I read her diary.. is she really suicidal? - please help!

[drholiday]

I read my daughters diary.... yes, that's right, shock horror naughty thing I've done and no doubt will be chastised for it but I also hope to get some genuine advice as I am really upset and have no idea what to do....
DD is 15, she has never been one to show her emotions or talk to me (or anyone else) about her feelings. She appears a normal, happy, well-adjusted teenager. She gives the impression that nothing bothers her. In her diary she writes that she is depressed, she hates herself, she feels alone, she feels like killing herself, she has no-one to talk to, she feels second choice to all her friends etc etc.... I also know in past months she created 'alternate' Instagram accounts 'emotional wreck'.

I have tried to talk to her... to give her an opportunity to tell me how she feels... but unfortunately she is like me - unwilling to express her emotions and tell people how she feels. My mother had severe mental health problems when I was a teenager and I could never speak to her about my feelings, so it breaks my heart that my DD wont talk to me.

So my question is... is this normal teenage ramblings of angst or should I be really worried? I obviously cannot tell her I read her diary as she will go mad and to be honest I know she will never tell me how she feels..... I'm so worried about her...

Just for the record other DD age 13 is the opposite and will talk to me about (I think) everything...

[ShatnersBassoon]

Does she give any reasons for saying she feels that way? Falling out with friends? Have you not allowed her to do something that's left her out of the friendship group a bit? Worried something's going to land her in trouble at school and it might get back to you?

Those are the things that really bothered me when I was a teen, and I'm sure I would have said it was making me depressed and like I didn't want to carry on living. I didn't really feel that way, I just wasn't able to deal with everyday emotions because I couldn't talk to anyone. I was actually very happy, but I used to dump upset by writing down notes on scraps of paper that I'd then tear to tiny shreds and hope my sister didn't stick them back together to blackmail me with. I couldn't keep a diary because of mum's and sister's snooping (there's your chastisement!).

Do you talk about your emotions with her? Have you ever felt like you're just having a rubbish time of things and told her about it, or that you feel very optimistic about something and that you're generally happy? I think if my mum had been open about her day to day emotions, it would have made it seem less weird for me to.

[drholiday]

thanks SB .... no particular reasons are given, she talks about feeling left out but nothing specific... she rarely goes out and does things with her friends - I am always trying to encourage her to go out and do things!

It reassuring to know that it could just be her way of offloading her general upset... I do talk to her about how I feel... and tell her when I was her age I felt x,y,z etc.. and she has seen me upset about the issues I face with my mum... but she just keeps her emotions bottled up

[Mumteadumpty]

What does she enjoy doing? Is she keeping up with her interests? Does she do any sports etc?

[Clara66]

Gosh, that's a tricky one. My daughter has suffered with depression and after she took an overdose I took to checking her diary - she kept an alternative twitter page as well which had awful stuff on it. Camhs told me that what teenagers write in secret is often just a way of dealing with their feelings and what they write is often an exaggeration of their intent. So like already said it can usually be just their way of offloading.

Unlike you, my daughter was outwardly struggling so I knew she had problems. However, like yours she bottled everything up and struggled to talk to me. Over the past couple of years she's got better at talking but it's taken a big effort from all of us. Keep talking to her - if you can take her out for coffee or lunch regularly, give her a cuddle in bed, go shopping, anything that gives you 'special' one to one time - that's when my daughter tends to open up most.

Good luck!

[yougotafastcar]

It could just be her way of offloading, but I remember being like that as a teen. I never would have actually gone through with it because I was too scared, of the pain, of the disappointment from my family. Which, funnily enough, is why I never told them that I felt so down! I knew it would hurt them and they would blame themselves for how I felt.

She appears a normal, happy, well-adjusted teenager. She gives the impression that nothing bothers her.
This was how everyone would describe me, but I was being bullied and never told anyone. I felt all those things your daughter describes.

At about 18 I went to the doctors, who made me do a assessment form on how I was feeling. My dad read it and spoke to me about it but I brushed it off, told him I was fine. I wasn't.

Please talk to her about it properly and don't just forget about it after you have a chat. It might be typical teenage drama, but at the moment to her that is a big deal. She is angry/sad at something even if she is only unloading, at the time she wrote it that's how she felt, even if just for a few seconds.

[drholiday]

thank you all for the advice... I actually found a way of bringing it up as she has parental monitoring software on her laptop and I saw she had been on sites about depression, bi-polar, being suicidal, etc... She knows I check what she's up to on her laptop so I was able to ask her about the websites.... she tried to deny that she felt like that and brushed it off as feeling stressed about school but at least she knows now how worried I am about her... I am making an effort to talk more about how I feel and hope it might have some effect....

[anthropology]

.My DDs depression appeared sudden as she masked her feelings well at school and home. She may be offloading but you are right to be cautious. School will be experienced in dealing with stressed girls at this age so I might just ask them to keep an eye on her and let you know if behaviour, friendships or performance are changing. Is she sleeping ok, is she being less sociable ? She may be a bit vulnerable and panic now if she thinks you have found out how she feels so I would keep a close eye on her, and try to do things together she enjoys rather than talking about whats wrong, or if she has an older relative who had a diffiuclt time as a teen, might she talk to them. Its difficult to speak to parents, as often they are either afraid of letting us down, or are too sad,angry and confused and dont know why they feel as they do. Another route might be that if she is feeling more tired than usual etc, to suggest you go to the GP for blood tests , and see if she will open up (if you have a good relationship with the GP). Lots of teens struggle at this age, but for some, like my daughter, severe depression or other mental health issues can take hold, and I nearly lost her by missing the signs.