Should I bring it up again?

(35 Posts)
Charlie1010 Mon 07-Jul-14 00:29:21

Ok so I'm not a parent but I thought since you guys all were you would be the best place for advice!

Basically I've been with my boyfriend 6 months. We're both 18. I have slept over at his house a few times and we share the same bed...which I'm almost 100% sure my mum knows about.

My parents have quite old fashioned views and when my boyfriend does stay is told to stay in the spare room. I understand this is a matter of respect to them. However I didn't realise this meant all the time and not just when they were in.

My family went on holiday a couple of months ago, leaving me behind as I didn't have the money to go with them..I was the house sitter so to speak. My mum asked if I wanted me boyfriend to stay with me for the week since I would be alone. I obviously agreed and he stayed. Everything was fine until they got back.

I was speaking to my mum about our dog who wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone and even slept with him. To which she replied did he (the dog) not sleep in your bed? (His normal sleeping place). I was a bit confused and didn't think anything of it and said 'well yeah'. Now I realise that she was under the impression me and my boyfriend had slept in different rooms while they were away. Which tbf I can understand as they didn't let us any other time -although as I say I did t realise the sleeping sepearte thing applied even when they are out of country!

On one hand I don't think she's so naive to think to we didn't share a bed at some point but on the other I think she felt she trusted me enough to bide by the normal rules because she didn't do that with my dad when they were young and still living with ther parents.

I feel really bad. I feel like i lied to her (unintentionally). I may be overthinking it, I'm not sure.

Do I bring it up again and explain the truth?
Or do I leave it?

Charlie1010 Mon 07-Jul-14 00:30:20

Since you guys all are**
Sorry don't know how or if you can edit.

Pangaea Mon 07-Jul-14 00:49:19

Leave it. Mums a bit naive to think two adults in a relationship in a empty house won't sleep together.

Mum just probably struggles with the idea of you being sexually active. Sad, but it can be hard if you are traditional.

Get on with it, respect her rules when you need to. But honestly don't worry about this. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

mathanxiety Mon 07-Jul-14 05:22:05

How are you 'almost 100% sure' your mum knows about sharing the bed at the boyfriend's house? Have you or your BF actually said anything about it to your parents?

And why the coy 'sharing a bed' turn of phrase?

If you consider yourself an adult and that you and your BF can partake of the privileges of adulthood (now there's a coy turn of phrase if ever there was one) then it's time to sit your mum down and talk to her woman to woman.

I think it's far more respectful of one's parents to be honest with them and to trust them to be grown ups about the information than to sneak around behind their backs, lie by omission and pretend to yourself that they must know what is going on.

Cerisier Mon 07-Jul-14 05:43:12

No don't bring it up, it really wouldn't help matters and might make them much worse.

As a parent of an 18YO I am more concerned that the rest of the family went on holiday but you couldn't afford to go so were left behind.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Mon 07-Jul-14 05:47:38

If the dog normally sleeps in your bed then how was it 'sleeping with' your boyfriend and proof that he wouldnt leave him alone? Surely the dog was just sleeping where he always sleeps? Are you sure you didnt use that as a way to hint to your mum that boyfriend was in your bed?

cathyandclaire Mon 07-Jul-14 06:03:15

I'd leave it, I'm sure your Mum understands, you sound like a lovely daughter smile

PERHAPS YOU should tell her you are on the pill, or at least taking precautions?

ChillySundays Mon 07-Jul-14 13:55:36

Wouldn't mention unless she brings it up. My DD19 boyfriend sleeps in a separate room when he stays but if we weren't there I wouldn't be surprised if they slept in the same bed.

pasanda Mon 07-Jul-14 14:40:32

I would leave it too.

I'm sorry but I think your mum is very naive to think that you and your boyfriend wouldn't share a bed whilst she is away ….for a week!

I didn't take your post to mean that you were sneaking around behind her back at all.

You sound very sensible and lovely and I too am a bit hmm that the rest of your family went on holiday but left you behind because you (at the age of 18!) couldn't afford it.

mathanxiety Mon 07-Jul-14 14:48:02

Is there anything holding you back from having a chat with her?

MostWicked Mon 07-Jul-14 15:29:13

It sounds like a bit of naivety on her part, a reality that she didn't really want to face, but no harm done.

it's time to sit your mum down and talk to her woman to woman.
Why?? I really don't see why she should have to tell her any more detail. It's none of her business, she is an adult. Mum knew the bf was staying so there's no deception. What she does in her private life is her business.

