whats going on with my daughter?

[sillygiraffe]

This is quite similar to previous threads but I really do need some support and to know that I am not the only one feeling like this. DD nearly 16 is driving me nuts. I dont know whats happened to her in the last 6 months or so but I hate to admit that I love her but dont like her much. She's always been strong willed but she is pushing the boundaries a bit too much now and I cant believe how selfish she has become. Unless its her mates of course when she's just lovely.

We have had constant battles about her phone and the amount of time she spends doing whatever it is that the kids do on them these days. I just found out that she has been watching Fifty Shades of Grey on her laptop! She doesnt know that I know but I am shocked! She's too young for such things surely! And I darent mention it to her as she will think I have been spying on her and I dont want another row. (I found this by chance - I wasnt really spying) I have resorted to taking phone and laptop off her on school nights (same as previous poster she's been on it until stupid o'clock) and she is not thrilled about this.

She's been late for curfews so we are trying to get this sorted and never spends any time at home if she can help it. As for doing anything or spending any time with her family, well forget it.

She has GCSE's coming up and she is not doing any revision at home. I know that all they are doing at school now is revision in class and I am hoping that this is enough to get her through so she can go to 6th form. She is doing ok at school having said that and there have been no problems reported to us.

This has turned into a bit of a rant about DD and I must be grateful that she has not got into any serious trouble and I suppose this is nothing compared to what other folk are going through. She hasnt done anything bad tbh but its just so exhausting and I cant wait for her to grow out of all this. Do I just leave her to get on with things and make her own mistakes?

I just want my lovely little girl back :(

[Heyho111]

Hi. Your D's brain is trying to make her an adult and independant from you. The way it does this is to make her feel anger, hatred and embarrassment towards you. It's not her being a horrid person deliberately it's her brain feeding her these emotions. All teens have them but some get it more than others. They will have moments when they don't feel this and you see the real them for a short moment. Their brains also make them want to push boundaries and take risks. It does this to teach them risk taking and discussion making. Put on top of it that they are still egotistical but is highlighted more by their age and that girls are very verbal. So express how they are feeling about you and your descissions constantly. My life horrid for a while.
Also sanctions and telling off dosent work for some it makes it worse.
Pick your battles. Ignore the rudeness, shouting etc. really hard to do. I had to walk away and scream internally.
Try not to fix her problems. This stratagy really works. Just agree with her. Eg. I look shit in all my clothes. Your response would have been. No you don't you look lovely. Her reply. Shut up your just saying that because your my mum and you no nothing. You say. Don't talk to me like that. Response. Piss off. Shouting sanctions etc etc
If you had replied. I have days like that when I hate how I look. It horrid. Then walk away. You've acknowledged how she feels. Normalised her feelings and not tried to fix it. Her response. Yeh it's horrid.
Use this technique in all sorts of situations.
Also let her use her phone. It's what they all do constantly. If she's not too late after she's meant to be back let it go. If she is doing ok in school leave that too because she is doing well. Pick your battles to the important stuff. She seems to be rebelling against what you want her to do. You need her to think she's made the descissions not you. It's hard but it will make for a happier home.

[PannaDoll]

I don't thibj you can have your lovely little girl back I'm afraid :-( she's busy trying to become a woman,

Pretty sure I was reading Flowers I'm the Attic and watching Nine & a Half Weeks by 16, so no, it's no surprise she's watching 50 Shades of Grey.

No advice on the screen time and curfew stuff. It sounds like hard work for you as boundaries are pushed.

[curlyhair500]

I can sympathise with you. Almost exactly the same thing going on with my DD and I dont know what the answer is. It is making me quite ill tbh and I've cried so many tears in the last week or so over it. We have just got to try and get through it and hope that someday things get better but thats in the hands of our dd's. Be strong.

