New Teen in House. Please Help!!

[Lindi3108]

Hello to all. I am new on the forum. I please need advice and lots of it.
Two weeks ago my DH niece whom is 17 moved in with us. She is from England and did not do her last year of school due to depression.
I only found out last week that she was self harming as well. She seems to be better, and is not on medication any more.
She now lives with us and will be in the future. (We are in RSA)
My worry is that she has no drive, does not know what she wants to do. Sits on her computer all day, sleep very late in the day, eats. When something is planned for a day it takes ages to get her going.
I would like to help her get more focus, active and with a bit of a plan in mind with what she would like to do with her life. But at the same time I realise that because of her depression we need to be careful as to how we come across and since our child is only 2 we have no idea as too what we should really be expecting from her.
Bottom line is she does not want to go back to school, her Mom ok'd this. She moved in with us. But seems have no further idea of what she wants to do and seems to be happy to just sit in her room unless she goes out with one of the family members.
Am I expecting too much? Please parents of teenagers help. All advice will be appreciated.

[TranquilityofSolitude]

Funnily enough, I am contemplating being in a similar position, but I already have 2 teens (different gender, though), so I am hoping it will be easier. I've been thinking about how it might work.

In your position I'd be looking for a way to get your niece to meet other teens. This will help her to get away from the computer, and, if you're lucky, their talk of what they're doing will inspire your niece to think about what she'd like to do next. Does she have any interests that you could encourage? Do you belong to anything (like a church, for example) where there are other teens she could meet?

Good luck, and thank you for the thread, which I'll be watching for anything I can glean!

[ChillySundays]

What are her parents and your niece expecting from her moving in with you? Are they expecting her to suddenly change and know what she wants? Or are they moving the problems to a different country and dumping everything in your lap?
It will be more difficult because you are not used to teenagers (rest assured a lot do sit on the computer all da and not much else!). Tranquility has some good ideas.
If she is not particularly responsive perhaps try talking to her parents.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

Is she there to help you with childcare etc?

I'd maybe be giving her some responsibilities in the house to either support you with housework or childcare - maybe once she was in a routine of doing things, looking to do something (college/job) outside the house wouldn't feel like such an enormous hurdle?

[Lindi3108]

Thank you so much for your feedback. Yes I was slightly annoyed that we were not told the extend of her depression. It is what is is now and I don't want to make her feel like I am upset with her. She has always wanted to come to South Africa so I think they suggested it because at the moment she has no future prospects at home.
No she is not here to help with childcare.
She is a lovely girl and I hope that we can steer her in the right direction, I am just scared that we handle it all wrong.
She does go out when invited with family, other than us. But on a day to day basis there is no drive at all.
Would I be unreasonable to ask her to get up in the morning when the rest of the household gets up?
Would it be unreasonable to ask her to clean her own room and do her own washing? We have a full time domestic worker but I feel that it may be good for her to take responsibility for herself?

[DwellsUndertheSink]

absolutely! As a minimum, she needs to get up and get dressed and clean her room. Id also insist that she does some job hunting or some career investigations, Volunteering would be good.

I think Id also set a time limit on her stay with you without contributions .....why have her folks sent her to you....she has no qualifcations, no job, no prospects if she has no connections in SA. She presumably does not speak any of the National language other than English, so that limits her job prospects - even bar work would require bilingual eng/afrikaans.

She will not get into university without a matric or equivalent. As a foreigner, she will be paying international student rates. So what exactly do they think she will achieve - a nice time in the sunshine until she is 18 and they are no longer responsible for her?

I think you need to sit young lady down and explain that SA is not a welfare state, that there is no dole to fall back on, and that she needs to decide on a career path and start to investigate how she might achieve that in SA or back in the UK.

[Lindi3108]

I went and had lunch with my DH today. And we have come to an agreement to chat to her tonight. She will be going into work with my DH and do whatever she is asked to do for 3 days of the week. He owns his own business and although there is not really a position for her there they will try to create something for her to do to just give her exposure. The other 2 days she can stay home and help me with bits and bobs with my business as well as do her own washing and spring clean her room. Weekends she can do as she pleases. I think this is a good start and hope that she takes this direction and gets moving.


We will also ask her what she thinks her long term plan is. What she wants to achieve from coming to us etc. Hopefully give her some food for thought.

Thank you for all the input.

[letmelego]

We brought my DH's DN to live with us when he was 12 (he is now 16).

I think I might take up the issue of school with her parents. Either they want you to look after her or they don't - if they do, then you get to make these decisions, not them. I'm not sure how the land lies in your case, but our DN was refusing school when he came to us and we said the only rule that could never be broken was he had to go to school, bottom line. Non-negotiable.

If that isn't appropriate here then I agree you should take it very gently as her self-esteem may be low. Is there anything at all that motivates her? Try and find something, and use it as an incentive.

[Lindi3108]

Argh!!! We had a friendly chat with her last night. Told her we expect her to get up early. Etc etc etc. First day in and it is lunch time and I have not seen her yet.

She agreed that what we asked was within reason and she was happy to comply. Now she is still in her room, this time with the door closed which is normally open. Is she sending me/us a message?

[DwellsUndertheSink]

Lindi, is she up and about today? if not, then this weekend, I would suggest that she goes back to blighty as if she is just going to sit in her room moping she may as well do it in her own home. either she shapes up and engages, or she goes home. Id let your rellies know that this is the plan as they seem to have shifted all responsibility for her onto you.

