Help please...teenage friendship advice

[Spangle1969]

Hi everyone. I know there are numerous threads on teenage friendship problems, but I would hopefully like to hear from some of you who have experienced these issues first hand.
It's early days yet, but my dd is having problems with her best friend. At first she seemed to be acting 'a bit funny' This has escalated over the week into her not talking to my dd at all and other friends following suit. Which has left my dd out in the cold.
She is so upset and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I have a big ball of anxiety over it and imagine all horrible scenarios of my dd being alone! Whilst trying to tell her it will all blow over.
They share lots of lessons together and I'm hoping it won't effect her school work. I'm probably totally over analysing, but this is our first problem with school life. I know the parents, so am wondering if it might be an idea to get the girls together to sort it out, or see how things go of their own accord.
In your experience, do these situations generally right themselves?
All the friends seem like lovely girls and I hope they can find their way back to being friends, are the chances that they will all make up again in the coming weeks and all will be forgotten?
Any comments would be so welcome. Thank you

[Spangle1969]

Thank you. We've discussed all options. And I fear it's easy for her to decide when she is at home to do a certain thing. But this may not be the case back at school with them all. There was a misunderstanding that seems to have been blown out of all proportion by the 'friends' . My dd even apologised and was oblivious to any issues.
I'm hoping, that as in other threads, it all blows over. But really want to be able to give her sound advice, ultimately I understand it's her choice

[jeee]

Thing about a misunderstanding which 'has been blown out of all proportion' is that the other girl might not see it like this. She might feel that she's been on the receiving end of the problem, and that your dd is the cause of the problem. I'm not saying this is the case - but it's perhaps worth considering. Is it possible that the misunderstanding is something that your dd needs to acknowledge, and perhaps take some responsibility for?

[Spangle1969]

I'm trying not to put my anxiety over the situation on to her and appear quite matter of fact over it all. Hopefully she is quite resilient and can deal with it. It just all seems so cruel. I know these things happen all the time. And I'm sure it won't be the last time, but this one is the marker to see how she handles these sort of problems. I wish I could just make it go away

[Spangle1969]

Thanks jeee
When it was brought to my daughters attention, she did apologise. She was unaware until that point. She's so upset as she would not want to upset her friends

[Spangle2015]

In your opinions, does this sort of thing turn in to full on bullying, or am I over-reacting and it will calm down and fizzle out. I'm nervous for dd going to school tomorrow, as not sure what the day may hold. All I keep doing is imagining horrible situations!
I'm in no way saying my child is an angel, but she's such a happy, smiley girl. Seeing her so down is heartbreaking. Thanks

[Goldmandra]

I just wanted to give a slightly different perspective.

My DD1 was in a close friendship for a year with a girl who needed an awful lot of emotion propping up.

I had the opportunity to spend a day with the two girls together and realised that, what looked like a friendship from the outside, was actually a horrible, one-sided controlling relationship with my DD's needs totally disregarded by both girls.

After that my DD realised that she needed to reduce the intensity of the friendship but the other girl made it very hard for her to back off. In the end DD1 realised that the only option was to withdraw from the friendship totally.

It would be very easy to see this as my DD cutting her off and being nasty and she felt very worried about being judged.

I'm not suggesting that your DD is like this girl, just that sometimes there isn't a good way to finish a friendship that's come to the end of its natural life.

[Spangle2015]

I see your point. But honestly, up until now they have been wonderful friends. They share the same sense of humour, laugh and joke together all the time. Two peas in a pod. Both independent girls with a lovely connection.
I'm wondering now if BF is being led by one of the other girls, as this really does seem out of character.
My DD is not a needy child. She just loves being happy and doesn't like to upset people and doesn't understand why they would want to hurt her

[Spangle2015]

I'm not a wrap them up in cotton wool type of mum either, which I may be making myself sound like.
I just have no understanding of these situations and am trying to work out the best advice I can give her for going in to school tomorrow and how to handle the situation. Thanks

[Spangle2015]

It's such a long time since I was a teen girl!! xx

[Goldmandra]

Do you think they do want to hurt her? My DD didn't. She just wanted to move on. there didn't seem to be a good way to do it.

If someone is setting out to hurt your DD that is different but could it be that the other girl just doesn't value the friendship any more? If that's the case, accepting it and moving on is an important life skill because it happens to us throughout our lives.

[Spangle2015]

It's so hard to say. But they've seen her in tears. They've all ignored her, turned their backs (actually speaking, not figuratively)
So they will know how upsetting it is. I'm not trying to apportion blame, as I know that sadly this appears to be part of growing up. My main concern is, would this kind of thing usually escalate, or be a drama for a while and then blow over? Should I involve myself to some degree, or sit on the sidelines and see how it owns out?

