Help -13yo DS smoking weed I think

(34 Posts)
Boysandme Thu 28-Aug-14 16:26:43

I have just found texts on my 13yo DS's phone which talk about being stoned. He is going into yr 9 now and has a mixture of friends some from his year but many two years older as he is very good friends with our next door neighbour who is going into yr 11 ( they have pretty much grown up like brothers).

I am absolutely gutted and have no idea what to do. I also found texts (by him) about him being a piece of shit compared to friends and that he's grateful to have them. He clearly has very low self esteem but doesn't really talk to us. He keeps very much to himself.

He is going away this weekend with DH and a group of scouts including young leaders in their mid 20s that he looks up to so may be a chance for someone to have chat but what and who?

I don't know where to start really. My gut says ground him forever but that is extreme. My aim is to stop him rather than punish him. We have family members who work in mental health dealing with the consequences of cannabis use so well aware of the downsides.

Any ideas? (He is currently unaware that I have seen the texts)

Boysandme Thu 28-Aug-14 16:27:38

I am out with the dc at the moment so will be checking on and off but not constantly. Thanks in savants for any replies.

R4roger Thu 28-Aug-14 16:28:37

never good to do evesdropping. same applies to reading texts.
firstly i wouldnt have thought he would actually get stoned. do you think he does?

scouts wouldnt get stoned, i dont think

Boysandme Thu 28-Aug-14 16:49:45

Scouts is a totally separate part of his life, that he keeps quiet from the more trendy ones. He is leaving next month.

With regard to eavesdropping, he knows I have the right to read his texts, I don't do it often but surely for his own welfare I can do so occasionally?

I don't think he actually gets completely stoned, no but he has had a few sleepovers with mates so can't be sure.

I just need advice on how to try and stop this in it's tracks please.

Claybury Thu 28-Aug-14 18:02:45

Scouts wouldn't get stoned ? Really ? I know first hand that is not necessarily the case.
Sadly this is the age a lot of teens start smoking weed. Mine did. At least you are now aware and try to educate him.
Are you close to any of his friends' parents?

R4roger Thu 28-Aug-14 18:22:56

bribary?
no smoking til you are 18 and I will pay you X amount ?

andmyunpopularopionis Thu 28-Aug-14 18:31:45

DH went to scouts to get stoned... So so much for that theory...

I would say to him listen no problem with you getting stoned when your brain is fully developed but the truth is that cannabis impacts brain development therefore it will be a problem and cause you issues at school and later in life.

R4roger Thu 28-Aug-14 18:49:38

asked DD who is 14 and she was shock about scouts smoking weed. unbelievable.
then, otoh, she did say a few people in her year had professed to smoking weed.
perhaps times they are a changing

Boysandme Thu 28-Aug-14 18:52:35

Thanks all.

We don't know the involved friend's parents. DH has spoken to the mum once on the phone. The boy (15) seems a nice lad from what I know of him, we have had him to sleep over a few times. Parents not very involved with him by all accounts.

Haven't shown DH the texts yet as not had a chance, won't do until about 10pm as I am out for the evening and kids around now. Want to have a proper chat rather than a rushed one, DH knows the gist of it though.

I think maybe medical evidence showing how he will impact his brain development may be the way to go. He knows this though as family members work in mental health and deal regularly with the impact of prolonged use, and it has already been discussed.

I could cope with this better if he was a bit older, 13 just seems so young.

Boysandme Thu 28-Aug-14 18:54:00

Cross posted R4roger.

DS goes to the nicer of the two secondaries in the town and one in his class even brought vodka to sports day in yr8 last year. The teenage world is quite different to my sheltered upbringing sad.

R4roger Thu 28-Aug-14 19:00:14

i guess they are just trying things out op. experimenting. I let my dd have occasional alcohol but am not particularly happy bout it, though I had cider at 14, so double standards there.
and the weed, I am sure you are doing the right thing - 13 seems so young to me as well

R4roger Thu 28-Aug-14 19:02:03

a good mantra that I have read many times on here is, keep the communication lines open

it is more preferable that they tell you stuff isnt it, so good luck with that conversation.

