dd 16 coming home

[mosaicone]

Due to her work being closer to my parents house than mine, we started letting dd stay there at weekends (10 min walk vs 1 hr, terrible public transport). This was fine then parents moved abroad. Still let her as 29 yr old brother there.
All ok, but when she finished her exams it just crept up as she is working most days over the summer.
Cue her personality change, in 3 months she has become someone I don't recognise. She lies over ridiculous stuff, screams at me when caught out and, refuses to come home. Chain smokes, eats rarely and it's crap when she does etc.
I've begged her to come home but she has refused saying she wants to be alone, very depressed in a way but absolutely refuses to talk to anyone (dr, aunty, anyone) about it saying she's not "mental".
Did well in her exams but grades ranged from A-E so she's upset about that.
See her most days, she's just so vacant when I talk to her, I get nothing. She has no hobbies at all, no interests. She does see friends and go to work though.
Last night as I was going to bed I get a message saying she needs to get away, alone, she's not ok etc. She wishes to do this without a phone - she frequently goes out all day without one which sends me insane.
I think it all stems from her boyfriend breaking up with her, she isn't over it and they're still friends, but he drops her every time they arrange to meet, so she keeps all her time free just in case.

Anyway, in all these messages last night, she admitted she wants to move home and have me look after her again. It's all I've wanted for the past three months so I'm delighted and off to get her soon.
I'm dreading getting there and her changing her mind, I so want to repair the damage I've done by allowing this level of freedom she obviously wasn't ready for. I feel such an idiot but it just escalated and then she refused to come back, I could have forced her but I think things would be worse now, it's her decision to come home so hopefully she will be happier.

Just looking for some dos and don'ts really, I don't want to go wrong again :( I'm so scared of losing her, she really is so miserable. Lots of hugs and girl time I think, she has 2 brothers and my bfs children here 2 nights a week, she doesn't interact with his dd's at all and I'm not going to force it, hopefully it will come in time.

[twentyten]

Aww. Space. Chocolate. Favourite food. No pressure. She must be really hurting but she is still a child. Take cues from her.
Don't expect too much. For you.

[mosaicone]

I really try never to pressure or judge but she thinks I do. I'm Going to really watch what I say, she really flies off the handle at anything she deems a dig at her, which I honestly never do.
She's very like me in that way though, far too deep thinkers, I probably need some kind of cbt to help with negative thought processes.
All the women in our family have had depression issues of some kind :(

[twentyten]

It's tough- be kind to yourself too.good luck. It's not about you it's her stuff.

[CanISayOfHerFace]

Just wanted to say good luck. You sound like a lovely mum x

[Heyho111]

Don't ask questions or tell her what you think about the situation. Use statements like 'it's horrid when you feel down'. What your doing is acknowledging her situation but not forcing an opinion. It works. Don't say I've made your favourite dinner just make it and say nothing. Don't make it a big issue. Put a nice bubble bath by the bath. Just leave stuff about to make her feel homely. Hopefully she will start talking to you.
On the way home hand her the auxiliary lead (if you have one) to let her put her music on. This works with mine as it gives them a chance to zone out and relax.
Good luck. It's going to be like walking on egg shells.

[mosaicone]

Hey. Well night one done. No drama, I cooked us dinner, we watched dragons den and her and her brother were back to normal. She spent most of the evening on her phone, I bit my tongue but she left it downstairs when she went to bed (after me). She's camping tonight, I'm not overly happy but there's lots of her lovely friends going so it's fine.
Taking her to work now, will pick her up later and suggest going for a hot choc..... It totally like walking on egg shells!

[twentyten]

Well done. Be kind to yourself and keep it low key. Rant here! This will pass.

[Heyho111]

Fantastic. It's easier said than done to say nothing. There's a fab book. Get out my life but first take me and Alex into town. It's such a good insight into what they're thinking , why they're thinking it and how to react to it. It's so worth a read.
Keep us updated on how it's going.

[mathanxiety]

Will she have her own room when she comes home? I think this would be important.

[mosaicone]

Yeah shes got a beautiful room, decorated last year, new bed this year, really nicely done. And big, loads of space.
One night home (weds) then she went on work meal last night, then out with some friends - the boys were camping but the girls met them and then all went back to a house.
She left and I went to check on her brother, her room is next door so stuck my head in and she had left her straighteners on, on her bed and it was smoking, god knows what would have happened if I hadnt found them?!
Next she's lied about who she's meeting, it waasnt a big deal but she still lied? Then didnt get in touch with me all night, so I havent slept again, and all Ive had all morning (good going given the time!) is messages saying she wants to move out, how unwelcome she is here (she isnt) ALL we do is argue (dont leave straightners on, I admit I was upset, but my head was doing the omg we all could have died thing).
So back to square one, I literally cant say anything.
She knows Im going through hell trying to get paid this month, I have an obvious health issue they cant get to the bottom of, etc etc, I know teens are selfish but I wish she could see things from my side for once....

[mosaicone]

and her dad is coming to get her tonight.
I only feel relief at the moment, well heartbreak as well.
I'm reading that book as we speak, trying to understand her and why she hates me so much. It's hard, I have never felt such a failure in my life, and I've felt like a failure many times.
her dad says I treated her too grown up. She's nearly 17, I thought we could be grown up. I was wrong.

[Heyho111]

Please get the book I recommended it will help so much. Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town. You can get it on amazon.
She is swinging between being independant and being a child. The book describes why they do what they do. Why they react the way they do. It will give you stratagies to help you deal with her in a productive way rather than tip toeing around.
You will feel so much better after you read it.

[mosaicone]

I have the afternoon to myself, I will finish it

[twentyten]

Sending . It's tough but it will pass. Try not to take it personally. It's not all about you. She has so much going on. Take care of you.