I'd leave it.

ThedementedPenguin Mon 07-Jul-14 15:33:33

I think to be honest you have over thought it.

By saying he wouldn't leave your boyfriend alone and even slept with him you made it sound like you were in separate beds and that the dog slept with him instead of you.

I don't think your mum was naive at all. She probably knew rightly that you had slept together

mathanxiety Mon 07-Jul-14 15:48:55

I have DCs aged 13 to 24 and I know I would prefer not to be made a fool of by any of them in circumstances like these. The longer this goes on with mum not being explicitly told the more she is going to feel foolish and perhaps angry or even disappointed in her DD, or worried that her DD couldn't just be upfront with her about the relationship, when she eventually finds out or is told.

I would not be so naive as to think that if a DC and one of their BFs or GFs were spending the night alone together they weren't having sex, but if the OP's mother is showing no sign of copping on (and she has not been told outright that the relationship is sexual, nor has she shown the slightest hint that she knows this) then in the interests of putting the relationship with the mother on an adult footing I would suggest sitting mum down and telling her. Think of it as growing your mother up?

OP, is this your first serious relationship? Your first BF?

MostWicked Mon 07-Jul-14 22:35:54

The longer this goes on with mum not being explicitly told the more she is going to feel foolish and perhaps angry or even disappointed in her DD

But its none of mum's business! If she feels foolish or disappointed, that's her problem. She has no right to expect to be told.

And I don't think the OP's mum expects it.

Pangaea Mon 07-Jul-14 23:03:05

Agree with MostWicked.

The girl is an adult, as is the boyfriend. Is she is disappointed in her daughter for being sexually active, those are Mum's issues. Not hers.

cathyandclaire Mon 07-Jul-14 23:22:30

Math I really don't think most mums need or want to know explicitly what their eighteen year old daughters are doing in bed with their boyfriends. Knowing they are safe and happy is surely sufficient.
I'm old enough to have teenage daughters of my own but I remember my mum practically putting her fingers in her ears and going lalalala if anything was vaguely broached... She knew, I knew, she just didn't want it < ahem> rammed down her throat

mathanxiety Tue 08-Jul-14 04:09:31

It is happening under her roof, so I think it behoves the OP to be up front about it.

Sorry to have been ambiguous in the way I expressed it, but I didn't mean to suggest the mum would be disappointed in her DD for being sexually active, but that she might be disappointed or angry that the DD carried on a relationship whose nature she was not told about under her roof and for what may well be a considerable length of time (no way to forecast how long of curse). Maybe the mum thinks they are closer than they are?

There's no need to get into explicit detail about what goes on under the covers, just to say to the mum that the OP and her BF have a relationship that involves sex.

MostWicked Tue 08-Jul-14 08:53:08

I just don't agree Math
If she wants to tell her mum, then that is absolutely up to her, but if she doesn't, she has no obligation to. Her mum does not need to know everything that goes on under her roof. What if she is just at the heavy petting stage, does she have to tell mum that? What about if they have slept naked together but not had sex? Why on earth does she have to tell her mum when she is in a relationship that involves sex?
I had a fantastic and open relationship with my mum. She knew when I went on the pill, but I would never have told her when I started having sex, that would have just been very weird!
It's seriously intrusive, nosey and of no relevance to her whatsoever! What is mum even going to do with the information? Why is it even relevant that it is going on under her roof? (particularly when she isn't even there). Should she have to tell her mum if it was going on elsewhere?

mathanxiety Tue 08-Jul-14 23:57:16

I think having sex is quite a biggie under the heading of 'things that go on under one's roof'. It's relevant because presumably the mum is paying for the roof. There is nothing so sacrosanct about children's sexual relationships that it puts the place in which those relationships take place outside of a parent's legitimate sphere of interest. I think there is a measure of deceit and disrespect and immaturity going on here.

Her mum has given her ample opportunities to be open. If her mum ever finds out via some other source or in circumstances other than a frank conversation I think she might be left wondering exactly what sort of relationship she really has with her DD, why her DD didn't feel she could be open.

