New Sister for Teenaged Boys

[AbiBanbury]

So I have two stepsons, 13 & 14 and I'm expecting my first (a girl) in April. I am fortunate in that they are both excited and not resenting it (which is why I'm posting here as well as in the stepfamily section). They even both wanted a sister which is great.

However, I'm conscious that their Dad always paints an unrealistically rosy picture about everything and know that they're going to struggle with certain aspects of having a baby sibling. Has anyone else experienced a large age gap between siblings? Any pearls of wisdom on how to approach it? I had a few questions from them the last time they were staying about whether she'd be a tomboy (they assumed she would be because she'd have brothers) and whether it would mean Dad would be tired and grouchy (he has been recently because of stress at work)!!! I explained that both of us probably would be for a while but know that my answer probably didn't get the message home enough.

I want to sit down with them nearer to the birth and go through a warts and all on new babies and how this one will potentially affect them (crying, having a fairly rigid schedule that we'll have to work around etc). Their mum is a great mum but does give up everything for them (beyond what is totally reasonable), and they're a similar age with similar interests so are not used to having to consider anyone else apart from themselves. I can foresee that if we say, no they can't do that thing they wanted to because on this occasion (obviously, it's give and take in both directions), it won't work baby-wise, that they're just going to assume its us being unreasonable - and even worse, start resenting their sister. I'm so eager for them to know that all children will be treated equally and the last thing I want them to feel is pushed out. However, I also know that babies have demands that have to be met and they're used to weekends where their needs are the only consideration. How do we balance that? Am I just going to have to accept that the transition will be rocky or is there something I can do to help them with it? Have any of you experienced challenges with older sibs when a new one comes along? Are there any books out there that deal with exactly this aimed at kids? Or any educational videos, websites out there?

[Faithope]

I'm not sure if this is any help but I have a Ds who is 16 and I have a 13 month old and another baby on the way. Ds didn't realise the impact or love he would feel towards his brother. I went into labour and he came to the hospital with oh and I armed with his iPod :) when he met his brother for the first time, I could see he was overwhelmed and didn't expect his brother to be how he as if this makes sense?
He loves him to bits, used to love helping bath him and hold him but the older and noisier he has got, he tends to run after him for 5 minutes and that's his lot. He hasn't expressed he feels pushed out. Oh tries to take him for 'male bonding time' without me and baby. Ds has said he misses sitting watching films with us (I would love to sit and watch a WHOLE film in one sitting lol) ds has also missed two years holidays because of baby. He is quite laid back and doesn't always says how he feels. So I have to watch him and see how he reacts.
It's hard and I'm not sure it's got any easier and with this baby due in 11 weeks it will be a whole lot harder. It scares me how different life is going to be with two under two. I don't know of any books that would help?

[MassaAttack]

You really, really don't need rigid routines with babies; I think when the boys are staying the baby will need to fit in with them more than them with her.

What kind of family thing you might do with the boys might you be unable to do with the baby? I can't think of anything, tbh

[bowbear]

I have a DD14 and DS4 and life can be quite tricky juggling the two. There are very few activities we can all do together so I am constantly trying to do things with them both so that neither feels left out. It has really affected DD relationship with her DSD which we are slowly trying to rebuild.

With the best will in the world you have to work around the youngest childs' routine - it's no good trying to go out for dinner with an overtired 2 yr old and with a 10yr age gap that we have there is no crossover in films they want to watch at the cinema, the list goes on. Sorry that I seem to be painting such a bleak picture, there are lots of positives too!! DD loves her little brother and can be really good with him - albeit on her terms and in short bursts. I have found that I end up splitting the days in half - something with DS in the morning and outing with DD in the afternoon.

The great thing is that your DSS are excited about the baby and I'm sure you will find a way to make it work. Good luck x

[MassaAttack]

I can see that difficulties could arise in a couple of years - 2 yos are less easy to bring along to everything. Cinema trips etc one parent will have to look after the baby whilst the other goes with the elder ones.

What would be thoroughly unreasonable and completely unnecessary though would be to curtail day trips on account of a baby's naptimes, for example.

[crje]

Ds 19-16-13
Dd is 5

They are super with her, it was very easy and many hands made light work.No need to sit down & coach them . They will learn on the job.

Mine did have to fit around baby for a bit but family's are supposed to compromise.

Things will change and trying to avoid that is futile . if they want a baby to be dragged out of bed so they can meet friends then they are brats and don't deserve the lift .

Im hoping it will also act as a great contaceptive for the boys

[AbiBanbury]

Thanks everyone! Some really helpful stuff here. It's really great to hear other people's experiences of it, good and bad. I know that I can't make it perfect for either. I think once I know what I'm doing with the baby, I won't need DH's help so much and we can split duties so that he can spend time with his DS's and I'll look after the baby. I'm sure there'll be teething problems but just got to face them when they arise, I guess! And I love the comment about contraceptive!! I was only talking to DSS's about that the other day (safe sex, I mean). I know having nieces and nephews when I was very young def put me off wanting my own before I was ready....;-)