cost increase for 16 year olds??

[notharriet]

I've put this on stepparenting with more step associated info but essentially - I guess it is a teen question..

My DSD is 16. She has been pretty much estranged since August really with maybe three coffee meets with DH in that time always when she wants some money for something.

What has happened today has left DH (and me) feeling confused as to what to do for the best. i.e. what is the right thing to do Vs being a mug.

So, she has asked him if they can meet up because “I’m about to turn 16 and go to college and at this age I need certain things from you that Mum can’t afford as my costs have gone up”.

Because we don’t have a teenager at home (as much as we’d have liked to have her in our lives!!), and have no idea about costs, we don’t want to assume that DSD is bullshitting and wonder if her costs have indeed increased and if we may be missing something? My head is telling me that at 16 must be when costs actually go down because they start to have their own life/ income etc. My thoughts are that DH could pay for half of any large items or expenses (books lists? Stationary?) but pay directly for the items. Which I don’t think he’d mind as he has always been happy to cover his responsibilities and if there really are sudden large costs, we don’t want DSd to not be able to have the things she needs. But I think she’s going to go more down the route of a regular amount of money paid to her for non descript items... which I want to help him to prepare for.

So, if you’ve got this far, my questions are:

Did you costs go up for your teenager when they started college?
What kinds of things were they?
Did they get a job?
Did you pay them pocket money?
If you are separated from their other parent – did the NRP pay for additional items for college on top of CSA and if so, what?

Thanks x

[MythicalKings]

Mine got themselves part time jobs - so should she.

[notharriet]

I asked one of the lads that works with me who is 19 and he reckons all his friends got jobs when they went up to sixth form - Waitrose/ Tescos etc. He says it's not hard to get a job as long as you're not too picky.. Is that true?

It's hard because you know what instinct tells you but I'm aware that having an eight year old doesn't qualify me to judge raising a teen!!

[SoonToBeSix]

Yes teens are far more expensive. Getting a job is a good idea but in many parts of the country it is hard for teens to find work.

[TheFairyCaravan]

I've still got an 18 yo at college, the 20 yo has left.

They both got jobs.
There were books to buy if we wanted, but the college provided them if not. We bought them so they could make notes in them, and we bought revision guides. They weren't overly expensive, think £10-15 each.
They needed A4 ring binders, pads, pens etc, we bought them from Wilkos, so again not dear.
We did have to pay for a bus pass which was in excess of £300. I don't know how that would work with low income families.

HTH

[notharriet]

Thanks all. I wondered about the train. That is something DH could help with... Although, she gets the train now to school I think so not sure if that will change

Seems a job is the key though.. We live in SE if that helps to know if it'll be easy or hard to get something.

[GemmaTeller]

This was our world a few years ago.

Basically, 'Dad, I've got no time or inclination to come and see you but am expecting you to bank roll me through college / uni /life'

'All my friends dads pay for everything and give them money every month'
'All my friends dads have bought them a car and pay the petrol/upkeep'
'All my friends dads have paid the rent on / bought them a flat'

We always wanted her to spend time with us, invited her to places, gave her money on top of giving her mum maintainance.
She basically just wanted money - and thats not me being a bitter stepmum, thats DH's opinion.

We talked her into getting a part time job, paid her mobile phone contract until she left uni and on reaching 18 and going to uni paid the money were giving her mum directly to her each month till she left uni.
We used to visit her regularly at uni and sub her extra money, take her out for meals and I used to spend time with her alone (so its not as if we didn't have a relationship).

If I were you and your DH I'd meet her for coffee and ask what she's expecting / what her extra costs are / ask whats she's doing about getting a part time job.

[sweetfluffybunnies]

I also live in SE and have two 17 year olds. DD wanted a Saturday job so we trawled around town with her handing out her CV to shops that had signs in the window advertising for staff. She got a job quite quickly, and there was interest from several shops, so it seems that it is not difficult to get a job where we are. DS applied for and was offered a Saturday job but was not happy with the pay and in the end decided his free time was more valuable to him, so turned it down. We were not really happy with this but it is his choice!

