advice pls -15 yr old DD, on hippy crack, drinking etc

[exasperatedemma]

My DD is going out every day meeting up with a whole random lot of friends (most of whom I have no idea who they are) - and I am freaked out because I found a 'cracker' in her bag (used to extract the nitrous/oxide gas), cigarettes and I know she is drinking because the effects are obvious when she comes back. (She was in a coma a few month ago from drinking a lot of vodka in a short space of time). She is very wilful and we are trying to give her some space without totally constraining her - she would just walk out the door anyway. It's a delicate balancing act because part of me thinks that at least she is fairly happy and not cutting herself anymore, or planning to commit suicide like she did last year. She has had some therapy and is in a better place now - is she just doing what a lot of kids do and finding her way?! god knows. On the plus side, she is letting me know roughly where she is and she is coming back roughly on time. I keep wavering between wanting to clamp down hard and say, 'right, you're not going out' to thinking, well, she's going to do it anyway regardless of what I say. Anyone who has kids the same age or older, please give me your experience and wisdom, thank you.

[Babushka01]

Hi Exasperatedemma
Snap
I have just found out my 15yr old is inhaling nitrous oxide, using a baking tool. Am gobsmacked, can't believe how stupid she is being. Has experimented with alcohol & weed, first instance when she was 12. Says it's safe as it only kills a couple of brain cells so what's my problem. Likewise to the random collection of 'friends', no idea who most of them are. I always want to blame he friends but I know she is no angel as it's her who has been buying the nitrous oxide.
I am torn between 'lockdown' & worrying if pushing her away as is already threatening to leave home. We had arranged for therapy on her request but she refused to go to it on the day.
I am stopping all access to money as I refuse to fund it, not sure how effective that would be. Have thought about moving her school but my sister is a secondary school teacher & she has convinced my not to move her as this is educational suicide as in the middle of a 2yr course. Thing I can't get over is that she doesn't try to hide it- what's my problem?

I can't underdNd how a beautiful girl who has everything going for her feels she needs to do this. Has gone from being a very active sporty popular girl to someone who spends her time with undesireables orsitting in her bedroom on her own, has no interests, sports unless you count watching Desperate Housewives on loop

Sorry I haven't got any answers but would welcome any

[exasperatedemma]

Hi Babushka01, I feel for you. Since I posted that, I have spoken to her - fortunately a rare moment occurred where we were able to talk without her putting a wall up! We talked about how it works and why you get the high from it (nitrogen replaces oxygen so its a bit like being asphyxiated) - she said she doesn't do it a lot and has since sold her 'cracker'!

Any change in their behaviour is a worry and its difficult not to become consumed by it (I speak from experience here, got myself very ill a few months ago with the constant worry and stress of trying to stop her harming herself). We did pull her out of her school last year as it was part of the problem and things are a lot better now, she also had some sessions with a psychotherapist who was brilliant - took me a long time to find a good one but it was very worth it. And she has helped her to see things differently.

I don't really give my DD any money unless its for essentials, or she earns it by doing washing up, ironing etc - she does have a little job though and like you, I kind of want to limit her access to money so that she can't spend it on stuff like this.

I still veer between 'total lockdown' and 'freedom' regularly, its sooo difficult to try and walk the middle path but you know your DD best and if she is anything like mine, yes, total lockdown would mean that she would walk out and stop communicating with me which is what I fear most. So I try and give her freedom with boundaries, that way she knows that when I say she can't do something, I mean it. Doesnt' always go smoothly of course!

Is there anyone like an auntie or one of your friends that she is close to that would be able to communicate with her? one of my friends texts my daughter regularly and that has helped, I appreciate that sometimes (most of the time!) she doesn't want to talk to me and at least that's someone I trust. Could she go and stay with anyone for a few days? Could you take her and some friends to the beach or something? sometimes it helps to just distract them if they'll allow it and a different environment can help take the intensity of being in their bedroom on social media all the time. I know that my DD is so much worse when she's been spending a lot of time on her phone, she gets overwhelmed with all the info/images/criticism coming at her.