Anotherchapter Thu 28-Aug-14 19:02:36

Actually I'd be gong mad at this and I did when it as my dd1.

I would absolutely ground him but I would choose that time to talk with him extensively about what's going on in his head. Why he feels so shit, why he needs to smoke this, is he doing it to make him self feel better,is it because his older friends are doing it.

My cousin has just give up weed after being on it for 30 years. His teeth are a mess, he has never held a job down and he really struggled but he did it. He said he feels like he has just woken up.

You might get people come on and say, "oh most teenagers try it, it never did me any harm" but for those people it catches on to it can cause a lot of damage.

I wouldn't let him hang around with the other lads and I'd invest his time in something else that can build self esteem and focus on good health. Yes he is a teenager but he is still classed as a child and needs your guidance and help right now.

TeaAndALemonTart Thu 28-Aug-14 19:05:30

Some teenagers around here call being drunk stoned - no idea why because it always meant drugs in my day.

They also say wasted. Not much advice but think the medical stuff sounds like a good idea if he does mean weed.

AgaPanthers Thu 28-Aug-14 19:11:38

Much better off smoking weed than getting drunk tbh. Not that either is ideal

Ladycurd Thu 28-Aug-14 19:20:17

As my brother is schizophrenic due to cannabis use I say nip this in the bud now. Sort the MH issues as much as you can, try to support and explain why you find this so concerning. Keep channels of communication open, but cannabis is serious shit for a developing brain, so no I disagree smoking weed is less harmful than alcohol (though neither ideal)

I'd be grounding and coming down bloody hard. Rightly or wrongly!

Anotherchapter Thu 28-Aug-14 19:26:14

Much better off smoking weed than getting drunk tbh. Not that either is ideal

Why does that line get trotted out every time some one mentions weed? They are both as bad as each other for a child.

Anotherchapter Thu 28-Aug-14 19:26:54

Yes to lady

Sootball Thu 28-Aug-14 19:34:06

I belly laughed so hard when I read that scouts don't do weed our local weed supplier was in the scouts ans business from that group was pretty good!

And in fact I'm not sure I ever did a scout camp sober (drink and drugs), and that was 20 years ago so keep the lines of communication open and don't think one group is beyond dabbling.

In our group of six heavy smokers at 20 two went on to leave university with no degree or job and have never settled, I am doing a postgraduate degree but have struggled with MH issues ans the other three have various MH issues including paranoia ans memory issues. We thought dope was a laugh, safe and left us chilled out but I will try very hard to ensure my dc stay away from it as it's side effects are long term in my opinion.

Claybury Thu 28-Aug-14 19:43:27

Sootball- as the parent of a teenager who smokes weed ( which I abhor ) I find your numbers alarming. What do you call 'heavy ' and what age did you all start?
I have never smoked and my words fall on deaf ears to a 16 year old who thinks I have no idea what I am talking about.
He smokes socially , he cut down greatly for his GCSE 's ( which he took v seriously and did v well in ) - he won't drink which is great , but I hate the smoking.
I think it's mostly homegrown by mates, hence cheap and ( hopefully ) not too strong. He started when he was about 14 sad

Anotherchapter Thu 28-Aug-14 20:00:04

clay his 'mates' must be growing a lot to get a decent crop to support his usage. I wouldn't believe him on that.

Have you considered calling FRANK?

Claybury Thu 28-Aug-14 20:20:44

Another - as it's been an issue for us for a couple of years , yes I have called Frank, and Drugfam , he's been to the school drug counsellor, he's seen a psychiatrist to check there we no underlying issues ( there aren't ) - but you can't actually stop someone smoking if they choose to do it can you ?
He aspires to do well at school and after that , so all I can do is hope he grows out of it.
He's tried other stuff too btw, at raves and festivals. He's grown up in London where it is everywhere and normalised. ( to him)
He tried to grow some in his room. Didn't get v far though !

Fairywhitebear Thu 28-Aug-14 20:24:33

I'm dreading my babies becoming teenagers.

I'd go nuts personally. Not acceptable at all. Especially not at 13.

Claybury Thu 28-Aug-14 20:34:38

I have gone nuts. It didn't help at all ....

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