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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

How do I deal with him being so unhelpful?

12 replies

fartmeistergeneral · 10/02/2015 21:46

He's 16. We've asked him to help out with a couple of things recently, one being to come home to be in the house for his younger brother (13) coming in at 10pm (we were in a very very rare night out). He didn't come home. We need him to do the same thing this Saturday (2 Saturday nights out in a row!) and he's already complaining and saying he won't do it. I've already explained calmly to him that I do a lot to help him, not asking for extreme gratitude but simply saying that I do these things (mostly driving him here and there) because I want to help him and families help each other etc. fell on deaf ears. What I'm thinking is that next time he doesn't help out when asked I want to say, well next time you need my help I'll say no and will only start helping you when you start helping me. Is this childish? If so, how should I handle this?

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 10/02/2015 21:54

What's he like normally? Is he usually helpful? A Saturday night has a special significance when you're 16, doesn't it? What's he up to?

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Heyho111 · 10/02/2015 21:58

You may find sanctions / punishments make the situation worse. Some MN mums may say come down hard on him but that could lead to a lot of arguing and diteriation of your relationship.
This is hard to know the best way.
I would ask if s could stay at a friends. Write a note to older s saying you feel let down and upset that he refuses to help. I would then leave it. His brain is egotistical , making him rebel and feel hatred towards his parents. It does this to make him become independant. All teens go through this. Some worse than others. He will come out of it but it will take years. Let him know your disappointed. Then ignore the attitude. Yes he should help you but his brain is illogical and some battles need to be left.

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AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 22:00

I wouldn't make a 16yo babysit their 13yo sibling

but I wouldn't let some other examples of selfishness go

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LaurieFairyCake · 10/02/2015 22:00

Of course you should say that. It's not tit for tat, it's normal human expectation that if you want to be helped out then you have to reciprocate.

You're the adult so you're much better at anticipating than he is - look at what he's got coming up in the next 2 weeks and say you're not driving him anywhere or giving him any money if he doesn't. Couple that with turning the wifi off and he will start complying.

You don't need to be arsey about it either - I send text messages so there's no room for error 'if you don't do this then I am unable to do xyz' and then stick to it.

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catzpyjamas · 10/02/2015 22:01

Have you asked him why he won't do it? If he has plans which would have to be changed, he might feel he has every right to say no. Teenagers are often selfish and see everything they are asked to do as some sort of infringement of their civil rights.
Maybe you need to explain why 13 year old needs him to be there as a 'responsible' adult and how much better you and DH would enjoy a rare night out knowing that he's home watching out for DS2.
As for not helping him when he next asks, (if he doesn't come through for you this time) I suggest you don't give him advance warning. Just a quiet "No, sorry. I can't help with that just now". Then if he complains feel free to agree that it's horrible when no one will help you when you ask, isn't it?

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caravanista13 · 10/02/2015 22:02

His younger brother is your responsibility not his.

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catzpyjamas · 10/02/2015 22:08

My younger brother was my responsibility too, once I was old enough. It was a PITA sometimes but you do your bit as an older sibling. That's part of being in a family.

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AnyFucker · 10/02/2015 22:09

I have never made my older teenager look after the younger teenager

chores, yes

babysitting, no

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fartmeistergeneral · 11/02/2015 07:43

I should have made clear that the babysitting would only be for an hour or so from about 10-11 when we would be home. I wouldn't ask him to sit in all night bored while we are out, it was more to help out for a very short time. I did text him to explain about families helping each other out and I felt let down by him and I've not mentioned it again. I do realise that for some teenagers it's all me, me, me and it's impossible for them to see another way and although I didn't want to reduce myself to his level, I wanted to show him what it was like to not be helped - so wondered if appropriate to refuse to drive him next time. That would kind of blow my 'families should help each other' statement out the water though. Hmm.

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SavoyCabbage · 11/02/2015 07:44

Won't the 13 year old just be fine for an hour?

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missnevermind · 11/02/2015 07:49

It's not 'babysitting' he is letting his brother in at 10pm FGS

But this is the sort of thing my 16 yo would do. Does not get the concept of family working together.
It's a pain in the arse yes but it is also typical 16 yo selfishness.

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fartmeistergeneral · 11/02/2015 08:04

Actually Savoy yes of course, the 13 year old would be fine for an hour and I don't want to make too big a thing of that - more the fact that the 16 yo wouldn't help and lied about doing it (forgot to mention that dh phoned to see if he was home with ds2 and ds1 said yes and that everything was fine!). The thing is, 16 year olds lie, I understand that and I am realistic about their underdeveloped brains! I'm just wondering how to manage it for the next couple of years. Just talk to him about it each time it happens? Take action ie not driving him around? I definitely don't want to have an arguement each time - trying hard to maintain a good relationship with him.