It can be really difficult to get to the bottom of why they might be acting differently but my advice would be to just try and keep talking, or texting when they're out just to try and keep the lines of communication open. hope things get better for you x

[Babushka01]

Hi exasperatedemma
I am glad you have had a chance to talk, those moments are precious. I hear all your saying about finding the middle ground, I know in my heart that's the right way but I am just terrified that something is going to happen to her. I was ill myself last year and some of my family think that my DD is jyst kicking back but I don't know. DD had asked to stay with family which is several hours away,and is there now as school holidays, asked me not to contact her. I have respected this but it's killing me. I know she is safe while with my sister as her kids are just not into that scene and from what my sister says she thinks she is welcoming the break from her 'friends's and is talking freely about lifestyle. I am hoping her cousins will help her to see another way.

Thanks for advice & I hope all goes well with your DD

[exasperatedemma]

Hi Babushka01, I understand your worry. it's only in the last few months that my DH and I have been able to go out together without one of us staying at home to discreetly keep an eye on her. Its difficult not to become totally overwhelmed by the worry and you have to try and give yourself a break from thinking about her constantly - easier said than done I know. I got to the stage where I was on high alert all the time and so adrenalin and cortisol were constantly flooding my body and making me ill. Meditation apps on my phone have helped! just gives me 5 minutes sometimes to calm my breathing and get a bit of perspective. That's interesting that she's chosen to spend time away - I see that as a positive thing that she actually feels that she wants a break from the friends. A bit of time away in a different environment can work wonders - sometimes its what they need but they don't realise it. I would be upset too about not being in touch, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it's probably just that she wants to give herself some clear thinking space. I think I would just send her the odd text or picture, just short chatty ones about something you've seen or is funny etc. Just so she knows you're there but she doesn't feel under pressure to respond. Don't expect many texts back though! I think this is a positive step for her and I think she will be in a better place in her head when she gets back. Thank goodness she has that outlet. Good luck and it sounds like you are doing a great job - hang in there and it will get better. Take the opportunity to give your mind a break too while you know she's safe. x

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Hi Both
No real advice, sorry, but I am a good ten years ahead of where you are now and am here to tell you that all's not lost. My DD nearly drove me to an early grave for all kinds of reasons I don't want to put on a message board, but, she came through and turned her life around completely.

I don't know if I did the right thing by her, but my way was to stick by my own principles. To always be there for there but not unconditionally, so she always knew if her behaviour was acceptable or not and that the bad was never condoned by me.

It did help once I got myself to the realization that I couldn't influence or control what she decided to do, I could only be reactive rather than proactive like you are when they're little.

I think that was actually the biggest hurdle to be honest, accepting that things were outside of my control and not beating myself up because I couldn't fix all the wrongs and make her life how I wanted it to be.
Once you do accept that it kind of frees you up to think more clearly rather than be in panic mode. Does that make sense?

Wishing you both strength and the best of luck for you all

[Babushka01]

T

[Babushka01]

T

[Babushka01]

Thank you, I feel more positive after reading these posts. Given me lots to think of. Good luck to you both also :)

[exasperatedemma]

Hi enriquetheringbearinglizard, thank you for your wise words. Funny enough, someone very wise said something similar to me recently -she said that my DD has her own journey to go on. I'm still learning to accept that without feeling neglectful for not thinking about her constantly - now I've written that down it sounds a bit mad! but it's how it gets to me. I am actively trying to accept that I can't control what she does and only have partial influence - you're right, it does set you free a bit more for sure.

[Spidermama]

My dd is also 15, nearly 16 and I'm experiencing something very similar. She's been drunk and out of control several times and it doesn't seem to stop her even though she's upset about it afterwards. She's also had weed. Regularly.

I think you're right. We can't physically stop them. It seems to be very common. I don't think attempts to clamp down would be at all helpful. They'd just clam up and there'd be no channels of communication open at all.

I also have a 14 year old son who's at least as bad. It's a white knuckle ride and I'm not enjoying it.

I do like the book 'Get Out Of My Life...But First Take Me and Alex into Town'. It's got some good tips. Still, nothing prepared me for THIS.

[exasperatedemma]

spidermama, you're right, nothing on earth could have prepared us for the awful things that they come across and decide to try. It's incredibly hard to be totally overwhelmed with worry and panic all the time. I've read that book too and several others which do bolster my resolve for a while and help me to take a step back. Not always easy when you're in the middle of a situation.