[Redhead11]

You are right in the worst part of the teens and I'm really sorry, but it will be another few years before she becomes fully human again. Until then, you can only do the best you can. I agree with limiting the electronics - one more than one occasion, I removed the laptop and phone. I had definitely read things like Flowers In The Attic by 16, so i'm not surprised by Fifty Shades.

I wish you all the best in finding coping methods. i found that some boundaries were negotiable, but with clear penalties if they were then breached. Try agreeing with her if she says her clothes make her look bad - then when indignant screeches follow, ask her what she wanted you to say. That sometimes works.

[chocoluvva]

I'm not surprised she's watching fifty shades of grey - it's advertised and talked about everywhere - she's bound to be curious. Your most helpful response would be to pretend that you aren't shocked and briefly tell her that sex on screen in unrealistic.

In order to continue to have influence over her you need to appear to be fairly unshockable/non-judgmental or she will be secretive and just think you know nothing about anything important as you're so old and behind the times. She is the next generation so she will have slightly different ideas from you - you on the other hand have the wisdom of experience.

The phone thing is very difficult. I sympathise. However, it unfortunately seems to be normal now to look at phones very frequently and conduct a huge amount of socialising via whats app, texting, fb, instagram etc. FWIW, I was dismayed to learn that higher education institutions do most stuff online too - students were told to check their emails four times a day - apparently there is no escape.

Is she your first DC? I ask because I know what a shock it is with your first teen. It's so frustrating when they behave in ways that are harmful -eg spending half the night texting instead of sleeping. But it might be better to let her see the effects of sleep deprivation for herself. Teenagers do find it difficult to get to sleep at a reasonable time anyway. (My DS recently commented that he's sleepy in the afternoon but annoyingly wide-awake at 10.30.) Perhaps she could have her phone at night with the proviso that she gets herself up in the morning and in to school on time. At the moment she isn't learning how to self-regulate and she will think you are out to 'control' her.

Does she get much exercise/fresh air? These will help with good sleep patterns. But I know how difficult it can be to get a reluctant teen to have healthy and cheerful habits.

[sillygiraffe]

Thank you all for your comments. I am not so bothered about the 50 Shades thing now. I was just surprised I suppose.

Chocoluvva, I have a ds18 and he was no bother at all really. So its a real shock to have DD the way she is with us. The staying up all night thing has been going on for quite a while I think - she was only just caught out recently - so sleep deprivation is not having much of an effect on her, apart from us thinking its making her a bit more grumpy, which she vigorously denies. She does get plenty of exercise as well.

Its the whole "dont care" attitude that is so hard to take.

Curlyhair. This is making me ill too. I am crying all the time, cant eat and have lost interest in everything. A bit dramatic, I know, but had a rough few months with other stuff as well which isnt helping.

When will it end?

[rootypig]

OP look at the website aha parenting.

www.ahaparenting.com

[chocoluvva]

rootypig - that article is great IMO. I wish I'd read it years ago - I had an almost overnight change of heart about my parenting style when my first DC was 15 - I'm very much of the teenagers are too old for punishments/sanctions, try to compromise as far as possible, support my teens through the minefield that is 'modern western society' school of thought. The upshot is I think I have a fairly good relationship with them - but they have some obvious flaws (I suppose we all do)eg the older one uses her phone too much and the younger one spends too much time gaming. So I often wonder if I'm just taking the lazy way out by not battling with them more to have healthier habits and a better work ethic. But I think they're nice kids and they're doing reasonably well... so on balance I stand by my advice to silly

silly - I'm very sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Do you think you might be depressed as a result of the 'other stuff'?

Try to do something nice for yourself and look after yourself - take a break from worrying about your DD and you might find that you are more able to parent her the way you want to.

[Travelledtheworld]

sillygiraffe I am gong through the same with my Dd 16 esp the Don't Care attitude and not doing any school work. Last night we had huge pointless arguments about Clarinet practice, exam next week.
" I was going to practice but because you told me to do it I'm NOT going to do it....and storms off.

