DD 17 moved out

[choochoomcgrew]

Please be gentle.
She is sixth form 17 as in just started.
She has moved in with her dad. Citing my mood swings as the reason she hates me and will never live with me again.
My mood swings? Well, yes I can be emotional. I do have high standards re: trashing my house, bringing all her friends in, not helping with chores etc.
We just cant get on. She has sent me an awful message tonight stating the above (the mood swings bit) - she moved out about 2 months ago.
She only contacts me for money or if her dad wont let her do something.
Yesterday I took her out and spent a fortune on new stuff for her beautifully new decorated bedroom at my house.
I dont know how bad my moods are? I work 8-5 5 days a week in an extremely demanding job, single mum, one child young primary age, one a teenager. I dont sleep very well because Im always worrying about her.
Ive recently been put under a huge amount of pressure trying to secure a new mortgage after ex partner tried to mess everything up for me.
Everything in my life is a struggle, nothing at all is easy - I suppose I am unhappy a lot of the time but I try not to be, I have good friends and family and we see them a lot, do stuff together.

Any advice at all? Even just for me? I feel like Im losing her.

[Halfling]

She is at an age when she would've moved out sooner or later for the university. Don't beat yourself up over it. Don't let your communication break down. Meet here regularly and stay involved.

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree with Halfling. And I'll add that if she chooses to live with her dad, he is now responsible for her. I wouldn't give her money (beyond a bit of pocket money) and if she complained to me about her dad's rules I'd remind her it was her choice to leave.

[ImperialBlether]

You have had an awful time. In your position I would go up to the doctor's and speak to him/her about depression. I was in your position (though my daughter didn't leave home) and found on one occasion ADs and on another occasion betablockers really helped me. I didn't take them for long (beta blockers for just one month, but they stopped that huge adrenaline rush of panic) - they really helped me.

It's not a bad thing to have a safe place for your child to go to if things are bad. Be kind to her but don't tolerate any crap. Be kind to yourself, too; you're having a tough time.

[choochoomcgrew]

Do you know what, there is so much more going on at the moment. I'm just dealing with it all, with no help but we've had family ill health news, a death, and a few more things. She knows about this stuff but doesn't seem to affected by it which is standard for ateenager iguess.
I'm going to take a sleeping tablet now but think i will see a Dr and think about anti depressants - she might be right about me.
Thanks guys.

[ImperialBlether]

I'm not saying she might be right about you. She is thinking of herself, not you. I'm just saying that having troublesome teenagers can be one of the most stressful things in the world and no wonder you are struggling. I'm so glad that period in my life is over. Hope you sleep well.

[AcrossthePond55]

It sounds as if you are under massive stress from more than just a teenage daughter! A visit to the GP is definitely in order!

[Solo]

Are you menopause age OP? I only ask because I became the bitch from hell when mine started and being a LP, it was my Dc's that 'got it' in the eye. It's hard to deal with everything and hormones on top. I hope you feel better soon and that your Dd comes round too.

[DancingDinosaur]

It will be ok in the end. Your dd is establishing her independence. Its tough. But theres no reason why you shouldn't have a great relationship in the years to come. These children are a worry, it never turns out as you want it to be. But it will be ok in the end. Just try to keep talking.

[choochoomcgrew]

I hope not, I'm 35!
I've slept ok. I'm off work towards the end of the week so I'll go to the doctors then.

I was horrible to the other children when I got in last night, so she definitely has a point. I'm going to really try to address that as i don't ever want them to feel this way.

Better get to work

[choochoomcgrew]

Evening helpful people.
I have really thought about how I react to things today and made a special effort when I came home to be nice to the other kids didnt complain about the dishwasher being done - we've had a lovely (though still stressful for me) evening. I have just this minute sat down though and am still not finished for the night. I know all mums are in this situation - I think its the longer hours at work, I used to finish at 3ish.
Had a terrible day at work, have had really bad cramps since I got in - but Im really trying to think positively.
I am definitely seeing a Dr this week. My head is all over the place.
When I think what she says about MY mood swings, I think about HERS. The tantrums over boys, housework, me, pretty much anything. The strops when I ask whats wrong - "I am allowed to be moody god I hate you you dont understand what its like".
The effect she has on her siblings :( who creep around her.
It aint a pretty situation here at all - Im just clinging desperately to the things people say about it all being better when she is older.
I am so sad about all of this. We used to be so close and people would say they envied our relationship. Its just a whole pile of crap right now.

[SoloSaysHALLOhowsyaWEEN]

Choo have you had your thyroid checked? when I was (just) pg with Dd, my thyroid became hyperactive and I was soooo stressed out and aggressive! which just wasn't me. But I've also become like that since starting (and finishing) the menopause. Might be worth getting checked out.

[LeftHandedMouse]

Similar situation here. After a few instances of locking her out so she had to go to her day's, and her choosing to go there instead of coming home late, her mum eventually told her she wasn't to come back and to have a long hard think.

She stayed away for about two days.

Since then the option to go to her day's which she used to use as a threat has now become a weapon for us because she knows we mean it and she knows life at her day's is no better.

There's no boyfriend involved is there? We're finding that influence a little difficult to manage.

On your own health front, I have found counselling helped as the issues were seriously damaging mine and DP's relationship. Aside from the problem shared is a problem halved thing I found a) that I wasn't mad or unreasonable and b) ways of coping.

On, and if she was helping you spend the fortune on her bedroom, some part of her still wants to be at home with you. Maybe if you explained just how much you have to do, and how helpful and supportive she could be by doing a few simple things you could move your relationship on?