What do you do when someone targets your friends

(21 Posts)
Runningforfun Sun 20-Jul-14 07:59:09

We have begun to notice that a certain girl in dd's class at school only makes friends with children dd gets friends with.

I should say dd has at the moment a wide circle of friends so it doesn't affect her as much as it used to but it is still damn annoying.

If there is a girl or boy dd spends time particularly with this girl or her mother will swoop in offering them holidays, days out etc. It usually ends either with the child feeling completely suffocated by the family or the child saying that they do not want to do what is planned and because the girl and her mother don't like this they then target who ever dd has made friends with next.

Dd is 15 and has a Saturday job with a boy who is in her class so have been hanging out together. This week the mum of this girl swoops in and asks him to go on holiday with them. Dd thinks it is hilarious but I actually think it is a little stalkerish.

I should add that after each new "friendship" ends this girl takes time off school because she is in floods of tears.

I know there is probably little that can be done but would love to know if there is a name for someone who does this sort of thing. Also other parents have started to notice and think it is quite odd.

PamBagnallsGotACollage Sun 20-Jul-14 08:14:18

The way this mother is enhancing is affecting her daughters life. Perhaps your DD and her friends could welcome her into their circle?

PamBagnallsGotACollage Sun 20-Jul-14 08:14:30

Enhancing?? Behaving!

Runningforfun Sun 20-Jul-14 09:05:15

The group is made up of 15+ girls and boys over different classes in the year and within that group there are pair, triples, 4 and 5's who are more like best friends, the girl is in the group but the way she behaves makes it harder and harder for her to have one single closer friend. Also most of the other mums have had falling outs with the mother as she has a habit of treating everyone as less than her.

As part of their work for one subject the classes were divided into groups where each group had to work together to produce a piece of work, each person being responsible for certain areas, it was not just about the finished product but the ability to work together. dd and one of dd's friends were working on a piece when this girl came back from being off sick for 3 weeks, (a whole other story). I won't go into too much detail but the mother and daughter took over as in the words of the mother her dd could do a much better job and despite protestations which the mother and daughter considered as being mean and bullying, the daughter ended up doing the lot. The mother then went into school and complained to the teacher about how her daughter had to do the lot and then, in school got hold of my dd and told her how all her work she had done was trash and how lazy she had been and how gratefull she should be for her dd doing it all.

Dd said the finished product was terrible.

Just an example of what we are dealing with.

3littlefrogs Sun 20-Jul-14 09:08:28

I think you have to let the school deal with it. It sounds as if this girl's mother has serious issues/problems and it is impacting on her daughter's life in a very negative way.

Runningforfun Sun 20-Jul-14 09:28:11

The school are aware of what is going and are dealing with it.

The teacher had seen the work dd and her friend had been working on so knew they had not been lazy and told my dd that she had nothing to worry about.

Runningforfun Sun 20-Jul-14 09:31:21

I am sure there is a name for the type of person who only takes friends from other people. I just wonder what happens when they start having serious relationships and this girl comes along to nick another girls boyfriend.

She has done this already to dd.

adeucalione Sun 20-Jul-14 10:56:06

This is one of those posts where I'd be really interested to hear the other side of the story.

It sounds like this girl is desperate for a best friend within the group but, possibly on the advice of her over-bearing mother, isn't making a very good job of it.

It is quite sad really, and suggests she is unhappy and insecure. She probably sees your DD with a nice friend and thinks 'I'd like to be his/her friend too' and then is disappointed when it doesn't work out.

But you can't steal a person, like property. When DD's best friend 'went off' with a new friend I told her that her best friend must have wanted to go.

If her efforts so far always fail, and your DD finds it amusing, then I guess there isn't really a problem is there?

Runningforfun Sun 20-Jul-14 12:00:31

The other mother is definitely a nightmare and she has upset so many of the other mums by the way she speaks to them. The mother and her daughter think they can say and do anything because they are better than everyone else.

She has had a go at me personally because of the way I dress and constantly sneers at the fact I buy my clothes from ebay or Primark where as she shops at Selfridges and John Lewis. I personally have no interest in clothes and she had a go at me because I turned up to a mums lunch with a hole in my t shirt and a tear in my jeans. They were clean and paid for and every other mum who was there knows what I am like so didn't bat an eyelid.

