Would you expect your DD to pay for this herself?

(50 Posts)
Misfitless Wed 30-Jul-14 12:05:47

DD (almost 18yrs) has a job in which she earns at least £30 per week.

She's in full time education, so obviously pays no rent. She does bugger all housework, but that's another thread.

Anyway, she said to me the other day "Oh, we'll have to go shopping mum..I need a couple of new bikinis and some summer dresses for our holiday!"

Now we both know that what she meant was, mum, you need to buy me some dresses and bikinis.

I stupidly said "OK!" because I was taken off guard and was a bit shock to be honest.

Anyway, having looked at my finances, I really can't afford to buy her anything. One of my other DD's aged 6 has got almost no clothes...certainly not enough to last her the duration of our 8 day holiday, and I myself seriously need some.

I also need to buy sunhats for other 3 DCs (all under 9 years old), plus the usual sunscreen, sunglasses for me etc.

Would you wise parents of teenagers expect them to fund this themselves?

I certainly would never had the bare faced cheek to say that to my mum, nor did I have any such sense of entitlement at that (or any) age.

I know I only have myself to blame, but WWYD?

NickiFury Wed 30-Jul-14 12:07:09

Yes I would with finances as you describe. If I was ok for money then I would treat her but you're not and she has her own income.

Misfitless Wed 30-Jul-14 12:14:13

Thanks Nicki.

I would treat her if I could.

She was off to work when I tried to explain but she turned away with a very put-out face when I got to the "sorry, but I can't afford to buy you any bikinis or...!"

I can't stand her attitude, and am so annoyed with myself that I have let her grow up to think it's acceptable blush angry.

Misfitless Wed 30-Jul-14 12:15:49

I basically told her just before she went out to work because I wanted her to be aware before she spends any more money after work.

Vitalstatistix Wed 30-Jul-14 12:15:52

I would ask her "how much have you saved up for your clothes shopping and where would you like to go. I must say I am thrilled that you want to bring me when you do your shopping. It'll be nice for us to have some time together"

and sit back and enjoy grin

or probably just say look dear, I just want to make it clear so there is no misunderstanding, I will happily go shopping with you, it will be a nice day out, but I am not paying for your things, that is what your wages are for. So I hope you have saved up enough to get what you want.

Vitalstatistix Wed 30-Jul-14 12:16:50

oh, x post. forget that then. Just repeat that it is down to her to buy her own things with her money and you are unable to sub her right now.

Missunreasonable Wed 30-Jul-14 12:17:13

£30 a week isn't much, but it sounds like it is more than you have spare. Just tell her that she need to wear the stuff she already has or buy her own new stuff but you are happy to come along and give opinions when she is tryings in if she would like you to.
Your youngest one is growing and needs stuff more.

MorphineDreams Wed 30-Jul-14 12:17:28

No you shouldn't have to pay.

BlinkingHeck Wed 30-Jul-14 12:18:49

At that age with a similar sort of income (but 18 years ago) I would have bought my own things. And wouldn't invited my Mum just so she would pay hmm. But my Mum and Dad may also have given me some money towards shopping.
They were still getting family allowance though when I was sixth form.

AbsintheMakesTheHeart Wed 30-Jul-14 12:25:48

My Dd2 has a job, while her older sister (home from uni for the summer) doesn't. I feel I have to be careful not to end up making Dd2 feel like she's being punished for going out to work (in a job she hates) by not buying her anything and still forking out for Dd1. The way I usually get around it is by giving her a bit of cash to put towards her stuff, so she's not completely demotivated to keep working.

Sweetmotherfudger Wed 30-Jul-14 12:27:29

No way! We were expected to buy stuff like that ourselves x

morethanpotatoprints Wed 30-Jul-14 12:30:11

I agree that �30 isn't much if she has to buy everything out of it and I would have paid if I had the money.
As you don't have the money you can't do it and she will have to accept this.
Would your finances stretch to Primark bikini for her and the other dc would find their things cheap there too.
She will learn from this to save a little every week, even �1 per week would manage what she needs for an annual holiday.

RitaConnors Wed 30-Jul-14 12:30:11

I think £30 is quite a good amount of disposable income a week.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 30-Jul-14 12:31:59

Depends. As a family holiday if everyone needs a swimsuit, a pair of sunglasses, a sun hat and some sun screen then everyone would get. But itd be a case of going to Primark and them all getting one each to see them through the holiday.

If she has no swimwear and is being taken on a family holiday then a cheapy swimsuit/bikini is a necessary part of that.

However, I would say something along the lines of "I can sort a swimsuit each for each of you if you want to choose one, as Ill pop into Primark while were are out, but anythig over that you need to buy yourself".

Misfitless Wed 30-Jul-14 12:33:04

Thanks everyone.

I think £30, to spend on yourself every week is pretty good at that age, even if you do have to spend it on a couple of bikinis.