Otoh, presumably the mum thinks her DD has a need to be protected or for support while she is alone or she wouldn't have suggested having the BF stay over during the parents' absence -- maybe it would be a good thing to tell the mum she is capable of looking after herself, forging her own way, paying for her keep at home, making decisions about her own personal life, etc. -- in general, behaving and getting treated like an adult. A resetting of the relationship? The DD isn't a child any more. Sometimes mothers need to have that spelled out to them.

MostWicked Wed 09-Jul-14 10:05:11

There is nothing so sacrosanct about children's sexual relationships that it puts the place in which those relationships take place outside of a parent's legitimate sphere of interest.

I just don't get this at all. Your ADULT child's sexual relationships are a private matter between the 2 consenting and legally old enough young people. The parent may be interested but the right for privacy is far higher than any interest (nosiness) of the parent.
At what age would it be ok for a young adult to have a sexual relationship without having to tell their parents?

I don't understand the payment of the house either. Why does paying for the house, mean that you have the right to know intimate details of a personal relationship that is legally going on inside that house? If an 18yr old rented a room, the landlord wouldn't have the right to know. The payment is irrelevant.

I think there is a measure of deceit and disrespect and immaturity going on here.
Just because she has had opportunity to tell her mum, it doesn't mean that she should have to, and it most certainly does not show any deceit, disrespect or immaturity.

mathanxiety Wed 09-Jul-14 22:31:23

I am of the opinion that if a child is an adult she lives in her own place and supports herself. She can have a sexual relationship without telling parents when she has her own address and pays for their own upkeep.

I do think there is disrespect, deceit and immaturity here, and disingenuity too -- ' I have slept over at his house a few times and we share the same bed...which I'm almost 100% sure my mum knows about.'

If you are a grown up, own it.

MostWicked Thu 10-Jul-14 14:13:15

She is owning it, she just didn't spell it out to her mum, as is her right as an adult. Why should she have to say, "I am staying at his house and we are having sex"?
There is nothing in providing financial support or housing, that should give you as a parent, the right to know everything about your adult child.
It is pure nosiness from the parent. Why is the sex relevant? What would you as a parent, do with that information? The only reason for wanting to know, is to satisfy your own curiosity.

mathanxiety Thu 10-Jul-14 21:27:34

I reread the OP and this leapt from the page at me:
Now I realise that she was under the impression me and my boyfriend had slept in different rooms while they were away. Which tbf I can understand as they didn't let us any other time -although as I say I did t realise the sleeping sepearte thing applied even when they are out of country!
'as they didn't let us any other time'
So the OP is actively deceiving her mother. The question of sleeping together has in fact come up and the mother has stated her disapproval.

You can't both own it and simultaneously hide it, either by omission or commission.

I think 'adult child' means person who does not still live under your roof. If you as an 18 yo want to sleep with a BF and your parents won't allow it in their house then your choice is to either move out or not do it. Or only do it at the BF's house.

Do parents have a right to say 'no sleeping with the BF under our roof'? If the OP thinks not, then she needs to either make a better case for being an adult (how much does she pay for her room and board, how much does she contribute by way of help in the running of the house?) or she needs to start on plans to move out. I gather she is not financially independent, and maybe establishing that needs to be a priority of hers.

It's not nosiness from the parent if the parent is providing the bed -- or perhaps more pertinently beds -- for people who are in fact sleeping together and need only one bed. Just as a practical consideration, an 18 year old whose mother, out of ignorance of the fact that her daughter and her boyfriend are sleeping together, is going to feel she has been made a fool of for (for example) making up a second bed for the BF to sleep in if he stays over.

Or more apropos of the mother-daughter relationship, she may feel she has been made a fool of for thinking she and her daughter have an open and mutually respectful relationship.

Or wrt welcoming the BF into her house, she may feel that the BF has been conducting the relationship with her (the mother) on an entirely different basis from the basis on which the mother thought he was conducting it. Someone who is having sex with your daughter is presumably someone whose relationship with your DD is more serious than a relationship that doesn't involve sex.

In this case where it is fairly clear that the mother and daughter have already spoken about the matter, going behind the mother's back means the OP isn't yet an adult.

MostWicked Thu 10-Jul-14 23:47:19

So she should tell her mum that she is having sex because she doesn't pay rent, her mum might make up the spare bed and it would change the way her mum interacts with her bf. (That last one is the scariest of all!)

You haven't convinced me. Even if she was 16, she would be legally old enough and have to right to privacy.

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