do you reprimand them for speaking to you like a piece of shit or let it go¿

[Gymbob]

Following on from the other threads about our horrid teens. My dd is 15, surgically attached to her phone, miserable obnoxious and basically horrid, unless it's all about her. its the way she talks to me that angers me the most, the lack of respect, like I'm a piece of shit.

do you let it go, or not?

[ragged]

50:50
Some of what MNers describe as insufferable backchat is nothing to me, though.

[MrsGuyGarvey]

Not, I have a death stare so they don't do it. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like shit by anyone.. I talk to them with respect ad vice versa.

[StayGoldPonyBoy]

I would never take it. My parents never took it. Mutual respect is the way forward.

[OldLadyKnows]

I found the phrase, "I beg your pardon!" useful, especially when accompanied by the Death Stare. In front of pals is good, too.

[Twitterqueen]

I'm going thru the same right now but with my previously sensible and understanding eldest who is now just shy of 20. she came home from Uni for reading week and was an absolute total complete cow.

I will not tolerate it. But I didn't engage or shout or argue. I just walked away after saying I wouldn't accept the way she spoke to me.

It's not working and I feel that actually she has a lot of hidden resentment and anger about her father's and my divorce some 4 years ago.

I have to say I really don't like her very much right now

[AnnieMorel]

I let the odd bit of arsiness go but there is no way we would tolerate our teen speaking rudely to us. It's a 2 way street.

[TheFirstOfHerName]

DS1 (15) loses his temper with me once every few weeks. I make it clear that shouting and rudeness are unacceptable and ask him to go away and return when he is calm. He always comes and apologises within 10-20 minutes and we discuss the issue more calmly.

DS2 (nearly 13) hasn't lost his temper with me yet.

[SirChenjin]

It depends. If it's a hormonal outburst I tell them to come back and speak to me when they've calmed down, or give them a look. If they are swearing in front of the 7 year old I tell them that I won't tolerate that and to moderate their language. If I'm getting a general mouthful I tell them to behave themselves or they will find themselves with consequences.

Most of the time they are lovely. Sometimes they are truly horrid. I now appreciate everything my DM did for me, and I am ashamed of some of my teenage behaviour - so have no reason to doubt they won't feel exactly the same in 20 years time.

[TheFirstOfHerName]

The biggest problem we have is the way DS1 and DS3 speak to each other. It varies between disrespect and downright horridness. Thankfully they go back to school tomorrow.

[SirChenjin]

Same her First - they genuinely hate each other most of the time, always have . How do you deal with it?

[TheSolitaryWanderer]

When they were arsey as teens, I'd warn them and then I'd do something as a consequence. Often it was as simple as crossing something they liked off the shopping list. Literally. Or telling them to walk if they asked for a lift.
I did pick my battles though, and let some stuff slide that wasn't important to me, like what they wore or them sleeping all morning at the weekend.
I do think that it's an evolutionary trait, by the time they're old enough to leave the nest, you are really, really ready for them to do so.
That said, mine are very pleasant adults now.

[AnyFucker]

no, I have never let it go and I never will

I try not to attempt to control too much of my two teenager's lives, but basic respect for me and their father is non negotiable

I know they slag me to high heaven behind my back, and gang up on me but that is their prerogative.

I expect them to address me in the way I have always addressed them...no swearing, no name calling and they will listen to both sides even if they think what I am saying is a pile of crap

[TheSolitaryWanderer]

They never spoke to me rudely, it was the squabbling between them that caused problems. But I like a tranquil and civilised atmosphere at home. so I'd get annoyed if they were being brattish.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Depends. If 'secondary' behaviour ie. I'm currently enforcing a new consequence I ignore it and all subsequent actions.

I've left rooms and gone out when that happens.

Immediate disrespect I state the consequence and leave the room.

Leaving the room works a lot of the time.

[YNK]

As adults we can choose what we listen to, so I would tell them to come and talk once they have their sensible head on.
Refuse to engage with hurtful behaviour.

[DramaAlpaca]

I won't tolerate them speaking to me in an unpleasant manner and I certainly wouldn't let it go if they swore at me or called me names. Thankfully they don't. Their father and let a lot of things go, but basic respect and good manners are non-negotiable.

I've had a few incidents of arsiness with me in front of their friends, in a showing off sort of way, but I've pulled them aside away from their friends and told them it's not acceptable. Thankfully they've grown out of that now.

[ChaiseLounger]

Not okay to me.
But a counsellor recently suggested saying something, sometimes, but also using ignoring as a technique - totally ignoring and walking off and then only acknowledging when they speak to you properly.
Am in the process of trying it out.
I normally think ignoring is quite a clever parenting technique, when it's done properly.
I'll let you know if it works on this, though!

[insanityscratching]

I probably drove mine mad tbh but they humoured me. I'd say thinks like "did you mean to be so rude or did you just forget your good manners?" "I beg your pardon" "I'll answer you when you alter your tone and show some respect" "Come back when you have got a civil tongue" pretty much all the stuff my own dm used to say really. But it worked when they were teens and now they are older they laugh about how obnoxious they were at times.
I daresay that amongst themselves they called me all the names under the sun though but at least they made sure I didn't hear them.

[RitaOrange]

Not a bloody chance I would stand there and listen to their arseyiness .
I respect them and I don't shout or swear at them.
Always useful to reference this if they are being gobshitey ( rare).

It shocks me what some parents put up with.
But I often see teens mimicking how the parents talkyell to each other.

[timeforabrewnow]

Nope - generally would pull them up on rudeness every time. DS2 at age 13 had gotten into the habit of saying 'You suck' in a silly voice as a joke. It got beyond a joke and was really disrespectful and a silly habit. I told him if he ever said that to me again or to anyone in the family, it would mean a full 3 days without the PS3 - and yes I meant it!!!

He never said it again, and is generally more respectful.

[TheFirstOfHerName]

How do you deal with it?

Not very effectively. I tried letting them sort out their differences themselves; this resulted in so much negativity that it started upsetting the other two children. Then I tried constant supervision and zero tolerance to negativity; effective but time-consuming.

[niceandwarm]

I was incredibly rude to my df when I was a teenager. Even my best friend commented on it saying he must find it very hurtful. I feel so ashamed now. I wish i could make it up to him but he died 20 years ago.

[ragged]

There was a dad in our club who brought 2 teen sons to BMX races; the lads were Gawd-Awful the way they shouted at the dad to do things for them. I was ... but now I understand. Dad probably packed the car with heaps of equipment by himself, nagged the lads, maintained their bikes, made them breakfast & lunch, unpacked, etc. If that's what it took to get them out of the house & doing some sport and having some ambitions, that's what he put up with.

I wish simply crossing something off the shopping list was enough to make my teens nice!

[Gymbob]

niceandwarm, that's so sad, but I'm right there with you. I was an awful teen and brought my own df plenty of pain and anxiety. now he's gone too
my dd thinks she knows it all right now. she also answers me back which drives me nuts. she cuts me off while I'm still talking and says okaaaaaayyyyyy

[SirChenjin]

Darn it - I was hoping for a magic cure First . DS1 goes off to University after summer - putting distance between them might finally do the trick.