She already has plenty of clothes, by the way. She just wants new stuff!

Missunreasonable Wed 30-Jul-14 12:38:25

I think £30 can only be considered a lot based on what she needs to buy out of it.
If she has to pay for travel to and from work. Pay for haircuts. Pay for gym membership, mobile phone, going out with mates, shoes, trainers etc then it quickly gets eaten up.
I don't have £30 every week to spend as disposable income but as a teenager I did and it quickly got used up.
She should buy her own dresses and bikinis though as she has more money than you to buy them with.
Who has paid for the holiday?

BalloonSlayer Wed 30-Jul-14 12:39:23

Hmm depends.

If she NEEDs a new bikini because she has grown out of her old one, etc, then I think yes maybe I would pay for it. If she just want a new one because she doesn't want to wear last years, then no.

If money is tight, you need to prioritise actual needs, things that have run out (sunscreen) or been grown out of (small DCs clothes).

I'm interested in you needing sunglasses though - do you get a new pair every year? Do you really need a new pair? (disclaimer: I am an ex glasses wearer who now hates glasses so much I won't even wear sunglasses)

Notso Wed 30-Jul-14 12:44:28

I'm dreading the older teenage stuff with DD, I was buying maternity clothes and stuff for our 1st house at 18. I kind of forget most other teens are more dependant.
I would probably have made it clear she was expected to save for her own things. Do you usually buy her clothes for her?

Misfitless Wed 30-Jul-14 12:47:29

Was also bit hurt because I know that she wouldn't dream of asking me to go shopping unless I was expected to pay sad.

titchy Wed 30-Jul-14 12:57:05

Well I think £30 a week is lot of spending money! what is she expected to fund out of this?

DD (15) gets £4 a week pocket money (would be more but she contributes towards her phone contract), plus odd bits of babysitting money and has still managed to buy herself a new bikini, pair of shorts and two tops!

(she is also expected to fund her social life.)

My parents gave me an allowance of 80 pounds per month to cover everything (bus fares, lunches, socialisong, clothes) until I finished school, so they would have paid in effect, though not given me extra if I hadn't budgetted. I had summer jobs every year from age 14 onwards but lived so rurally it was logistically impossible to do a part time job in summer, and my father was against term time working while in full yime education anyway. I would not have taken my mum shopping, but my youngest sister did once she was 6th form age and used it exactly like your DD, as a way to get extra stuff paid for - I suspect its a normal scam grin

As your DD has everything she needs and your younger kids don't, plus money is tight and your eldest does have disposable income, YANBU not to sub her - you can't really can you, as it will leave your other kids without.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 30-Jul-14 12:58:02

So what are you going to do about it OP?

Floop Wed 30-Jul-14 13:18:22

At 18, I don't think it is unreasonable to say to her:

'DD, I'm sorry, but I've just had a look at our finances and I can't afford to buy you those clothes. I would if I could, but things are too tight.'

She would have to be really selfish not to accept that. Disappointment is to be expected though.

I would buy her something. Its not fair to buy the younger ones everything but nothing for her. She is working part time and whilst I agree that she should pay for a lot of stuff herself, £30 doesn't go very far these days. You can easily spend that on one trip to the cinema.

Agree a budget, there are plenty of sales on and even in shops like river island she can pick up a sun dress or bikini cheaply. if you're spending £40 on dd(6) then £20 for dd(18) which is enough for a bikini and pair of flipflops, or a good spend in h&m or Matalan.

ds1 is 17 and has a part time job, while at college and for the most part he buys his own clothes/lunches out/cinema etc, but when buying clothing for the holiday even though cash flow is a bit tight I still couldn't not buy him anything and brought him a couple of pairs of shorts and a few t-shirts, pants and socks. Even though his younger siblings needed kitting out fully, it just wouldn't sit right with me to buy him nothing. I'd buy him something at the expense of a new swimsuit/sun dress for myself or shorts for h.

ElephantsNeverForgive Wed 30-Jul-14 13:30:27

This is always an enormously difficult one, wants versus needs.

What comes out of pocket money/income and what do you blag out of DM.

It's a lot of why I haven't suggested my 16y gets a job.
Yes she'd like the money (but she doesn't need it) and it might be good for her, but we live in the middle of no where, is have to run her to work and collect her, DD2(13) would loose her company and resent DD1 having ££.

Also as the OP has found it doesn't really get round the being fair to both DCs problem.

Because DD1 is a strapping size 12 adult and DD2 is a slight size 6 (who can still get into kids stuff and looks good in Primarks best) clothes and shoes have for years not cost a fair amount. (DD1 has always had to pay VAT on senior school uniform, DD2 doesn't)

Thus basic needs don't cost the same and wants certainly don't. DD2 can spend £15 and get a whole outfit she looks great in, it buys DD1 1/2 a pair of jeans.

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