Would you give in to this from your DD?!!(10 Posts)
YD (17) asked if could go out tonight with friends from part time job, all older than her, to pub and for meal, and could I be her taxi? I agreed (nice for her to mix etc, first time they have asked her) we were out at the time with her cousins at her play/farm place (£10 per person but worth it, plus icecreams etc) but I made an effort to get back in time and lent her a bit of cash to buy a meal (though she does work part time)
Duly took her to pub 10-15 min away, and dropped her off at around 6.15pm. She said she was tired and may not stay long. I returned home to make lasagne for her new (boy) friend who is due round for tea tomorrow.
At 9.15pm I got a text, then a call from her asking me to come and pick her up. She sounded panic-y and tearful on the phone and I asked if she was ok (thinking, oh dear, she feels left out/they are all being bitchy etc) She said yes and reiterated, come and pick me up , now, and sounded desparate. So, I jumped into the car and sped down there. Phone rang when I was nearly there but ignored it as was driving. Got there, she was standing outside with 3 lads, which at first glance I thought were from work, but then realised one was her (recently) ex boyfriend. (she finished with him although to be fair he had finished with her a month previously but then they got back together for another month, she now says it is definately over although he wants to get back with her..although he keeps bothering her she refuses to take him off facebook/block number, and she has started seeing someone, she says the new one is "just a friend"))
He walked off with his mates as I drove up, looking a bit upset. She got in the car, giggling, "Oh I'm tipsy, I've had 3 vodka and cokes"
We literally drove a few yards then she started to say, "NO, I've changed my mind, I don't want to leave , take me back!" I refused (she did this to me once before) So she spent the WHOLE journey screaming and yelling at me, trying to bully me into taking her back, and grabbing my arm, as I was driving,saying it was MY fault for not answering my phone when she phoned to say she had changed her mind.
We got home, she ERUPTED out of the car and slammed into the house and threatened to get a taxi back. She spent the next 10-15 minutes screaming at her dad and me, on transmit and in a total rage cos we wouldn't give in.
Was I wrong? She has made me, over the past very difficult year , doubt my abilities as a parent (she is the youngest of 3, age difference of 5 years between her and next one, and has been very challenging, to the point of me wanting to leave home because I feel I cannot cope with it all any more)
She is very manipulative and can be frighteningly aggressive, I now am worried about next week as am on my own with her and this doesn't bode well. Her dad says she is spoilt and immature and needs to learn her actions have consequences. As I type she is on the phone sounding off about us. She is very scarey when she gets in a temper and has thrown things, broken doors and scratched me down my face once. She flares very quickly at times, either because she has bottled stuff up, or because we have pressed a button, or because she thinks we are being unfair, controlling etc etc Or is she just being a typical teenager (we didn't have this with the others..not that they were angels but they weren't aggressive and bullying)
No, I wouldn't. I would have continued grimly driving home just like you did. And then I would be suspending the taxi service indefinitely. If she cannot be civil, she doesn't get ferried around.
Thank you so much , feel bit better. Have lost all my confidence in parenting ability.
It sounds like things are very difficult at the moment
Why did she sound so upset and desperate to come home? Have you asked her? All sounds very odd. I think you did the right thing.
You did exactly what I would have done OP.
I would also behaving a serious word about respect in the morning.
I would have done the exact same thing.
She should know at 17 that this is not acceptable behaviour. Would she behave like that in front of other people - i.e. not family?
You haven't lost your parenting ability - you've got a difficult child. That makes it much tougher. Thugs that will work with one child won't necessarily work with another.
<heartfelt observation based on experience>
Think was cos ex was there possibley, although when she said he was fine when I asked her when she got into car. i rushed down there cos she sounded like she was crying, or had been, and was very abrupt on phone. (not unusual, she isn't always very socially aware) She has since been SCREAMING down the phone at someone (prob him) saying they embarressed her etc. she is a bit prone to drama tbh and is very volatile. I have mentioned that perhaps it would be better all round if she didn't have him on f/book etc as I feel she is just tormenting him (we can still be friends....actually dear daughter, no I don't think you can at this time) He has phoned the house on a couple of occasions to see if we know where she is. I don't think her consumption of vodka helped (she tells me she is no light weight but she doesn't really drink...esp after was sick on vodka about six months ago..ex byfrnd bought a bottle, which 3 of them drank)
Think of a plan of action for when she sounds off. Become a broken record and stick to that plan and keep telling her the same thing. She will try a lot of things to manipulate the outcome to what she wants and unfortunately this may include becoming aggressive. Stick to your guns and no matter how much she tries, don't give in.
In a calm moment explain what the consequence will be if she overly argues a point or becomes aggressive. It could be lack of pocket money/ taxi service (whatever will make her stop and chose which way to behave).
Remain consistent and she will (at some point) stop being unreasonable.
You did well.
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