DS leaving but says he has no plans for our only DS12

[Thirdtimearound]

Marriage has ended as I am not in love and DH can't live with it and naturally he is very upset. He wants to move out and wants to announce this to our DS. I have said we need to do this together and at his age he doesn't need to know all the emotional stuff just don't want to fil his head with stuff he can't compute at that age. When I said what will you say for onward contact and future, he said he can't say right now, needs to sort himself out emotionally!

Now I'm thinking why hasn't he even processed what his future is with his son and can only come to two conclusions- he is 100% self absorbed selfish or he simply doesn't love him and has no connection with him (they never have really got on)

Any thoughts??? I just can't tell ds12 his world is changing and by the way your dad will get back to you sometime in the future for so called fun times and continue your relationship when he feels like it!!!

[Northernparent68]

I think you re being a bit harsh, maybe your husband needs time to adjust to being separated.

[LongTimeLurking]

I'm sure OP needs time to 'adjust' to being separated too, unfortunately?? she doesn't get to just put her relationship and responsibilities towards her child on hold while she does this.

He sounds completely self absorbed.

[nooka]

It sounds as if the ending might have been instigated by the OP telling her husband that she doesn't love him though. It's not unusual for relationship endings to take one party by surprise which means that while one partner has already made the adjustment after thinking about it for many months, even years the other has not, and yes may well need some time to think about next steps.

I might have all this very wrong of course, but seeing only two possibilities looks very black and white to me, whereas relationship endings often grey and muddled.

What to tell your children is also very difficult, especially when they are a bit older and need more complex answers. My dd is 13 and the very brief and simplistic explanation we gave her (and her older brother) at five when dh and I separated is not the conversation we would have now.

OP do you and your soon to be ex agree generally on parenting? Does he want to have the conversation about your break up with your son on his own and to include talking about why it's happened? Is he baulking mostly about the script you'd like ot use, or just opting out entirely?

[Thirdtimearound]

Strangely it was a shock to both. I had been depressed for years but hadn't realised why. He is quite a melancholic soul and everything is a problem. The long term 17 years took it's toll.
In one of his down moments he asked me if I loved him, I took time to think and it hit me that I love him and care for him but not in love with him.

This happened 4 months ago and we have been living seperately in the same house and st times discussing these issues. I was willing to continue as we were as let's face it it's the same il same old for me, I continue as I always have done and the same with our DS.

I was willing to continue for our boy and so there was little disruption for DH as he works at home mostly and of course financially for us both. Two house holds etc etc. he doesn't want to be here if I'm not in love with him.

He has had months to mull over plans but still no decision on DS. He goes over the same ground about how bad he feels.
He has a good job, bright healthy DS although a bit opinionated at times, he can't see any positive, it's all about how he is not sure if he can continue working, suicide, how will he live and cope alone. From where I'm sitting it's all about him.

I don't even know what I'm going to do, so busy consoling him. I haven't worked in 14 years and no real PC skills, let alone confidence. Certainly as an older mum in my early 50's I'm not sure many employers will be interested. He thinks he has problems!!!!

Sorry been a bit of a rant??

[ThistleDoMeNicely]

I think you re being a bit harsh, maybe your husband needs time to adjust to being separated.

That doesn't mean you get to absolve yourself of the responsibility you have to your children. That is the first thing that should be thought about IMHO, to do anything but it selfish.