Are there any mums here with adult sons or daughters? I'd like to ask for your thoughts on this situation

[SerGregorClegane]

I'm 23 and am currently still living at home with my mum. I assume that most mums wouldn't be too chuffed to have their DS or DD still at home with them at 23, especially if they aren't contributing anything to the household finances. My mum is different though. She would be quite happy for me to stay at home with her indefinitely. She doesn't really have any friends or family except me, while I also have no one (as in friends, family or acquaintances) except my mum. We are practically tethered to each other. I'm very close to my mum, but it's starting to feel a bit weird to still be living at home. I feel nowhere near ready to move out though. I'm a Neet. I've never had a job (I also never went to college or uni), and I have no idea how the procedure for moving into a new place actually works. I just have a few questions I would like to ask you.

When your DS or DD got their first paid job, how did they manage it, assuming they had no previous experience? I also have no idea about interviews. I'm clueless about things such as how to present myself, what to wear and what to say, etc. I'm also not sure what someone is supposed to put on a cv if they've never previously been employed.

When DS or DD moved out, how was the transition for you and them? I get the impression that most people can't wait to move out. I don't feel that way. I think I'd end up missing my mum if I was living on my own.

A few people I've talked to online have said my mum might be doing me a disservice by not helping me learn important life skills. I don't want to be too harsh on her, but she isn't very bright. She isn't computer literate and struggles with writing and maths. I'm not sure she's equipped to offer worthwhile advice on a number of issues. I have no one else I can ask though. Does she sound like a bad mother?

[unweavedrainbow]

Do you currently claim JSA? If so, you should be able to get support from the Job Centre. How did you do at school? More importantly, what do you want to do with your life? At 23, you are still very young and could, theoretically, do pretty much anything

[murphys]

OP, what have you been doing since you left school?

Does your mum support you completely, do you pay any board money to her for food etc?

You could start with volunteering somewhere if you do not need an income at the moment. That will get you some experience of a working day, and you will meet new people which I think is important.

I do think you do have a lot of life skills to learn. I am sorry that your mum isn't able to help you with this.

You cannot live with your mum forever as you feel guilty about moving out one day. Your mum must know that this day will come one day, and she has to prepare for it as well.

[thenightsky]

My DS is your age (23) and living at home. He did quite well at school, went to good university, but became depressed and suicidal and had to give up in his 2nd year. I think he was pretty homesick to be honest. He doesn't have any friends to go out with, doesn't smoke, drink or like football or anything people his own age like (x-factor, big brother type rubbish).

Last autumn I managed to get him onto the bank staff for the local hospital and he got 3 days a week working in medical records, putting old files onto the electronic system and archiving. It was only short term, but it really did him loads of good mentally and has made him outgoing. The only problem is the work is on and off. Sometimes he has nothing for a month or so, which is when he starts to slip back and doesn't get out of bed till lunchtime, sits in his room on the computer all day, stops conversing with me etc. Currently he is doing 2 days a week, but this will finish when a new post is recruited into. I've tried to get him to apply for this new post, but he doesn't have the confidence.

Sorry... that was really rambly. I was trying to say I think it all comes down to self-confidence and feeling you CAN do things and you ARE good enough to be out there in paid employment, being a useful person.

[scandichick]

This blog is very good for advice about the professional world (and not just white collar jobs either): www.askamanager.org
Look out for questions from new graduates in particular; I think she's very good at spelling out the things you're expected to know without being told.
Volunteering sounds like a good idea, but don't rule out applying for jobs in your local McDonald's or in Argos for Christmas, and so on. You might get lucky! You don't have to do it for the rest of your career, but just getting a job, any job, will teach you so much. Then you can work out what you want to do long term.

[SunshineAndShadows]

Out if interest what have you been doing since you left school? It's great that you've realised that you can't live at home forever but I think a lot of employers would be concerned about the professional and social skills of some one who has spent the last 5-7 years at home with their mum doing nothing (I'm not saying that is the case!)

[nequidnimis]

I don't think it matters that you're still living at home at 23, but I do think it really really matters that you are financially dependent on your mother and that you don't have any life at all beyond your relationship with her.

Whether you are claiming any benefits or not I think you need to walk into your nearest job centre and tell them what you've told us - you won't be the first and you won't be the last. They will be able to explain your entitlements, help you to prepare a cv, guide you through the application process and talk to you about any suitable jobs.

It is a great time for seasonal jobs in retail as they're all recruiting Christmas staff, but in your position I would take anything, even a Saturday job. If that fails initially then I agree with everyone who has suggested volunteering, just ask in any charity shop if you can't think of anything else.

The fact that you haven't done anything for 5-7 years (if I've understood that correctly) is something that needs to be addressed, and I'm wondering whether you could've been a carer to your mum or travelling.

You sound articulate and determined to make some changes, so I hope it all works out for you. How awful if, decades from now, your mum passes away and you are left alone in her house without the skills or confidence to get your own life.

[Dragonfly71]

Sergregor, you sound like a warm intelligent person, so I don't think your mum is a bad mother! You have a close relationship and that's good, it sounds as though you are a big help to her. Voluntary work is a really good idea to build your confidence, something to put on your cv too. There is usually a volunteer centre in most towns, maybe look it up online? They will help you find something you'd like to do. And the local job centre may be able to help with cv etc. If your mum is claiming benefits though maybe get some advice from CAB before you start claiming as it may effect household income. Actually the CAB may be a good place to start to find out what local agencies can help you get into work or maybe even go back to education. Also you could consider doing an apprenticeship, they aren't just for school leavers. Good luck, I think it's really positive that you want to make changes. You sound like a very capable person, with the right advice you'll go far. Don't worry about doing everything at once, you can move out when you feel ready. Maybe getting out more will pave the way for when you do leave. Plenty of 23 yr olds still live at home these days. Good luck!

[HampshireBoy]

I don't think it matters that you're still living at home at 23, but I do think it really really matters that you are financially dependent on your mother and that you don't have any life at all beyond your relationship with her.

I agree, it is very common for people in their twenties to still live at home but you need to start to build your own life. The suggestion to get out and volunteer is a good one, if nothing else it will enable you to meet more people and add structure to your day. Once you have built confidence through this you can then think about paid employment and eventually living independently.

Unfortunately I have met a number of people in their fifties whom have never left home, with their parents old and infirm or dying they have found they are lacking in life skills and friends.