DD 14 has no friends

[tara49]

My DD of 14 doesn't have any friends. She spends all of her time in her room alone, i'm forever checking facebook to see if girls in her class are socialising -which they are, but she's never part of it - she seems happy but it must hurt. she looks so uncomfortable when I tell her to invite friends home that I try not to say it now. She's quite insecure and not very academic but she is a very sweet girl and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. I spoke to a teacher recently who said she spends every lunchtime in the school library.
I know there's not much I can do - she does like drama but she's been a member of a sunday drama group for 2 years but still has never stayed afterwards with a friend or anything. My son's phone never stops but hers has never had a text!
I don't know why I'm posting this apart from to hope that someone will tell me that they had the same problem and it passed!
I was always out at her age giggleing with my friends and I feel that eventually she will get depressed.

[sunbathe]

She may be happy with her own company.
She's an introvert and you're an extrovert?

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Is this something new, or has she always not had friends?

DD1 doesn't do school friends, never has, bar one geeky boy she shares a love of Doctor Who etc with.

She's dyslexic and social skills are not her forte. She doesn't know how to play the friends game and has learnt not to care, too much.

However, if your DD not having friends isn't how she normally is I'd worry and want to talk to school.

[tara49]

Weird - Elephants, she's always been similar I suppose, but when younger had playdates arranged by me so not noticeable.
I say Weird because she also is Dyslexic and struggles with social skills (a bit clumsy - no sense of cool) and is totally obsessed with Dr Who!
I'm sure she'd like a friend though, I don't think it's choice, but she has learned to cope.

[Fanjango]

If it helps I had no friends at this age. A year later and I was having the time if my life. She may prefer her own company right now, I know I hated the girls at school at her age. They were into boys and pop music and I just wasn't. She may blossom soon. Girls change as they get older, your dd may suddenly get friends who accept her for who she is. Until they get more mature many kids want everyone to be desperate to conform, if dd doesn't fit their mould then she just has to wait for then to grow up. Being true to yourself is an asset when you get older.

[shadypines]

Hi Tara, I can understand your worries, my DD and DS have never had many friends.

You say she seems happy, so, if she really is then all well and good, this is her personality and she must be allowed to be who she wants to be. She sounds lovely by the way. Does she speak about school much and the different characters, does she like anyone? It is good that she is doing the drama class and persevering with an interest. It may be that she just has to grow up a bit and gain some self confidence, there is so much pressure to conform isn't there and to be made to feel odd if you are seen to be on your own. Perhaps speak to school again, is there a pastoral team, could she get involved with any lunchtime clubs?

Try not to show your anxiety too much, certainly give some gentle encouragement that friends are welcome to your house etc but do not press it too much.

And re the Facebook thing, if I were you I would be glad she's not involved with all that, the stuff I hear/read makes my skin crawl.

[titchy]

No advice I'm afraid but could she find a pen friend?

[eltsihT]

I had no friends at school. I hung out in the library. But I had friends (who I didn't hang out with outside the groups we attended) at Girls brigade, youth fellowship, youth theatre, young naturalists.

I left school at 17 and now have some fab friends I met at uni who have been my friends for 15years and I wouldn't be without them.

I would take the lead from her and encourage her to go and meet people at other places. She has probably just not met people on the same wavelength as her

[VivaLeBeaver]

My dd sounds a bit like your dd. she hasn't got a best friend but does hang round with three other girls a bit, I do think she's the outsider of the group though.

She's found closer friends online through Minecraft servers.

Does the school not have a sci fi club? Could she talk to a teacher about setting one up?

[tara49]

Thanks all - I think that more outside clubs might indeed be the answer - even if she doesn't bring friends home, at least she'll be busy.
She would love a Sci-fi club, I'll get her to ask
I'll just keep an eye and hope she'll find her place.
I genuinely thought that the toddler stage was the tricky bit - I had no idea.
Thanks for the support x

[RaRaSkirtsForever]

Well, she sounds very much like my DD2 who was diagnosed with dyspraxia at 8 and last month was also diagnosed with Aspergers. It was no surprise to me whatsoever.

If you look on Youtube there are lots of Teenage girls with Aspergers information videos, it can be quite different for everyone and to some extent everyone is unique.

It may not be, it could be social anxiety or stress due to the dyslexia as I bet she has to work really hard at school to get the results that others achieve a lot easier or with no effort.

I would be pushing for a referral to a Childrens Unit (or whatever your local area calls such a unit). If only to put your mind at rest.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Yes my DD has friends outside school from Rangers. Others, who like her, would rather be hiking across hills and discussing quantum physics rather than pop music and boys.

During GCSE's it certainly got better. DD1 still doesn't bring friends home or hang about with her peers outside school, but I hear names of people she's chattered to and worked with in class.

She's just started Sixth Form and I suspect (and hope) it will continue in this vein.

The effect of dyslexia on making friends is very hard to explain in a few words here, but it started at nursery and goes right to the core of who she (and I are).

Somehow we don't pick up subtle social cues, as well as muddling names, faces and who said what. Other DCs pick up on this and choose to be friends with someone else. At two/three they are not being mean it just happens.

Along side this runs the fact we don't pick up and therefore don't care what our peers think

Teacher asks a question, DD1 puts her hand up.

My non dyslexic DD2 scans the room, sees if anyone else knows the answer and then puts her hand up if someone else does.

Likewise, DD1 wouldn't pick up social cues from adults and was brash, loud in in their face, but as most adults are more tolerant of children's foibles, she still found them easier than her peers.

Again generally DCs are a bit shy with adults and this makes them uncomfortable too.

Finally her peers (and teachers) can't put her in a neat academic box, because she's really clever to talk to, but her hand writing and spelling are awful. Not having neat work consciously or subconsciously sets her apart from the girls who should be her friends too.

Me having similar difficulties, not being local and not finding it easy to make friends with the village mums didn't help either.

[tara49]

No, she's not anxious, I do wonder if she's aspergers though. Even when she was 3 at ballet and so on, the class would skip one wasy and she would leap the other! All her reports are the same - "Lovely girl, but dreamy, can't focus, forgetful"
I'm going to look up aspergers. Thanks