[Spangle2015]

*pans out

[norightanswer]

Hi Spangle. I went through the same thing with my dd. When her bf at the time seemed to want to move on it was awful to watch. At the time dd felt that she was not only losing her bf but also all the friends in the friendship group. The worse thing for her was that the bickering continued online after school and made matters so much worse, as is usually the case, when kids hide behind a screen. My dd had various other friends, maybe not so close at the time but threw herself into these friendships instead. She now has a really lovely group of different friends and ironically, nearly 18 months later, she still socialises with her old bf and old frienship group but on a different level. She is in some lessons with her old bf and they also play sport together. I know I'm waffling on a bit, but what I'm trying to say is sometimes these things happen for the best. I am so glad now that I did not get involved and speak to the old bf's Mum and that I didn't advise my dd really on how she should play it. She decided herself that there were other friends out there that would make her feel wanted. It wasn't easy though it took her a few weeks and several online spats for her to realise that she was better off moving on and not trying to stay in a friendship that was becoming one sided. My advice is to listen to her but not to ask her about it unless she brings it up. This weekend at home with you is her chance to try and forget it and the more you talk and analyse the more it will be on her mind. Good luck x

[juliascurr]

any Student Support/counselling at the school?
hideous situation
hope it gets sorted soon

[norightanswer]

Hi bunbaker, glad your dd moved on too and isn't karma a wonderful thing?!

[Spangle2015]

norightanswer - thank you so much. I kind of let out a huge sigh after reading your message. My personal view is 'why would you want friends like that' but this is not my fight.
I have discussed other friends with DD and she has named a few, so my advice is going to be for her to walk in to school, with her head held high and cultivate new friendships. Whatever happens with the old BF and group will happen, but to focus on the good. I love your thinking that these things sometimes happen for the best. My worry was that it may escalate into bullying, but it think that is hopefully down to an over active imagination. It won't be easy for her, but just knowing, hearing positives has made me feel more positive. I'm so glad things worked out for your DD.
Thanks howcanitbe, DD did try and talk to her BF, but it did no good, thank you for your kind words, I will make sure to come back in a few weeks with a progress report
juliascurr, I'm going to leave it for a few days I think, to see how she handles it and make sure it doesn't escalate into anything bigger before I involve the school. They have a very good pastoral care unit though, so I will keep them in mind.
Thanks Bunbaker. Again I'm glad your DD worked things out. These responses have helped to put my mind at rest a little. You know that you're not the only family this has happened to, but advice and kind words and positive outcomes all help ease the stress!! My daughter too, does not try and fit in. She is a good girl (probably a bit of a goody goody in some eyes) but is very content with that. Maybe some see that as a threat or a bad thing as she has no desire to rebel...(yet)
Thank you everyone

[JustDanceAddict]

How are things now, Spangle? DD (year 8) came back yesterday telling me a friend of hers had got really annoyed w/her when they were doing a practical task together in a lesson and then spread loads of crap around to their group inc DD's bf about DD (that she cried = she didn't). Thankfully the other girls don't seem to be taking the bait - but the friend wouldn't let DD Sit at their table in another lesson and she went to sit somewhere else. DD takes some responsibility for not being great on the task, but I said it's fine for her friend to be irritated with her and not want to see her for a bit (I know DD can be annoying!!), but not OK to spread rubbish about her and exclude her. DD said that she did text friend to say 'hi' last night. I think she wants to make up for the sake of the group. I think it's very difficult for teens to express themselves w/friends. S has moved away from a couple of girls that she was good friends with last year. One in particular she doesn't like anymore and rejects her party invites, but she hasn't officially 'broken up'. I think we have to leave them to it and just advise and make sure they are not the ones being bitchy. I wouldn't go up to school unless I felt there was a bullying issue to be addressed - continual exclusion from a group, name calling, etc. DD is quiet though in nature (unless you know her well), but she does stand up for herself which is good.

[Spangle2015]

Sorry JustDanceAddict, I have only just seen your post. I hope your DD's week improved.
It's been a bumpy time in out house! However the advice to rise above it and use as a positive to make new friends was perfect. When DD returned to school after the initial weekend of trouble she suffered the dirty looks, and the wider group trying to involved themselves. Not speaking to her and speaking about her. She was accused of doing and saying many things over the weekend, although she had had no contact whatsoever with any of her 'friends'
She didn't rise to the bait and spent time with others who, although she had chatted to in the past, she had not been close to.
One of her old group refused to not talk to DD, so stayed with her, which was very mature of her and helped a lot.
By the following weekend her old BF had turned on another member of the group and by the end of this week, all of the old group have decided they no longer want to be friends with DD's old BF. Apparently, she had been telling all they could not speak to DD and bending the truth somewhat with regards to what DD had done and said.
All of this has happened without DD reacting in any way.
I must say I am very proud of her. She dealt with everything fantastically and despite the initial upset (which, was pretty close to the end of the world!) has managed to turn the nasty situation in to a positive. The old friends have apologised and now joined DD with her new friends
Thank you everyone