15yo dd and her 17 yo boyfriend. Sleepovers?

[CalamityClara]

Dd is 15.9 (she's my pfb) and her boyfriend is 17. He's a really nice boy, I like him a lot and he obviously is besotted with dd. they have a lovely relationship. He's always there for her.

He asked if dd could sleep at his house. His mum would be there and dd would be in the spare room.

What the hell do I do. Dd is very sensible, I've always been open with her about sex, contraception etc. But now it's come to it I'm freaking terrified, I feel like locking her away forever.

Do I just have to accept she's probably going to have sex at some point or do I try to stop her? Is she old enough? I have no idea what I'm doing here.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

How well do you know his parents? Id call ahead and speak to the mum just to check she is ok, that they have a spare room and check she is appreciative of the fact that you dont wsnt them sharing a room.

[CalamityClara]

Luckily I know his Mum from school. We are actually already friends on Facebook so I can talk to her and make sure everything is above board.

Thanks for replying

[rainbowinmyroom]

No. I had plenty of sex with no sleepovers. She is still underage.

[Haggisfish]

I would make sure she has/knows where to get contraception. I think you have to accept she will have sex soon-think about the consequences of that sex that you would like to avoid possibly, and talk to her about that?

[Haggisfish]

Sorry-missed her age on op! I still think she will have sex sooner rather than later.

[Siarie]

Just give her all the information and decent contraception then let her live her life. It's going to happen somewhere and it probably won't be while she is sleeping over if it's so heavily controlled but somewhere more awkward if you make it difficult. Honestly we have all been teenagers, if they want to do something they will do and all you can do is provide all the info you can.

[CalamityClara]

Thank you all. Good advice. I know she's still not 16 and I hope with all my heart that she doesn't have sex yet but I have to face up to the fact that it's a possibility. I want her to know how to keep herself well, and not pregnant!

I wish I could turn her back into a little girl!

[stonecircle]

My 15 year old ds has had a couple of sleepovers at his 15 year old gf's house. He's slept in her room and she's slept in her brother's room. Heavily policed by her mum.

They're both almost 16. I feel I'm going through the motions but know there's not really anything I can do to prevent it if they are determined to have sex.

[HalfWayHome]

At that age, I allowed this if in was for a party with a lot of other people around (we had had lots of talks about comtraceptives etc.) Both are having counselling though, and on meds which makes sex unlikely.

We talked quite a bit about what would happen when DD turned 16. I explained all my reasons for her not to, but that it is her choice. They still have to respect our homes, our space, and help out and be friendly and helpful. It is so good to see them both happy. Yes, it might not last, it might affect university choices, but they have to make those choices and only they can make these decisions.

DD has recently been to the doctor to go through contraceptive options and is now on the Pill. She knows it isn't what I want for her, but I haven't got into any 'shaming' kind of language. I've asked her to be respectful around younger sister, and not expect her to do the same.

[specialsubject]

if they want to shag they will. They'll just wait until his mum is asleep.

all you can do is remind her of the law, make sure she really understands about contraception (pill down throat, not in packet, condom in the right place, withdrawal doesn't work, etc etc etc) and also that if she doesn't want sex, she doesn't have to have it.

[Hulababy]

If parents are there and it is a spare room, then I see no problem. Even less so as you know his mum to speak to.

As others say, if she is going to have sex then she will. It is less likely to happen on a sleepover with his parents in the house and her in a separate room for the night.

Make sure she is up to date with information about contraception and keeping safe, not feeling pressured or as if it is expected and emphasis the law regarding underage sex especially in regards to what it can potential mean for her boyfriend. Also reiterate that the natural consequence of sex is a real live baby - hence the need to be doubly sure she is using contraception.

[Explored]

In your situation I know I would feel exactly the same as you OP but as we're talking about your DD and not mine then I guess it's better that it's with a lovely lad who's besotted with her, in a safe comfortable place than the way it happens for most youngsters.

[Redbat]

Explored is right. There are are worse situations.

Speak to the Mum and stress separate rooms, however, they'll do whatever they're going to do. They'll have sex on your sofa when you pop out to Tescos if they really want to.

The problem is not the boy or the relationship or where, it's her age.

If it were me, I'd have a chat with your daughter and try to encourage her to wait until she is sixteen. Tell her that it is her choice and that, of course, you'll love, support and not judge her - whatever she chooses to do - but that you would prefer her to wait until she is sixteen. I'd tell her that we all lose our virginity at some point and one day she will look back on this and and if she can say that her first experience was in a relationship with a lovely boy who she adored and who treated her well then she can be pleased and proud. Add that "and he loved me enough to wait until I was over the age of consent" sounds a lot nicer then "but I was only fifteen at the time".

[ImperialBlether]

The thing that seemed to work for my daughter was talking to her about the consequences of getting pregnant. It seems there was such scope for ruining her life. If she got pregnant and had the baby adopted, it would have affected her terribly. Yes, she could have carried on with her life afterwards, but she'd seen enough programmes on tv to know that life wouldn't be guilt-free. She could have an abortion - I knew and she knew that she would really struggle with this, especially if she was in a loving relationship. It's also very likely that she and the boyfriend would respond very differently to an abortion and that would cause problems, too. Or she could keep the baby and the rest of her life would be different to how she imagined it. Yes, she could still go to university, but she couldn't live in halls with other 18 year olds and live a carefree life. She couldn't really have a gap year running around the world. Everything would be different.

I think what young people often (not always by a long shot) don't realise is the consequences of unprotected sex. Where people of my age had parents who would be furious, that was a good enough contraceptive. It's different now. She is the one whose life would be different; it would affect everyone else to far less an extent.

I would speak to her calmly and say that she should wait until she's sixteen but then she should go (if she's ready then) to a family planning centre and get herself sorted out so that pregnancy isn't going to happen. Speak to her as an adult and ask her what she thinks the consequences of a pregnancy would be.

[Takver]

My dd is 12, so much younger, but from a different perspective, I had sleepovers at my b/f's house all the time when we were both 15 / 16 as I lived in a remote village & he was in town, and never had sex (in fact didn't until I was 18 & about to leave home).

Looking back, whether parents allowed sleepovers didn't have any correlation with whether my friends around that age had sex or not - in fact I think the very thought of parents in the house likely to 'pop in just to see everything is ok' at any point would have put off the most enthusiastic teen . . . (I had to sleep on the sofa downstairs, and b/fs parents definitely did quite a bit of random wandering around in the night at least the first few times )