birthday problem

[choochoomcgrew]

My dd is soon to be 17.
I won't let her have a house party, which is the only thing she wants to do.
My reasons for this are she has one last year and despite what I said about alcohol there was one puking in the garden, two in the bathroom, mess everywhere etc.
Also she's been to two parties recently where houses have been trashed. It ain't happening, fag burns in a non smokers house carpets, kids in the mother's bedroom? She won't entertain the idea of a party with no booze despite not drinking herself and oh yeah it's illegal.
She only has a small group of friends but wants a massive party where you invite "everyone". the whole thing is ridiculous.
Anyway, because I won't let her (btw she lives with her dad!) she is point blank refusing to do anything for her birthday, won't let me make a fuss, cook dinner for her or come to an event we thought she'd like. Unless I let her have a party!
As I've made clear, no party - she won't compromise on the basics so no chance but how do I play it now? she's basically ignoring me, and it hurts so much to think I won't be able to celebrate my only daughters 17th.
She really is the definition of a teenager, I wish we could get on.

[headlesslambrini]

She isnt a child but very much behaving like one. I would offer her a nice meal out and if she refuses then she goes without. Horrible to do but really she is making the choice and having a strop instead. Dont let her get away with emotional blackmail otherwise she will do it again and again.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Of course you shouldn't let her have a party at home! For fucks sake the brat will be an adult shortly, she can't get away with that shit in the adult world.

Ignore it. But normal present, ignore tantrums. If she doesn't want to celebrate with you ignore it.

I totally understand why you're hurting but honestly you would do her a disservice if you pandered to this, she has to realise she doesn't get her ow way all the time and bullying people into it by stonewalling is horrible.

Compromises you might consider - do you have a shed/outbuilding you can use for the party? With a barbecue outside, even in the cold it's fun.
Could youhire a hall?

{{{hugs}}} for you - bloody teenagers

[choochoomcgrew]

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment and we decided that she has very much picked up the habits of emotional blackmail my ex (not her dad) which is not good.
She is being a brat, I'm just gonna stay tough.
No way can i afford to hire anywhere and unfortunately no big shed or similar!

[BackforGood]

I cant see why this needs to be a problem. Obviously you arent going to have the party. Youve offered other ways to celebrate. Shes turned them down. So that is the end.

You dont need to be persuading her to let to take her out - she's being rude and demanding and needs to know thats not the way to get things

[choochoomcgrew]

It isn't a problem as such - no party end of.
I just hate the bad feeling between us but I'm too sensitive, this is her strop not mine.
I think she does know she's being unreasonable, she's not constantly going on about it or anything just when we try and talk it comes up.
I hear they become human again around 25?

[chocoluvva]

Aww. I sympathise - I hate when there's bad feeling too. I'd cook her favourite meal and a special cake and get her a nice present and she'll most likely enjoy it despite herself when the time comes.