Then get her to sit down and make a list of what she needs to accomplish - finish her education, get a drivers licence, get a job, meet some your people by eg starting volunteering or starting a course or joining a youth group.

She sounds very depressed still, but you cannot fix this - only she can. ANd to get any help in SA she needs a job and an income - remind her that there is no NHS and everything needs to be paid for in SA. counsellors, anti-depressants etc. - and maybe remind her that you will not be the ones paying? ALso, education is not free there, so what does she intend to do in terms of a career, in a country full to the brim of unqualified, unskilled individuals needing work? And with positive discrimination in force?

Does she understand the brutal realities of living in SA? Or is it just the land of braais and sunshine to her still?

I think after 2-3 weeks of moping, she needs to start her life. Even if its baby steps, she has to show you some progress towards her goals every day. so get her to investigate how she gets a provisional license. How much driving lessons will cost. How much a driving test will cost. How much insurance will cost once she is qualified...give her some bite sized questions for each day to force her to look at things.

Id also switch off wifi at 10pm every night, so that she cannot sit moping on the laptop until the small hours.

[Lindi3108]

Phew Dwellsunderthesink. I am feeling completely overwhelmed here. She stayed in her room with door closed yesterday. Only came out last night. This morning she was meant to go to work with my husband but told him she is not up to it. So sitting in her room behind closed door.
I am trying to get her to a Dr here that can see her and access the situation.
I am so angry that we were not informed of the extend of her depression. I am feeling so overwhelmed by this. It is not a case of sending her back, we are in South Africa her parents are in England. And I don't want to reject her, I feel sorry for her to some extend. It seems both her parents have let her down terribly as a child. And I kind of feel that what we do can make or break her.
But at the same time I want to give her a kick in the rear end and say wake up life is passing you by!!!

[LastingLight]

I think having her assessed is a good start as how you handle her will depend on how ill she is. Be careful of making a list of things for her to achieve - this may feel so overwhelming that she won't even try to do any of them.

Did her parents give you any indication of what they are hoping to achieve by sending her to SA? I hope they are at least contributing financially, especially if she is going to need medical care.

[Lindi3108]

Nope no contribution. They were hoping that she finds a job, do babysitting for the family etc.

We asked her the other night that she must take responsibility for her room, clean it ones a week and do her own washing and go into work with my husband 3 days a week. It seems this was the trigger to her withdrawing. But seriously if she can't do that then why the heck did she come?

We asked her if that was reasonable of us to ask her that, and she said yes. It was a friendly chat, not a we are laying down the law kind of chat.

[DwellsUndertheSink]

lindi, you have drawn a very short straw, but I dont know that SA is the right place for her, unless you are rolling in cash and can afford counselling and she can go on your medical insurance - presumably not, if its a pre-existing condition?

Does she have insurance at least, in case of medical emergency? If not, Id be screaming blue murder down the phone to your rellies. They have really done the dirty with you.

While I think cozy chats are lovely, I do think you need to set some deadlines for things, because if the child is seriously that ill, then she needs specialist help, and unlike the UK, that does not come cheap.

Also, be careful that she is not out of the UK for so long that she is no longer eligible for free healthcare - otherwise, you may find yourself with a very expensive albatross around your necks.

In the short term, did she bring her medications with her? If not, Id get her to the GP ASAP so that she can start treatment as ADs take some time to start working. You also need to have a strategy in place if she refuses to take them.

Finally...you have your own family to take care of and they must come first. Its lovely that you are helping your niece, but she is nearly a grown woman, and you have young children to take care of, so you do need to do what is best for your whole family. That may mean being really tough with her, especially if there is any risk of your children eg seeing her self harming or being around if God forbid, she tries to kill herself.

[ChillySundays]

I am so angry on you behalf that you have been dumped with a problem basically. Sending her back will not help and I know she is depressed but she needs to do something. If she did one day week it would be something
Has she a SA passport or work permit? Will it be easy to get a job. How is she going to be able to contribute on babysitting money? That won't be enough for personal money
Do you think the trip was put to her as a holiday rather than having to do anything?
You need to have another chat and ask why if she said it was reasonable she has done nothing.
I know I am older but if I was staying in someone's house I would be offering to help

[Riverland]

Slowly slowly catchee monkey.

Always give teenagers what looks like a choice.

Don't overwhelm a fragile person.

Tell her you'd like her to participate in your plans, two days per week, and she is completely free to choose how many days, and which days.

Her own choice. Baby steps. Period of adjustment allowed, faltering and failing expected and forgiven.

[Riverland]

Meant to say 'two or three days'

[Lindi3108]

We have just been to the Dr and she will be seeing him once a week. Her mother will pay the bill for it.

And the Dr basically said that she is not suicidal or in a deep dark place. So it is ok to get her out of bed and expecting participation etc. And that we can expect arguments etc but he would prefer that too her retreating to her room. We need to break the bed habbit.

I am feeling better about it all. But I can see this is not going to be an easy road.

Thank heavens for having found this site, it helps hearing others opinions especially because teenagers is completely new to us.

[ChillySundays]

At least you know now that there is no need to pussy foot around her. Good luck and we are here if you need us.

Now you found us you will be on here because of you little one as well

[Lindi3108]

Thank you so much ChillySundays