My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

out of control teen... still

18 replies

Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 08:46

Hi does anyone have any good advice. Have posted before and my situation is now worse. Dd not going to school, school putting pressure on me but she is currently living with my mum, who is backing the no school approach, being kept out the loop and have been up all night worrying as have solicitors meeting this morning to see how I stand legally. Any words of wisdom would be muchly appreciated

OP posts:
Report
Haggisfish · 01/04/2015 08:48

Why is she staying with your mum? Clearly she needs to be with someone else if your mum allows her to bunk school. If you're legally responsible for her, I don't understand why you are having a meeting with a solicitor?

Report
Haggisfish · 01/04/2015 08:49

Can you transfer legal guardianship to your mum so she is responsible? What about Dds dad?

Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 08:51

Could you look on my other post, if explains everything! Thank you!

OP posts:
Report
kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 01/04/2015 08:54

Does your mum appreciate the seriousness of absence? Does school have strategies to encourage non attenders to come in? I'm thinking things like learning outside the classroom. Why does DD not want to go? Sorry. I know its just more questions. Have you been to school to discuss options? Which is probably a yes but it helps us to know where you're at.

Report
kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 01/04/2015 08:55

Xpost. Dizzy can you link?

Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 09:00

how do I do that? Just had to jump on the laptop for better typing!

OP posts:
Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 09:05
OP posts:
Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 09:06

is that it? Sorry completely brain dead due to lack of sleep!

OP posts:
Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 09:24

Basically where I am now is that it was felt by a keyworker, not SS that DD was not "safe" here. After various home visits and visting the other two kids in school it was shown that my DD had not been truthful.

The house has been much calmer tbh, she is showing signs of depression which I have taken her to the docs for (for the 2nd time) she got in with CAHMS. I had already organised councling with another teen help agency, she has been going since Jan.

Anyway my mum rang and said she would not send her to school as she was in no fit state. I had DD stay over for a few nights and made her get up, get dressed and try and leave the house, had to take a week off. It seemed to work and I arranged a meeting with Headmaster, agreed to faze her back in, half days over a week. keyworker agreed. All was good. Big improvment on behaviour and communication. (sorry spelling, tired!).

Anyway I took another week off so I could drive her to school and back, she managed Mon morning, had a melt down and said everyone was picking on her, now she has had a fall out with friend but still pally with other members of the group. A girl even waited and walked in with her when I dropped her off, all looked friendly! Anyway Tues morning she refuses to go. My Mum rang in the middle of all the pleading and hugs and encouragment. The next thing I know a taxi pulls up care of my mum and shes off???

M refused to let me speak to her on phone, as she was in bed, 12pm in afternoon.. School were ringing to see why she was not in, explained situation school helpful and sent truentcy officer out to tell mum she would be liable for fine.

Had a tac meeting last thurs, I had to watch other DS in class assembly ( the other kids have been sidelined for so long whilst we have tried to get DD sorted) my partner went in my place, just sat and listened.

When I walked in DD was animated and telling headmaster that she was to sick for schhol but not sick enough for special school place on offer ( school for sick kids basically)

My first thought was why is she neing allowed to speak to him like that, in the room, me, mum, councilor, CAHMS, school nurse, keyworker.

I stood my ground and said that I was aware that DD had emotional problems but hiding from school was not helping, that I felt she was playing me and M off against each other and that when her friendship group is good she is happy to go to school, with a slight nag and pull of bedsheets.

DD in tears, school pull out a note, DD has said the exact thing to member of staff at school..

Councilor stating mentioning Bi polar, CAHMS said no chance, school nurse said that was out of order and meeting turned to chaos

DD is to "have a voice" I agree but her voice is basically lying and manipulating adults!

Anyway she is on holiday at mo, have meeting at school on first day back to organise another fazing in. However M is now going to solicitor about getting a taxi to school, she can go from mine and is talking about getting parental resposibiltiy. I feel I have no say, no control,

I would not have sent her to M's but keyworker made big fuss and threatened me with SS, was afraid I would loose my kids, however, I got a glowing report for family workier and hit all the points on the family star thing!!

Hence trip to solicitor.. grrrr

OP posts:
Report
ragged · 01/04/2015 09:25
Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 09:28

Thats the one! Thanks ragged

OP posts:
Report
Gymbob · 01/04/2015 09:47

I think your mum isn't helping and actually making matters worse.

I think your daughter would benefit by being taken into care. there are specialist foster carers who are experienced in dealing with kids just like your daughter. social services would be all over her like a rash.

your mum is your daughter's grandma, and clearly isn't experienced in dealing with this.

I've read all your previous thread you must be so exhausted Thanks

Report
ragged · 01/04/2015 09:48

Sorry about Xpost.
I kind of think you've done what you can Dizzy, she needs to find her own way & it's reasonable to only support her in her reasonable behaviours. Not the first teen I've heard of (with loving parent(s)) who came up with packs of manipulative lies, and it didn't make them bad people but you still deserve distance to keep your own sanity.

I know it's hard to let go.

Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 10:05

I can't do that to her, my M out me in care, I just felt abandoned, but my childhood was very different my M was never there, always out..

I almost feel like my mum has been encouraging my DD with letting her smoke and drink wine on holiday and with sunday dinner. DD does not see her Dad and I thought she would get something from being close to my M.

It is quite deep but I have cut ties before with my mum and it was great, she shows no interest in the other grandkids. she even said she had the grandchild she wanted and I was pregnant with my 2nd at the time,

Fell so helpless, I asked for SS help they sent the banana women who basically gave my DD all the power, now look, she is classed as borderline with mental health.

She visited yesterday, un announced, I tried to talk my daughter into stopping over the holiday and she said I didn't understand she is ill.. She was fine when I took her to a taster at college tho. She said that she tells the CAHMS lady about how I left her to look after the kids, I suffered depression some years back, she didn't at all, I cooked, cleaned, fed, she sometimes kept an eye on them if I was having a bad day but I was looking after them.. Fell like it is all my fault, my mental health made her like this :(..

OP posts:
Report
Gymbob · 01/04/2015 10:31

omg, save her from your mother! sorry but she sounds like a terrible influence. your DD needs rules and boundaries and consistency. my DD would love to live with your mother, she'd be off the rails in no time.

come on, do it for your daughter's sake Sad

Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 12:33

Mm might be a bit late for that. Feel better after the meeting

OP posts:
Report
Haggisfish · 01/04/2015 15:24

What was said?

Report
Dizzy79 · 01/04/2015 18:51

She just told me what my rights were and gave me thr information to make a formal complaint against the banana lady.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.