One minute she loves me and it's all cuddles and affection then she hates me and says I am annoying and stomps off....

I can only say, detach and keep your sense of humour.

Oh and her English teacher suggested the class read " 50 Shades" WTF?

[sillygiraffe]

I would be pleased to have any cuddles and affection. DD just keeps away from everyone in the house.

I am definitely depressed and its as a result of all this. If this wasnt happening I would be fine I'm sure :(

[rootypig]

Please investigate the website ^^

I don't know parents who haven't found succour for themselves there, as well as insight and understanding for their children.

[sillygiraffe]

Had a quick look at the website but its DH who is gonna need convincing about this way of parenting! He's more determined than me.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

I think if you feel depressed, it's a bit unfair to blame your DD, especially if you've had a rough few months with other stuff too. Sorry if that sounds a bit heartless, but depression can happen without things prompting it too. Do see your GP if you think things are getting too much and maybe by adjusting the way you respond, it will help with your DD too.

Your DH doesn't sound too constructive, sounds like you do have a lot going on.

[sillygiraffe]

DH just has his ideas of whats best as everything I've tried in the past (ie trying to let things go) hasnt worked very well, hence the current situation. I always made threats of grounding etc but never followed thru with them. I suppose I am blaming DD for the way I am feeling as I was fine, despite other issues to deal with, and then we had a big confrontation with DD a few weeks ago and it really affected me badly. Maybe I am being unfair blaming her as its my fault that I cannot handle things better and I'm supposed to be the grown up.

[chocoluvva]

Oh please don't be hard on yourself. No-one is a perfect parent - ever. It sounds like you are doing fine anyway - your DD is doing okay at school, has a good social life and gets enough exercise - that 's pretty good.

Concentrate on yourself now so you can begin to feel better - see your GP perhaps or talk to a MH specialist.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

It is difficult being the grown up, I don't always get it right myself

What is DH's way of doing things?

[rootypig]

OP, I'm sorry to be so frank, but a quick look isn't going to cut it. If you are in a serious depression, then you need to broaden your search for answers, and you need to make it your mission in life to find some.

You are the parent. Blaming your DD (for what??) is not on.

[sillygiraffe]

He's more strict than me but I've kind of always gone against his advice in the past as I'm too soft and its ended up with a big row with DD. My way of doing things is obviously not working. So he's got involved now and is laying down the law a bit. Nothing too drastic, only times to be in and no phone during the school nights.

[sillygiraffe]

rootypig. I've actually had more than a quick look at the website and I've been trying to do many of the things talked about for a long time. It hasnt helped so far. Just trying to do the best we can.

[rootypig]

I can only go by what you say. I am not trying to be unkind - honestly. I think MN can be a brilliant place to come and say, I feel overwhelmed. But you have come to ask for advice and then your responses contain an odd sort of evasiveness.

Do you really need to have a different conversation? one that's more about you?

[sillygiraffe]

Thanks. I know you are trying to help me. Its great that MN gives lots of different opinions and advice.

[curlyhair500]

Silly, I dont think you are being evasive in your answers at all. You are obviously having a tough time and just want some support. Different people have different ways of dealing with things and I'm sure you dont really blame your daughter for this. Its the situation thats the problem. Dont be downhearted and keep posting :)

[Onlyonamonday]

I have two dds 19 & 17 ... The worst time is 15 -16 when they are trying to become independent
The best advice is to detach slightly, be there for when they need you and muddle through .. I find it slightly easier now they are a couple of years older as they are adults.

[chocoluvva]

I agree wholeheartedly - 14-16 seems to be the trickiest stage.

And trying to 'detach slightly' is very good advice IMO too - don't take it personally - teenagers are notoriously callously behaved with their parents. I was horrid to my DM when I was a teenager and cringe to think of my behaviour to my lovely mum now.

[MaudeLebowski]

16 is not too young to have an interest in sex.