I have tried to ignore her and I know dd is made of stronger stuff than her dd. my dd does not collapse in tears at the drop of a hat and I have tried to make allowances for the culture shock, the family are from overseas and had a large house with servants where as in London the proceeds from their house will not buy them a 1 bed flat so they rent a tiny flat. But 4 years on they still treat everyone like their lackey and deride any "fault" they find out about.

adeucalione Sun 20-Jul-14 15:33:18

I don't think you need to preoccupy yourselves with them really. They don't sound like particularly nice people, other mothers and children don't like them, and your DD finds the whole thing hilarious.

I would avoid whenever possible, ignore bad behaviour and take any criticisms with humour and a pinch of salt; the only people they're hurting are themselves.

Runningforfun Tue 22-Jul-14 12:56:55

Adeucaline if only avoiding them was that simple. Took a call from dd this morning saying mother had cornered her outside school and had another go at her.
Dd told her to go and see the HT if she had a problem to which this woman told her she was a very rude girl.

Would love to avoid her but some things are not that simple

adeucalione Tue 22-Jul-14 16:52:21

Well I don't think it's acceptable for the mother to corner your DD at all.

She would serve her DD better by equipping her with the tools necessary to deal with disagreements herself, or asking the school to deal with it.

In those circumstances I think I would contact her and make it clear that approaching your DD directly is inappropriate.

Runningforfun Tue 22-Jul-14 16:57:19

I will probably see her tomorrow as they break up tomorrow and taking dd out for lunch.

Hate confrontation but it is probably the only thing I can do as she is taking no notice of any one else.

goshhhhhh Tue 22-Jul-14 16:59:32

I think I would contact the school & get them to talk to the mother about talking directly to your dc. I feel sorry for the girl. Her mother is suffocating her.

OorWullie Tue 22-Jul-14 17:11:19

If they break up tomorrow that at least will put some distamce between your daughter and hers, and the mother and you.

It doesn't sound like your DD has done anything hprrible or said anything mean to the other girl, sometimes people just are not compatible as friends and if the other girl is very overbearing and pushy the others in the group wont warm to her. Her mother needs to back off and let her make her own friends with who she drifts to naturally, not by targeting groups of existing friends and trying to split them up or bribe them.

I would leave it for now, as long as your DD isn't upset and teachers are already aware. If the issues continue and the mother insists on seeking out your DD when they return to school, I'd be requesting a meeting between you, the mother and whoever the appropriate teacher is.

Runningforfun Wed 23-Jul-14 17:00:37

Sorry completely lost it today. I know I shouldn't have but approached mother who denied actually talking to my child ever and couldn't understand why I had complained to the school she also told the HT i had come up to her and attacked her.

Runningforfun Thu 24-Jul-14 08:30:09

Told a friend who put me in touch with 2 other mums last night, both who have now left the school because of the abuse this woman threw at their children. Looks like I might have not been so out of order.

This woman actually had the gall to say that as she had bought my dd a pizza once then that gave her the right to speak to my dd anytime.

She also denied everything, even the stuff like seeing the teacher to complain about dd.

Not too sure what my next move will be but having spoken to these other mums we are pretty sure that we are not the only 3. It seems that there is a pattern of sustained abuse until the child leaves.

Runningforfun Thu 24-Jul-14 09:33:56

She also asks the children whether they are gay or straight!!!

Which will probably out me completely.

NotALondoner Thu 24-Jul-14 09:59:31

Tell her to piss off, complain in writing if she speaks to your dd at school - why is she allowed to wander around at all?

Runningforfun Thu 24-Jul-14 10:15:48

Thanks notalondoner, there is definitely going to be an email to HT.

Just completely threw me when she denied doing or saying everything and making out it was me that was the one out of order.

She is not allowed to wander around school but came in on a pretence the first time she had a go at dd. The second time dd was outside the school.

I think it is a case of everyone knows of an incident but no ones putting them all together.

Runningforfun Fri 25-Jul-14 13:46:11

Oorwoolie dd had 1 best friend but was not particularly close to any other group for some time. With hindsight we realise now that as soon as anyone started getting friendlier with dd and her bf then this girl and her mother would swoop in. This girl had loads of friends but this did not stop her trying to take dd's bf from her. Dds bf left the area at the end of term about 18months ago and dd went back to school with nobody to really talk to. Gradually she has got herself a circle of good friends but anyone dd gets on with particularly well with is then swooped on and offered holidays etc so they spend less and less time with dd.

It all ends in tears because the mum and daughter are so domineering

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