When they started 6th form we decided to give them a monthly allowance from which they need to cover all their expenses - clothes, socialising, phones etc. The only exception is things they need for school such as books, stationery, trips etc which we still pay for. As time goes by DS is finding that he does not have the money to do everything he wants, but is still adamant that he does not want a job. DD, on the other hand, is able to do more or less whatever she wants and is also saving up for a 'once in a lifetime' trip when she finishes her A levels.

So I think the key for you is to decide what you are willing to pay for, and then anything else DSD wants or needs is down to her. I think it is really helpful for teens to earn their own money, it gives them a sense of pride, ownership and responsibility, as well as teaching them to respect their and others possessions.

[Chopchopbusybusy]

When my DDs went to college they became more expensive. Bus pass £800+, no school uniforms so more money on clothes. Books and studio (art) fees. College provides no books. DD1 did lots of extra curricular activities which we encouraged but cost money.
DD1 managed to get a very flexible part time job which could be done when it suited her. She couldn't commit to regular hours because of above extra curricular activities. Her job didn't pay very well though so it just got her some extras. DD2 got a job the week after her 16th birthday which pays quite well (and she still has it 2.5 years later). She likes clothes, toiletries and make up so I am very pleased she funds a lot of this on her own but we still provide basics and give her a lunch allowance, pay her mobile and give her money on odd occasions as well as generous birthday and Christmas money gifts.
I'd say it comes down to what you can afford. We also paid for a couple of trips abroad for DD2 last summer and she has one planned so far for this summer. We live in a fairly affluent area and most of their peers have similar lifestyles.
Having said that my DDs appreciate what they get and wouldn't dream of demanding stuff. So if DSD wants things she doesn't get to only contact you for money IMO.

[notharriet]

sweetfluffybunnies - maybe that's the message then. "You'll have everything you need covered, but if you want to have the lifestyle, then you'll need to work" and maybe if she's able to give evidence of having looked for a job, then DH could sub until she's got one.. That's a tricky one though as once she's got the money in her hand I think the pledge to find a job may drift ;)

I have just had the idea that he could offer to trudge around with her finding a job... then it would be a way to spend time together too!

[TheFairyCaravan]

Our two had minimum wage jobs. DS2 works between 6-8 hours a week and extra in the school holidays. He saved his money and bought himself a car when he passed his driving test. We pay the insurance because we insured DS1 on our cars. DS1 liked £100 a pair trainers and designer Tshirts.

We bought them basic clothes for college, things like jeans, plain t-shirts, sweatshirts,etc. It doesn't need to be expensive, if they want £30+ t-shirts to wear, they buy their own. DH and I don't spend that on ours so we're not spending it on theirs.

There is a massive difference between what they would like and what they actually need!

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

Area we live jobs are like gold dust and most of the dc at sixth form or college don't have one. Bus travel is no longer paid for by LA once they start college or sixth form, one local college covers most of it so it is only £10 a term the other colleges don't and neither do the sixth forms so a term pass costs £160. They are expected to provide their own materials rather than being provided by the school so that is an additional cost. There are so many factors which affect the costs but depending on the college, location and course the costs could be very high.

[sweetfluffybunnies]

That sounds like a good way forward not. And supporting her in finding a job will probably be appreciated. Sometimes as an adult its easy to forget how daunting things like this can be first time around.

As an aside, most large chain shops (Boots, Debenhams etc) only accept online applications, and we found DD had little luck with these. It was the slightly smaller chains that advertised in their shop windows. I think we ended up giving in about 30 CV's in total, and DD heard back from probably about 5-6 of them.

Hope you manage to work something out with your DSD. Its a difficult tightrope to walk, isn't it?

[notharriet]

Thanks, it really is bunnies!! Fortunately, she is absolutely beautiful, articulate, and comes across very well in person so I think physically going in to shops is going to be the way to get a job.

The problem is that her boyfriend lives in another county so I think there may be some reluctance to committing to a job at weekends.

[Faithless]

When my own DD started college, her travel costs went up massively. I bought her a bus pass, it was £200 for a school year and enables her to travel anywhere in our city and surrounding areas including weekends. It has saved her (me) a fortune and given her some independence and means that I don't have to worry about her being stranded without bus far.
Something like that would be helpful, and ensures you are not just dishing out cash.
She also got a job with a restaurant chain but had to leave recently when they started increasing her shifts, to the extent that she was getting no time to study.

