15 year old dd lying

[spongebob5]

Can anyone advise me? Found out last night that my 15 year old dd, who was meant to be staying with a female school friend had actually caught a train to a city 50 miles away and was staying at her boyfriends house.

A bit of background : she told me she had starting seeing this boy about 6 weeks ago. Told me he was 17 & she had met him as he was a family friend of her school friend. Said that his mum lived in this city & his dad lived in our town. I am divorced from her dad & she & her sister spend Sundays with ex -h.

I was meant to meet the bf last weekend, but a family member is seriously I'll in hospital at the moment so it was put off.

I had a phone call from my ex -h at 9.30 last night saying that she wasn't staying at the friends house. He had called round to the friends as I had told him I was suspicious about her staying there. She has said she's staying over there a few times recently & hadn't asked if her friend could stay with us in return.

Anyway , the friend said she had gone to stay with this boy. I drove to the boys house( ex-h had got the postcode) & it turns out that she had stayed there 2 weeks ago too & he is 18! The mother said that he had told her dd was 16. She said she thought it was strange that dd hadn't wanted to give our phone number to her.

She has never been in trouble or done anything like this before, I'm so upset. It seems she's been playing me & ex-h off each other saying that she's doing one thing when she's doing something else.

[letmelego]

I think you have to take some time to be able to talk to her in a very calm way.

I wouldn't be too offended by her lying to you - of course this is not good, but it is a standard way teenagers have of getting to do what they want when they don't think they would be allowed otherwise. She may respond well to you explaining that now, just as she is about to be able to have more freedom, is the time when she needs to get your trust so she can expand her social life. By lying to you, she has delayed this whole process and will have to earn it back by communicating with you properly about what is going on in her life.

However, I would be very upset that she is presumably having sex with an 18 year old boy. I will freely admit that lots of people are much more relaxed about this but the age gap between 15 and 18 is too much and he may well have some power over her with his greater age. I would be texting the boy and letting him know that your daughter is underage and advising him to steer well clear. That said, you have met the boy's mother so presumably she will be having words to this effect. Did the mother seem reasonable?

[spongebob5]

Thanks for your reply. She is adamant that she hasn't had sex with him. But at the moment I'm not sure I believe anything she says.

I did say to the mother that she was a minor & he is an adult . She said he had 'just' turned 18. I am angry at dd for lying but also angry at the mother for allowing her to stay- even if she did think she was 16. I agree at 15, 3 years is too much of a gap. The mother did apologise but it didn't feel sincere.

I haven't got his number to text him. I have taken her phone & tablet off her but they are both password protected. She is staying with her dad tonight

[letmelego]

I'm sure she does still think of her technically adult son as a child, as he has just turned 18 but she is a bit daft if she thinks everyone else including the police will feel the same. It's very likely this relationship will have bitten the dust so you might not need to say any more about it.

Taking her phone and tablet is one thing, but at some stage you are going to have to give them back, so you need to open a channel of communication and set a plan for her to earn your trust back. I would emphasise how much easier and better things will be for both of your if she follows some basic rules.

I would try to lose the anger - it's not going to get you anywhere. I am quite a strict parent by today's standards but I think you are in danger of being a little to heavy-handed. Try and create a space in which your DD will open up as at this threshold age, you may push her away.

[spongebob5]

I don't feel angry anymore. Just upset at her lies. I know I'm in danger of pushing her away, I just want her to know that the trust I had in her is gone.

[letmelego]

Believe me, Spongebob I know how you feel, but you need to get the lies into context. It's not like if a friend or a partner lies to you - it's not as serious because their motivations are very different.

Just try now to build something positive. Don't make it some big, unsurmountable thing neither of you can face. She knows she has messed up, let her talk and build something new. Of course there will be consequences, but she needs to feel that it will be worth the struggle.

It is really not nearly so bad as you think it is.


^ this is worth remembering with teenagers.

[spongebob5]

Thank you she is with her dad tonight ( we have this terrible every other night arrangement- not my choice) I am going to speak to her properly tomorrow night & hopefully we can move on from there x