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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Concerned about giving a friend of mine even more worry about her DD but feel I need to say something. WWYD?

15 replies

MyballsareSandy · 22/02/2015 20:53

I'll try to make this brief. A close friend has been having problems with her 17 year old DD. She has got in with a bad crowd recently, dropped out of college, taking ecstasy and smoking weed. Friend is obviously very worried and upset.

They were at our place for lunch last weekend. Her DD was upstairs with my two DDs who are 13. They know a bit about what has been going on, but not everything. Anyway, I'm cooking and get a text from Dt1 saying we are going to come downstairs and ask to go into town, please can you say no. So I replied "why". DT1 text back saying that friends DD was meeting her dodgy crowd to get more drugs and wanted them to go with her.

I'm so disappointed that this girl has tried to get my 13 year olds involved in all of this. She's almost an adult, they are much younger.

I've thought about it this week and I don't want to tell my friend as she's extremely stressed out, younger son also bunking school and dabbling in drugs and she is so lovely. I'm thinking of having a word with the daughter, or would you just leave it?

My other DD is very easily led, she doesn't know that her sister texted me, she wanted to go! Which worries they crap out of me.

OP posts:

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Gymbob · 22/02/2015 21:08

why is the 17 yr old hanging around with 13yr olds? I would read the riot act big time to the 17yr old, you could say if she tries anything like it again you'll tell her mum.

SunnyBaudelaire · 22/02/2015 21:12

I would have words yes but it could be that you lose your friend.

Hassled · 22/02/2015 21:15

I think the ideal is that you talk to the mother. The danger of just speaking to the DD is that if it ever finds its way back to the mother she might have a problem with you not being up front with her. If you really really can't talk to your friend, then yes, talking to the DD is the next best bet. But don't just leave it.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/02/2015 21:18

I'd definitely say something to the 17 year old, and maybe only let them hang out together downstairs in future, but I wouldn't say anything to themum, she's aware of the drug use already, what a nightmare for her.

tibni · 22/02/2015 21:30

So difficult. I would suggest whatever you think talk to your dd1 before you do anything. She has trusted and turned to you and you don't want to do anything to damage your good relationship with her.

ragged · 22/02/2015 21:31

I would probably say something directly to the 17yo and not to the mother. I would do it in an adult to adult way.

I'd probably have to add something about how it pained me to see her mother in pain from the 17yo's shenanigans. Maybe with words to the 17yo to the effect "especially because I know You can do better."

But you might end up hearing a pack of things you never knew or wanted to know about your lovely friend (& some of them might even be true).

MyballsareSandy · 22/02/2015 21:49

Thanks for replies. They are neighbours and all the kids have been in and out of each other's houses for years, this is why I think she still hangs out with my 13 year olds. The gap has seemed different at times, mine are nearly 14 so there is a 3 years difference but the gap seems massive at the moment.

I agree about. DD1 trusting me by sending that text, I don't want to ruin that by speaking to the friends DD. She might decide not to tell me stuff in future. One of the dodgy group is a girl from their year who has been expelled from their school, and subsequently another school.

Funny one poster should say about 'being better than that'. I've said the same to my DDs. This girl is bright and funny and has so much going for her, the college was hard to get into,and now she's lost her place , due to drugs and apathy.

Scares the shit out of me with young teens, particularly DD2, she thought it would be exciting to go and meet this crowd. Thanks Christ she has her sister looking out for her.

OP posts:

MyballsareSandy · 22/02/2015 21:50

Ragged what do you mean about hearing things about my friend?

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 22/02/2015 21:52

I would not break your daughters trust in this case. You have a lot to gain by keeping quiet and therefore getting more information and halting plans like trips to the town if your other dd gives you a heads up every time the 17yo tries to drag them along.

ragged · 22/02/2015 22:00

If confronted, the 17yo could lash out by trying to make her mother out to be the bad guy. As a shoddy self-defence for her own bad choices. So saying things her mother did wrong (which could be exaggerated or untrue).

It wasn't clear to me where OP's DD1 had said that the txt was confidential, info never to be repeated, but I guess somehow others can see that. The DD2 told the DD1 not to tell mom?

ghostspirit · 22/02/2015 22:14

im just thinking if the 17 year old is on drugs is she even going to be reasonable? or logic. maybe its a good idea to make sure you talk to your daughters to make sure they are safe and tell them they are not allowed out with her.

i don't know its a hard one

Mrsjayy · 22/02/2015 22:19

Well done your daughter you must be very proud of her for thinking on her feet like that. Drugs alter people s rational thinking this girl wasn't thinking right I know you are all friends but I think you need to keep this to yourself for now trust your twins but keep an eye on this girl

MrsSquirrel · 23/02/2015 12:14

I wouldn't speak to the daughter. What would it accomplish? Surely she knows you disapprove of the drugs. She would most likely lie to you or get defensive, not a productive conversation imo.

IIWY I would focus on protecting my dds. Speak to them about what happened, about the other girl and drug-taking more generally.

ragged · 23/02/2015 12:34

Oh, I'd still plan to speak to the girl. Along the lines of

"I need to speak to you about the other day. Do you know why I wouldn't let my girls go to town? Because I know about your drug habits & unpleasant friends & I didn't know what you were telling them upstairs. I can't take any chances that you're going to expose my girls to any of that. And yes I know all about what you're up to -- your mother has to share her worries with someone! If I EVER hear that you have exposed my girls to any of that crap I will come down on you like a tonne of bricks. Understood?"

Nothing revealed, nobody grassed up, girl still warned & admonished.

anthropology · 26/02/2015 08:27

Your DDsounds amazing and smart so I would not break her trust. I think both girls need to warned of consequences of drugs etc and if their friend has lost a lot it sounds like a cautionary tale. your girls are learning about the dangers all around but under your protection . Just tell that they mustn't hang out with her . ...If you follow previous posters advice it does implicate your daughter and it sound like you are a good friend and as a family your friend appreciates your support and if everyone drops the family it makes it harder to change things for the teen. If it happens again maybe help your DDhave the confidence to turn down any offers herself ...This situation may happen with peers soon.

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