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Teenagers

DD (16) is killing me

14 replies

PennyPepper · 12/07/2014 15:16

She’s not spoilt, though she’d like to be, she is just ultra selfish and will do all she can to get away with anything, whilst caring not one jot for the needs, feelings or desires of anyone else.

She has flunked her exams due to lack of commitment (she’s not stupid, just lazy and behind) so is going in to her final year of school with the prospect of either failing completely or scraping through with grades that no half-decent university will look twice at.

She doesn’t lift a finger around the house unless nagged – so I nag all the time, as I am not her domestic servant. There is never any spontaneous help with anything.

She has stolen money and vouchers from me, and frequently flouts rules about not bringing cigarettes into the house (I have younger DC too).

She lies a lot. To me to try to get away with things, to her friends to show off.

She will only apologise for anything if it is pointed out to her that an apology is necessary, and even then only when she wants something.

It is exhausting being her mother, because I won’t be walked all over so I have to go on at her ALL the bloody time to do normal, reasonable things. And her behaviour is causing a lot of bad feeling in the family and upsetting younger DC.

I love her, of course, but at the moment I really don’t like her very much. I don't trust her at all.

What am I doing wrong?

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/07/2014 15:40

What consequences are there for bad behaviour - the stealing etc? And instead of nagging, have you tried saying'If you do not tidy your room/do your homework/wash up, I will take away your phone/not give you your allowance', and if so, how did that work?

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PennyPepper · 12/07/2014 16:09

There are always consequences - usually financial as that seems to be the only language she understands.

When I say nag, I mean I have to tell her every day to put her plate in dishwasher/feed her rabbit etc. She'll do it eventually, but often a lot later (having said "TWO MINUTES!" like I'm being unreasonable even asking her to come back to do something she should have done without being told) and often in very bad grace.

Once her phone is confiscated or she has no money, she will be nice for a bit. But it all starts again pretty soon.

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AskBasil · 12/07/2014 16:11

I think make the phone etc. something she has to earn every day - the default should be that she doesn't have it unless she earns it, rather than it being there unless she misbehaves.

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PennyPepper · 12/07/2014 16:32

You might be on to something there.

Confiscating her phone would create hassle for me as well as her (we often need to text during the day). But earning her allowance through good behaviour rather than losing it through bad behaviour would be a more positive way to go about things, maybe?

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dawndonnaagain · 14/07/2014 10:18

First of all, stop. Stop nagging, stop feeding, stop cleaning. Make her responsible for her own food, clean clothing, etc. Change the wifi password, daily. If she wants it, she has to do things in order to access the things for which YOU pay. Then limit her time. 15 minutes for washing up, 30 for washing and drying. An hour for doing her bedroom etc.
If she has no respect for you or your things, why should you continue to provide?

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BravePotato · 14/07/2014 11:19

That sounds a plan. Do it OP!

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Bumpsadaisie · 14/07/2014 11:33

No experience as mine are only 5 and 3 but have often wondered whether your "first teen" is really stressful in the way that your "first toddler" is, in the sense that you haven't trodden the road before and therefore you don't have the confidence that the teen/toddler will come out the other side and all will be well (if not quite as you imagined it would be!)

I'm much more relaxed in my youngest's toddlerhood, I know it won't be forever.

I know I am going to find it really hard when my eldest is in the teens....!

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PennyPepper · 14/07/2014 11:56

The wifi won't change much - she has 3G on her phone, I'd have to suspend that too.

But yes, I suppose I'll just have to start policing and putting a value on her every move. God it's exhausting. Sad

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PennyPepper · 14/07/2014 12:06

Bumps - in my case it's a killer combination of her being my oldest and having a very strong character, very unlike mine.

At one point I had DC3 in full toddler mode as well as DD1 in pre-teen showdown mode. DC3 was a breeze !

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Bumpsadaisie · 14/07/2014 12:13

I'm trembling in my shoes at the thought of what my eldest is going to be like at 15! She's quite sensible so maybe not drinking and drugging but oh the attitude and the stropping that's in the pipeline...

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dawndonnaagain · 15/07/2014 00:13

If it is any consolation I have a 19 year old ds who has never been known to back down and 17 year old twin dds, oh and a lovely 29 year old ds who no longer lives at home and who has come out the other side of all of this.

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mathanxiety · 17/07/2014 06:54

Get a very basic non 3G phone (if you can find one). Take away the nice one. A basic phone can still text.

Put up a list of her chores/things she has to do herself so you won't have to speak.

Put the rabbit up for re-homing if she won't feed it.

When school rolls around next year, you can sit down with her and maybe plan how she intends to get her work done and study.

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NoodleOodle · 17/07/2014 11:54

I have taken away all my DD's privileges and she is having to earn them back, even going out without me for a minute has to be earned. I have gone back to a zero tolerance household, not even allowed to chat me back. Saying "two minutes" after I ask for something would count as chatting back.

Luckily I have had lots of support to do this. I've got my Mum, Dad, social worker, and brother on side and have moved back in to my Mum's house temporarily so that she is under constant adult supervision (I am unwell and spending up to 18hrs a day in bed so I really do need this help).

Your situation doesn't sound as bad as mine got though, so maybe you don't need to be so tough, but I can tell you that it is really working for me to have a harmonious household when DD had previously gone beyond my control. It came to this point as my DD was exploding with rage just from me expecting her to behave respectfully, breaking her things, my things, cutting and suicide attempts, punching me in the face, and the final straw was staying out overnight and having to be found by the police. Not under my roof = not under my control, and it was either lock down or foster care as options from there.

She's been really pleasant since she failed the first time at being given a little bit of freedom, and seeing that it wouldn't be tolerated as I got her picked up by the police for not being home at 6.30pm on the dot. Feels like having my old child back, the one who respected me and was also fun to be around at about age 10. Still, just to make sure things are completely tickety-boo before moving back to our own house where I have to be certain she will behave even if I am incapacitated in bed, I am considering a brat camp these summer holidays...

I know how you feel about loving but not liking your child, that's how I felt.I nearly started questioning whether I even loved her tbh, or just felt socially responsible, which was hard as I'd always assumed my motherly love was unconditional but a couple of black eyes does make you reconsider these things. Hopefully it is reassuring to you that my DD has come out the other side of that and we are close and both happy again now, so the relationship can change.

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DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 20/07/2014 11:34

Got the Tshirt.

Get her a Nokia 100, take her bedroom door off its hinges if she slams it, lock up the food and call the police at the next theft. No laundry, no money, no TV. Treat everything she says as a lie unless she provides proof.

NO MORE NAGGING.

The reward in our case is a truly wonderful young woman who has a social circle over 100, is a damn good housekeeper and who lost 5 stone when her unhappiness ended. Your DD isn't happy; it's endemic to teens. You can't make them happy yourself, but if you allow them the space they can develop the strengths to make themselves happy.

Good luck and courage.

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