What to do with unruly 14.5 year old DSD

[failure7]

The past two years have been a nightmare with DSD and to be honest, she's always been difficult in the sense that whatever you ask/tell her to do, she does the opposite or point blank refuses. Found out she was self-harming July 2013, eventual referral to CAMHS and some sessions with them this year. This just made her behaviour worse...met likeminded others and decided to start hanging out with a 16 year old weed smoker, leading to her not coming home one night and police having to be called. We'd rang/text her phone constantly and she just ignored it, purposely turned it off or basically told us she's not coming home yet. This year has been the worst behaviour wise, starting with her allowing a boy (banned from our home) into our house while we out and taking photos of our 'private' belongings.

First I knew about it was a Facebook message from said boy posing with a personal item with caption 'look what I was doing while you weren't here'. A total invasion of privacy and I was really upset/angry that DSD rifled through our things and allowed this boy to do so. She really did not give a damn, she absolutely never takes responsibility for her actions, always blames everyone else and is rude and non-communicative on a daily basis. We've had issues with her online, abusing people, sexting and recording private family moments and posting them on god knows what sites.

She is a compulsive liar and even when caught out, remains adamant that she's done nothing wrong. We've grounded her, confiscated her phone, tried to reason with her, shouted/been angry etc. In return, grandparents bought her a phone behind our back (because they felt sorry for her!!! despite us telling them what she'd been up to and how dangerous her online behaviour was) which we didn't know about for 3 months so she was using it day and night , something we'd never allow. The phone isn't in her room after 8.30pm on school nights.

She doesn't ask to do things, she just does them. She struggles/refuses/argues about having to say 'please', 'thank you' 'hello' 'goodbye' on any given day. She's never got any homework then we find out differently, but the teachers are lying! She's now smoking, seeing a 16 year old lad, always at least 15 minutes late but usually a lot more when allowed out. Due to recent behaviour, and finding out that she is on a final warning at school due to bunking off (news to us until school told us on the third occasion!) and generally poor attitude, she was grounded and phone taken...again. Instead of trying to improve things, she stayed out from school and came in at what time she thinks is acceptable. She continued to do this a number of times. Confronting her with anything ends up with a tirade of abuse, walking off, door slamming, kicking her mother, kicking the door/walls. She thinks she's so mature but is completely the opposite. She can't deal with anything on an emotional level, and despite being academically clever, appears to be doing everything to ruin her future. Her attitude can basically be summed up in the following statement 'It's no wonder I bunk off school because you ground me and it's the only way to see my friends'!!!! Whatever.....

[lucydaniels4658]

How old is she?!

[musicalendorphins2]

I knew a girl the same, a year younger. She is ten years older now and worse. She didn't have a loving mom, or dad, behind her though. Your daughter has a mother who cares, so she is luckier.
Can you and she join something that can bring you together, volunteer at the animal shelter or something?