18yo daughter is pregnant

(88 Posts)
Reeling14 Fri 29-Aug-14 09:58:18

My 18yo daughter who lives at home with me is accidentally 9 weeks pregnant after only just leaving school and starting a very good apprenticeship with a swim school/health club. She just forgot her pill for a weekend. She also wants to have the baby and move her boyfriend into my house and whilst I tolerate him staying over every weekend and one weeknight I am not keen on living with him full-time. I find him really boring and he makes very little effort to relate to me. I have reacted badly to the news saying that she should terminate and decide to get pregnant when she has started earning money and has moved into her own home so that they can provide for a child. I know that I have caused her a lot of pain with my disappointment and anger but I have said that I would always support her and never kick her out. However I am struggling with the idea of him moving in. He has almost finished his apprenticeship and should earn fairly decent money soon. She wants to stay at home for the support I can give her as we are very close but insists that he has to move in too. I am sad and depressed at all of this and not handling it well. I feel as if I have only just got back a little freedom from mothering and really wanted a couple of years relaxed living with her before she went off to uni.

Sunna Fri 29-Aug-14 10:03:11

I'd say no to him moving in as well.

You can't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. What are her alternatives? Could she move into his home? Or would the council house her.

She has to be shown the realities of her situation.

NewEraNewMindset Fri 29-Aug-14 10:06:10

I tend to agree that she can't railroad you into letting him live with you too. If she wants to have the baby, and 18 is certainly mature enough to cope IMO as it was fairly common place for girls to marry at 16 and be pregnant by 18 in my grandmother's time.

How about you see what's out that in regard to social housing?

tribpot Fri 29-Aug-14 10:07:05

Wow. I can certainly understand your feelings.

Personally I would say flat-out no to her plans. If she wants to have a baby it's time for her to move out and make a family home of her own with her partner. You are not obliged to help (and will it be 'help?') raise your grandchild, you're certainly not obliged to have someone else living in your house.

I would stick to what you've said - you won't actually throw her out (although you may need to say that you are doing so so she qualifies for social housing?) but her partner cannot move in. It's your home - she's old enough to set up her own and make her own rules.

She wants to stay at home for the support I can give her

I'll bet she bloody does. But that's now how life works - this is her baby, her responsibility. You get to choose how much support you offer, that's the job of being a grandparent and not a parent smile

I don't think the pregnancy was accidental - she forgot her pill for two days and forgot about the morning after pill too? It's not what I would want for a child of mine either but I know from Mumsnet there are many excellent parents who got started very young. This doesn't prevent her from going to uni and moving on with her life, but it doesn't prevent you from moving on with yours either.

mosaicone Fri 29-Aug-14 10:07:23

my 16 yo did a pregnancy test last week, thankfully negative but scared the hell out of me.

I'm sorry but she's taking the piss. Whilst I would also keep her at home, no way, no no no no can't express enough way would I move the boyfriend in!
Now, I was a mum by 18, pregnant at 17, I moved out, my partner worked and we managed. people can and do. It would be non negotiable for me, she can stay, but no boyfriend, or they move out.
Congratulations, I guess I can only say what my dad said to me " it's a baby, how can I be upset?".
if only that baby wasn't so horrible nowsad

Reeling14 Fri 29-Aug-14 10:09:48

I really don't want to lose her though, I'm so upset. We are so close and I dote on her.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Fri 29-Aug-14 10:14:00

Stand your ground.

He does not have to move in, she wants him to move in, you don't. Her wants are not more important than yours, yours come first because it is your home, she has more choices than you. She can choose to stay home with you or she can choose to move out to be with him - you have no choice but to stay.

I'd be livid with her, no pill (for a weekend, or more) and no morning after pill? This isn't an accident, it's a choice.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Fri 29-Aug-14 10:15:48

You wont lose her.

She is banking on you worrying about that to essentially blackmail you into letting him move in. Don't do it, you will regret it. This is YOUR home, you don't want him there 24/7.

tribpot Fri 29-Aug-14 10:16:01

Why would you lose her? She has to leave home at some point, she's 18 now. Your relationship will change as she becomes older anyway, but I suspect is more likely to become strained if you compromise and allow the partner to move in to your house.

I don't think you'll lose her just over standing firm and saying her boyfriend can't move in. Maybe temporarily but not long-term.

Purpleflamingos Fri 29-Aug-14 10:16:49

You have to set your rules and then give her the options. Let her know you love her and will support her. You will not be an on hand babysitter so she can still live like an 18yr old if she chooses to be a mum.
My 16 yr old became a father earlier this year. He did not know his ex was pregnant.

LatteLoverLovesLattes Fri 29-Aug-14 10:18:23

Look at it this way.

If he moves in you will all be unhappy, this is much more likely to damage your relationship than just saying NO to him moving in.

If she chooses to move out you will be a bit sad at first, but go on to have a better relationship with her than if you were all unhappily living together - and she has 'home' to come back to if things don't work out with her boyfriend. You have your home.

ilovemonstersinc Fri 29-Aug-14 10:31:34

Not read the full thread. Someone did say on mn theres plenty of excellent parents who started young.
I would like to think immone of them grin

I fell pregnant at 17, got married and had ds1 at 18. And then ds2 and ds3 is now 10days old and im 22.
I think the most important thing is support.I had to live wwithout dh as he wasnt in this country. We then moved into my mums loft. I got lots of support from my family and my husband. We now have our own house.

just wanted to let you know its not all doom and gloom.

Mumtobeyorkshire Fri 29-Aug-14 10:31:48

I don't disagree with any of the posters above. There is definitely an element of blackmail on your daughter's side and she needs to be flexible as she is the one who made the 'mistake'.

However...

