allowed to be mean to me

My final thoughts are she goes to uni in yrs. If she dictates my life to me now, when she's gone I've nicely cut off my friends.
I do compromise as I say. When I'm not stranded it's way less

[paulapantsdown]

How old is this child? This is a ridiculous situation. You need to get a grip and stop letting a child dictate what you do in your own home. She doesn't like to take a shower if there are visitors?! Is this for real? Tell her to get up earlier and have a shower first thing then!

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Does she have any underlying anxiety issues or illnesses that can explain her attitude? If not I would say sorry kid, tough shit, end of discussion. Is she always so rude? Is this a teenager thing only we haven't got there yet.

Sorry to be blunt but if either of my two ever start behaving like this they will be reminded what a cosseted privileged life they lead and where the door is if they really can't stand it.

[NCIS]

To be honest I wouldn't have compromised at the beginning, it would be different if she had no where to escape to but she has. Have you asked her why she feels so freaked out by this? Or is it just fairly normal teenaged self centredness? If it isn't she does need to see the GP but I would still continue to have friends over.

[QOD]

Oh I don't bend Paula and she's 16
I just started to doubt myself.
I 100 % agree with you.

this is MY house . It us OUR home. I am the adult (and dh)
I do think she has mild A S traits because she's so rigid in opinion.
She's the child who'd say when I'm 3 I'll poo in the toilet
when I'm 15 I'll wear make up ...

i just wanted to know I'm NOT unreasonable

she says she doesn't need counselling, I say her reaction is NOT normal

it came to a head last night and dint worry.
I won't allow her to dictate but I will and do show consideration ... she doesn't consider it enough. I say tough shit

[BinaryBunny]

Tell her tough luck, If she doesn't like it, she's welcome to move out

She sounds like a brat :/

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Gosh this must be hard! I think you need to stop pandering to her. From today. If you want a friend round, do it. If someone pops over unexpectedly, invite them in for a brew.

Get firm.

Re-iterate to your DD that if she is suffering because of something like this, she needs to speak to a counsellor/gp.

What does she plan to do at uni in dorms/shared house?!

[MargotLovedTom]

Does she never go out or have friends over herself?

Sounds slightly Ab Fab . I agree with pp that I wouldn't have compromised so much in the first place. When she has her own place that she pays for then she can dictate visiting terms.

[fannyfanakapan]

firstly, Id be taking back the lounge with the sofa and the large TV. How have you allowed yourself to be relegated to the kitchen, even when you have guests, because she is taking over the lounge? Id even go so far as to start redecorating with some new soft furnishings, to ram home the point that its YOUR space.

Id be moving her back into her own bedroom. If she wants privacy, then thats where it happens, The living room is just that - the room for living in, not an extension of her space that then leeches into other areas of the house (ie, how dare you have friends over. She might want to shower while you are in the kitchen).

I would get tougher with her, because it seems like you HAVE been pandering to her. I dont ask my kids permission to have friends over. I dont even tell them unless I need to (ie, we have guests so mums taxi will not be available).

[bloodyteenagers]

The first time she moaned about it, I would have laughed and told her to stop being so bloody daft.

Now I would just mention in I passing x is coming later and leave it at that. The grumbles would be met with whatever, not changing it.

And no it's not normal teen behaviour. It needs getting to the bottom of to find out what makes her so uncomfortable.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

I dont know of Id be able to stop myself from saying "tough shit. Dont like it, theres the door".

[motherinferior]

The only reason I would think of which could justify her behaviour is that at some point, a visitor did something that made her feel uncomfortable - the bit about showering rings potential alarm bells (and no this is not blaming you, if that is the case!). Otherwise, she's just being a bully.

I would think about referring her, because either it'll call her bluff or it could help to get to the bottom of this.

[ivykaty44]

You don't allow yourself to be dictated to. Ignore this is an u reasonable teen phase.

My dd2 when I asked her to stay at her sisters said she couldn't due to not like stayi g away from home. I told her that was fine, she then asked about yet another sleep over at a mates....when I said no as I know she doesn't like staying away from home - the shit hit the fan as she had shot herself in the foot.