[notharriet]

Travel seems a common theme. That's definitely something to look at then. He doesn't know what college/ sixth form she is going to so hopefully she will reveal that when they meet and he will understand what travel will be involved.

[frog51]

If she is off to college then I think she may be talking about travelling costs, perhaps course fees, lunches in the college cafeteria (!), clothes, stationery etc etc. There may even be her mum's influence in there somewhere, so tread carefully. If it were me, I think I would agree to give her a monthly allowance based on whatever you can afford, to help her on her way through college. If she wants more, then suggest she get a part time job to supplement her income and fit in with her studies. Not only does it give her the finances she needs, but helps to get work experience and build up her CV - all of which will make her more attractive to employers in the future. Hope this helps.

[ChillySundays]

notharriet I have also posted on your other thread.

A lot of the major chains advertise jobs on their websites rather than in the window - the kids don't even have to get off their arse to apply!

My DD had a CVs in her bag at all times. When she was in town and saw a notice in a window she had a CV ready to hand in.

[SecretSquirrels]

Very, very difficult for teens to find jobs in this area. The vast majority of my DC friends do not have part time jobs. Both of mine have managed to find very irregular or very low paid work but certainly not earning much.
Costs at 6th form not noticeably greater than at school here. Perhaps more spent on clothes with no uniform.
Driving lessons at 17 and living expenses at uni ..... a different matter.

[notharriet]

Do you mind me asking where you are Squirel? Roughly.

[BackforGood]

M experience is that most dc either have very affluent parents who choose to spoil their dc or the dc get jobs of one sort or another. I acknowledge this might be easier in a City than a more remote location.

Costs don't massively increase, except they are more likely to "go out" quite a bit more - but then, if they want to buy a concert ticket it does them no harm to understand that = X hours of work, IMO

If they do use public transport - and this varies around the country I think - they have to pay adult fare once they turn 16 unless they fib or they can buy a pass which then enables them to travel for less, if they are using the train regularly enough, that helps, but not as a one off.

The drink taken to parties tends to become alcoholic rather than pop , so that's one more slight cost increas

[notharriet]

Just done a very quick search online and first two that come up are a Tesco role close to home 8 hours on a Sunday, and a job in a well known jewelry shop six hours on a Sunday - £8 per hour + commission!

That's around £200 a month and she could still visit her boyfriend from Friday through to Saturday.

Of course she could meet with DH and bring evidence of having applied for all of these so let's see.

[circular]

DD1 now in yr13, school 6th form. Strict dress code, so a couple of suits and a few blouses, so similar to uniform cost wise. Folders and and stationery usually got with weekly shop, so less noticeable.
Most noticeable extra cost was having to start paying for travel, about £10 per week oyster top ups.
No job in yr12, too disorganised and does Saturday music school. Never increased her allowance, didn't really go out much.
Had part time work since start yr13, although struggles to fit everything in. Gets between £250 and £300 a month, goes out a bit now but most gets saved. Still buy her essential clothes, school & music related stuff.
Worked out that the amount we spend on her while she's at home is more than the top up needed when she goes away to Uni. But that's been the same since she was about 13.

[SecretSquirrels]

We're in rural North notharriet so job market no doubt different from where you are. I do get a bit fed up of flippant comments like these though Mine got themselves part time jobs - so should she. It's not that easy.

DS1 earned about £80 a month and DS2 £300 over last summer but nothing since. I don't feel they should have to work when studying in sixth form but a part time job in any form is valuable work experience.
Having said that the cost of living is lower here than London. Not much to spend it on! DS2 is 17 and gets £80 a month plus lunch from me and never spends it all.

[notharriet]

Thanks Squirrels. And everyone else who's contributed

I've discovered through a friend who still has DSD on social media which sixth form she is going to and it is the same distance as where she is now - 25 minutes on the bus, or a 30 minute walk. So no additional costs there.

I think what it will come down to is - "The CSA should cover your essential needs. If there are any large purchases when you start sixth form I will pay for them directly. And if you want a social life you will need to get a job"

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

Don't be too sure about the no increase in bus travel, my daughter stayed at the same sixth form as school and it went up to £160 a term simply because at the main school she qualified for a bus pass but the sixth form doesn't, our LA do not provide travel to sixth form.