I know several women who were convinced to have a termination by their parents (when they themselves wanted to keep the baby) who regret their decision every day for the rest of their lives. (My MIL is one example)

Your daughter is probably feeling scared and vulnerable. Being pregnant myself has actually brought me so much closer to my mother. Could you perhaps leave the 'tough love' and boundary setting until later? At the nomen she probably just needs all the love and support she can get!

As she is only 9 weeks, you have plenty of time to make a decision on the boyfriend's living situation. Could you express your concerns to your daughter calmly and rationally and see if you can come to some sort of arrangement? Or maybe trial him staying a few nights a week during the pregnancy to see how everyone copes?

I really empathise with your situation, it must be terribly confusing and stressful but please remember that nothing can replace a Mother's love and support (especially when you are going to become a mother yourself.)

Good luck and please keep us informed x

SweetsForMySweet Fri 29-Aug-14 10:45:15

I wouldn't let the bf move in either. If he does, there's no incentive for them to stand on their own feet and get a place of their own. You won't lose your dd over this,she'll sulk,possibly throw a wobbler but she needs to accept that it's your house, she and her bf
were very irresponsible and while you will be supportive, this is their baby& ultimately their responsibility. The bf is not your problem. She can live with you on the condition that they save for the baby&a place to live. If you let him move in it's only a matter of time before you'll be the one raising the baby&providing full time free-cheap child care. You'd want to stick to limited stay overs as well in case he 'merges' and ends up never going home. Time for your dd to wake up and become a responsible adult, probably a bit sooner than you had thought/hoped but her baby is depending on her. She'll need to go to her gp&take folic acid/vitamins. Give yourself time to get used to it, you'll experience a lot of emotions so it'll take time to process.

ZenNudist Fri 29-Aug-14 11:05:19

I agree with the sensible advice not to let bf move in. Also if your dd stays will you not end up doing more than your fair share of childcare? Encouraging them to get a place and getting the bf to take responsibility to support her would be better for your relationship with your dd and give her and her bf the space to build their family life properly.

pieceoftoast Fri 29-Aug-14 11:11:31

Is the boyfriend currently living at home? Is he 18 too? Most 18 year old boys aren't particularly mature and if he hasn't had experience of living away from his parents, you are likely to end up being a mother to not only your DD and her baby but the boyfriend, too. I would not want to wash his clothes, feed him - if he's grown up enough to get your DD pregnant and decide to keep the baby, he is old enough to look after himself AND the both of them (DD and baby - DD obviously being an equal partner in terms of running home/bringing up baby).

It sounds as though neither of them are accepting the reality of what this means.

It would be very convenient for them to live with you and be taken care of, babysitter on hand 24/7, but if you're unhappy with that scenario you can't let DD guilt you into it.

Of course lend support, but I think you'll have to make it clear that if she wants to have a baby, she will need to change her ideas about what the reality will look like, and start planning finances etc to get their own place.

What do boyfriend's parents think (if indeed he lives with them)?

rainbowinmyroom Fri 29-Aug-14 11:13:13

Stick to your guns, no boyfriend moving in. You can support her without that happening.

murphys Fri 29-Aug-14 11:21:23

I think you do need you need to step back a bit OP. She is 18, so no longer a young child. She does need to take responsibility for her actions. She is on the pill, but forgot to take it. Surely she must realize that she was at risk of falling pregnant.

I am sure you are very upset, any parent would be.

Please reconsider letting her bf move in. If she insists she should be living with him, then they must make arrangements for such. Either to his parents, or their own home.

I agree, you have raised your daughter, you have a little freedom now to do what you want to do. That is not selfish.

Will she still be able to continue with her apprenticeship after she has had the baby?

Reeling14 Fri 29-Aug-14 11:22:16

So, there are also reasons why I feel really bad about turning him away
1) his mum died of cancer when he was a young teenager and his family life has been really sad so he feels isolated and rejected by his dad's current family
2) his lack of communication with me is in part due to his extreme shyness and inability to relate easily to people
3) him not being around will mean that my daughter will have lots more to do and will be much more reliant on me
4) will it split them up?
I'm not sure that they would even have this baby if they didn't have my safety net, as they seem to be pushing me for a quick answer, but I don't want to be responsible for making them terminate, even though I think it is the more responsible thing to do
I feel as though I have been put into an impossible situation.

rainbowinmyroom Fri 29-Aug-14 11:28:38

The two of them have done a very adult thing. They must take responsibility for it.

You move him in and you will have three children: Your DD, the boyfriend and their child.

Reeling14 Fri 29-Aug-14 11:28:59

By the way I am so grateful for all the replies on here. I really need support and guidance right now as my emotions are ranging from anger, depression, sadness to 'get a grip' and 'get on with it'. I'm a single mum so don't have a partner to be here with me, although I live very close to my mum who is very supportive emotionally.

Reeling14 Fri 29-Aug-14 11:29:52

She finds out about the apprenticeship next week when she chats to her boss

cupofsneeze Fri 29-Aug-14 11:32:10

Can you not sit down with them both and help them draw up a plan of how they are going to live independently taking into account their finances and any benefits they may be entitled to.

Then state what you are willing to do to help/support them getting to the agreed end goals on their plan.

NorksEnormous Fri 29-Aug-14 11:33:20

Stand your ground and say No to the boyfriend moving in- I was a bit older than your daughter (20) when I fell pregnant unexpectedly and was still living at home. My mum told me that I had to get my own place to live to raise the child- she had done her bit of raising babies. At the time I took it as she was throwing me out, but looking back now it was the best thing she could have done, it gave me and my partner the kick up the arse we needed to step up to the mark for that baby. If I had stayed there I think I would have relied on her too much.

Fast forward 6 years and I'm married to my partner, we have two children now and my mum is my absolute best friend who absolutely dotes on her grandchildren, we go to see her 4/5 times a week.

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