Op your dad is being g a silly teen please ignore it will pass

[ivykaty44]

Op not your dad your dd!

[TheBakeryQueen]

I don't think she sounds like a brat. I think she sounds like an introvert whereas you sound more extrovert.

Obviously she can't really expect you to not see friends but I do have a bit of sympathy for her as she sounds very anxious.

It is hard being 16. I would talk it through with her, empathise. Reassure her that no-one will intrude on her privacy.

I would suggest GPs too for some help with anxiety.

[paulapantsdown]

It is hard being 16, but if she is an introvert with anxiety issues (every teenager has anxiety issues!), then she needs to spend her time in her room then, not hogging the main lounge that she appears to have taken over and thinks of as her own private space.

As another poster said, I'd be getting new cushions etc for that room ad turfing her out of it pronto! A living room is a shared space for the whole family. Sounds like, with the best will in the world OP, you have let dd take over a bit.

[QOD]

Absolute introvert.
I'm an extrovert
dh introvert BUT he actually doesn't mind me having visitors at all, always chatty anf friendly, just doesn't mix at all.himself

[Muskey]

Really I think she needs to get a grip

[QOD]

Me too ... i was just checking that I'm not b u

[SocialMediaAddict]

Tell her to sit in her bedroom. She's not the boss.

My DD can be very controlling and it has to be nipped in the bud.

[SecretSquirrels]

Okay devils advocate.
Do you do anything nice together? Perhaps she can tell that you can't wait to see the back of her?
Why is she isolated in her own room whether it's a bedroom or living room? You may not have liked watching Disney stuff, neither did I, but it's something to do together. I'm not that fond of bowling, cinema, ice skating, go karting etc but I'll gladly do them all with teenage DC.

[Orangeanddemons]

I'm an introvert. I would hate hate hate loads of people in my house. It would make me feel unsettled, agitated and stressed.

I'm not saying your daughter is correct, but I kind of see where she is coming from

[QOD]

We do secret and always have. Today we went out to lunch together and she was lovely
Omg I so do not want her to move out! Not sure how I gave that impression.she has told ME she's planning on going to uni in London in 2 years. We have a high standard uni much much closer and easy daily commute to. She doesn't do sleepovers as wants everything at home.
the AS trait thing is only something I see .... never any teacher comments . She is doing the government n c s thing, the 5 days activity centre one week and 4 days in uni accommodation thing the next because she announced this is how she'll get herself used to sleeping away from us. Talk about into the deep end!
We genuinely do all sorts. Shopping, lunches and walks .... she doesn't see her friends all that often ... her choice

[bigbluebus]

I agree she doesn't get to call the shots, as long as you are being relatively considerate - which it sounds like you are.
My DS has ASD. He not only has to put up with our friends visiting (and I expect him to at least pop down and say 'hello' even if he doesn't join us) but we also have carers in to look after his disabled sister. This involves them going upstairs to DDs bedroom (which is opposite DSs) so they really are in the midst of his space. If they are coming in the morning, I pre warn him so he can get up and walk along the landing to the bathroom to have a shower before they arrive. If he goes out to the gym whilst they are in the house,he just has to take his clothes to the bathroom so he doesn't get caught half naked on the landing. He just has to deal with whatever is going on in the house - and sometimes we go out for 9 hrs leaving the carers in the house looking after his sister and him having to endure having 'strangers' in the house. So whether your DD has ASD traits or not, she needs to adapt to the lifestyle of the family she lives with, not dictate it.
I assume if she goes to Uni, she will be sharing accomodation with other students. Does she think she will be able to dictate who they have to visit and when - or will it be different as they are not her parents?

[QOD]

I just have no.idea. she's looked at the accommodation for her uni of choice & you can get en suite rooms
I did say well er good luck.poppet as dad and I will not be able to help you financially beyond a shopping top.up!

[chocoluvva]

16YOs love to go on about how unfair things are, what a hard time of it they have etc. I'd nod and smile without actually saying anything much or talking too much when she complains about your visitors IYSWIM. Things change very quickly at this age.