When you are shouted at by your teenager do feel like a piece of nothing?! Or is it just me?!

[febel]

So, she has stormed out after a row, again, cos I have found her out, again, and she has been lying to me.

Swearing , shouting, storming out and telling me how vile I am, and that I am a liar too etc etc and no wonder she never likes to stay in. She goes downstairs with a look of hate on her face towards me, screams at me not to expect her back tonight, and no wonder she HATES being at home . Gone to a friends we don't know.

So now I am sitting here, a woman in my 40s with three grown up (ish) girls, 24, 22 and 17 (yes it's the latter..again..causing trouble with her lying..again) feeling like sh*t, like I am the worst mother out, that I have handled things all wrong and that I am NEVER going to have any sort of relationship with her at all, ever. Elder sister says she cannot belevie I let her get away with it, and the way she talks to me is appalling. And it is. And her behaviour is appalling. And she is spoilt and gets her own way and is never in and expects money and handouts etc.

[noblegiraffe]

Don't spoil her, don't give her any money until she starts treating you like a decent human being.

She'll walk all over you if you let her. Don't let her.

[RJnomore]

No I don't feel like shit on the (rare) occasions my 15yo shouts at me.

I feel angry that she dares to, tbh, and then I feel sorry for her that she is so unhappy. But I know I have done the best job I can as a parent and I know that I deserve respect for that and for the opportunities and the love she has, so I am confident to stand up to her, stop money, phone, any favours etc until I get that respect.

It sounds like your own self esteem is pretty low - listen to your older daughter.

[ragged]

I think you'd be inhuman not to feel hurt. It's nature's way of making us happy when they move out!!

I feel sure that sibling rivalry is motivating a lot of what your eldest said, truth is somewhere in-between.

[chocoluvva]

Firstly

Do you shout at her?

[febel]

She is 17, and no I do my best to stay calm...I have read countless parenting books as we have had a difficult ride over the last few years.

She has various issues which are challenging to deal with...lying, not liking to be in the wrong, anxiety (but doesn't appear anxious, covers it up by being very aresey) and has a vicious temper and tongue, which her older sisters find diffiuclt too, esp when it 's directed at me, which it usually is.
Silly things too like shutting us out of her life as much as she can to the extent that for a long time she wouldn't say where friends lived, and never ever has friends home(except her boyfriend) and doesn't even get picked up at home...walks to the centre of the village to get picked up. Never experienced this before (she is the youngest of 3) and find it difficult and her mouth can be so mean and vicious if she goes off on one I find it really upsetting...I am not good with discord or disagreements. Believe me, I am NOT on her back a lot, she has a very free and full life and is out all the time. (cos if I mention it she says she HATES being at home..hurtful I guess but I try not to be, try to remember she is a teenager and they go out a lot...but do yours go out ALL the time?)