My 14 yo ds is sexually active

(25 Posts)
slimeyjoe Sun 15-Jun-14 11:57:46

So my son left his facebook signed in on my ipad, and i kept getting messages pop up as he had a conversation with his 16yo girlfriend on facebook..
They were talking about sex, a lot. How she enjoyed doing it with him, how she preferred it when they DIDNT use a condom, they even discussed the possiblity of anal.
I AM FREAKING OUT.
Hes had 'the talk', hes very well informed, and Ive worked hard to keep channels of communication open with him. Whenever said gf comes over to visit, they are never left alone, always chaperoned, so Ive no idea when these liasons have taken place!?
The only time theyre ever alone as far as im aware is when he goes to meet her from the bus stop to walk back to our house..15 mins max..
My OH has gone mental, he wants to knock the crap out of him...I know thats just an initial shock response to our finding out last night, but I know hes going to be having serious words with him later.. I would like to address the situation first if I can, but ds is so surly and teeager like, its hard getting a conversation out of him generally, especially one which he wont enjoy and will be embarrassing..
I really dont know where to start, any advice would be welcome.

Mumof3xox Sun 15-Jun-14 11:59:43

Oh dear op

I have little advice as my eldest is only 6.

Does your ds go to his girlfriends house at all?

HoneyBooBooChild Sun 15-Jun-14 12:02:12

There's no point 'knocking the crap out of him', he's clearly sexually active and you disapproving of it unfortunately isn't going to stop him. If they don't like using condoms then you should calmly discuss with him other contraception ideas that they should consider. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, he will only be defensive and certainly very angry and embarrassed that you've looked at his Facebook. Try to be understanding, and explain if they're going to do it they need to be safe. Good luck!

scratchandsniff Sun 15-Jun-14 12:03:13

Well you won't be able to stop it. Teenagers will always find somewhere to have sex. All you can do is be honest about what you've seen and try and mke him realise how important safe sex is. Ask him if he's ready to be a father at 14?

Madratlady Sun 15-Jun-14 12:06:30

Talk to him about both getting screened for STDs and the importance of making sure they always use contraception, whatever type they choose. Maybe leave him a leaflet on contraception that he can look at later or if he doesn't want to discuss it with you.

SoonToBeSix Sun 15-Jun-14 12:08:18

I disagree at 14 if your dc refuse to follow your rules ie no sex then something has gone badly wrong.

BobbyGentry Sun 15-Jun-14 12:29:57

Are you ready to become a grandparent? And if the lesson's not learnt then you could, conceivably, become a great grandparent in 15 years time. Show him a birthing video and talk about where, in his room, the baby will go!

Teenagers brains work differently, more primal, (think of Romeo & Juliet - less than 200 words & they'll die for each other) so you really need to illustrate the consequences of their actions.

Also, if his girlfriend's had partners before him then he's sleeping with them too, on a bacterial level, so may need a trip to the STI clinic.

From her perspective, an intimate relationship with a minor should be against the law, if the genders were reversed it would seem more shocking.

Best of luck in a very difficult situation

enderwoman Sun 15-Jun-14 12:34:59

I have a 13 year old so understand how hard it would be to bring this up. In my son's case, I would be playing the STD and pregnancy angle. If he had to go to a sexual health clinic I think he would be shocked about the very adult consequences of sex. He has seen teen parents out and about /on TV and wouldn't want to be one but has very little clue about STDs. When I was a teen we were all scared if AIDs and I think that there isn't an equivalent for this generation.
As he is already sexually active I don't think you could stop him now and perhaps the best case scenario would be to have him stick to oral? I don't know...

juliascurr Sun 15-Jun-14 12:38:51
weatherall Sun 15-Jun-14 12:52:35

How well do you know the gf?

Discourage DP going down the 'punishment' route.

He is past the age of puberty- sexual desire is perfectly normal and natural.

However you need to talk to both of them about the consequences of sex in modern society. Get some information in different types of contraception. Discuss it with them in a non judgemental way. Don't lecture them. Let them make up their own minds. Discuss the different types if stds, how they are transmitted, their signs and lt effects. Discuss the map. Discuss their plans if a pregnancy occurs. Ime boys often assume the girl will have an abortion without ever having discussed it. Get them to talk to each other about it. Dispel any myths they may have heard eg safe periods and withdrawal.

Keeping communication open is the best idea IMO.

Lucked Sun 15-Jun-14 12:54:01

How about talking to both of them together, making them aware that you know about the conversation, the sex without condoms etc and letting the girl know that you will be informing her parents. This is VERY RISKY behaviour and I think adults need to step in.

Lucked Sun 15-Jun-14 12:55:17

The reason I think you need to speak to the girl is her saying she likes sex without condoms, if she continues along these lines your son will feel a lot of pressure to comply even after you talk.

slimeyjoe Sun 15-Jun-14 12:55:52

Thanks all for the advice.. Have just had a long chat with him and it got rather emotionally charged.. He fessed up and we both cried... Hes told me it was just the once and that they used a condom, i dont know if hes telling the whole truth, but its a start.. He also said that she told him if he didnt do it, she'd dump him. Nice.
I've re iterated all the STI info, the pregnancy issue, and the prospect of her being arrested for sex with a minor.. It wasnt an easy conversation.
Hes gone off now, playing with his brothers and hes seems to be relieved.. A lot less 'weighed down', a bit more like a kid again..hopefully thats not just my imagination....

slimeyjoe Sun 15-Jun-14 13:18:54

Ive met the gf a few times when shes been round here, seems ok.. From what ds has told me her family set-up is a bit disjointed and it seems to me that shes crying out for the affection she isnt getting at home. Feel sorry for the kid tbh.. Part of me wants to feel proud of my son for wanting to 'look after' this girl, but another part wants to keep him far away from her and her neediness..

Mumof3xox Sun 15-Jun-14 13:20:29

Hopefully she's not after a baby to gain that attention

slimeyjoe Sun 15-Jun-14 13:20:59

@Honeybooboo and weatherall, have already spoken to oh re 'punishment', and it wont be happening x

The GF sounds abusive. I wouldn't want my teenage DD in a relationship where she was emotionally blackmailed into having sex, nor would I want it for my DS. The fact she is pressurising him to have sex with her and wanting to not use a condom is a huge red flag.
I hope that your DS quickly comes to the conclusion for himself that he needs to end the relationship.

specialsubject Sun 15-Jun-14 13:36:59

this would not be acceptable with a boy pressuring a girl, and it isn't acceptable this way round.

anyone who says 'have sex with me or get dumped' should be given the latter choice. Hope you can make him see that.

CrotchMaven Sun 15-Jun-14 13:40:16

You really need to have a chat about relationships, emotions and boundaries, not just sits and pregnancy.

PetyrBaelishsConscience Sun 15-Jun-14 13:42:24

I'd be a wee bit concerned that she was looking to create her own family to make sense of the turmoil that her own is in. I think you need to be completely frank with your DS about sex and parenthood and making your own decisions. He can quite happily have sex if he chooses, becoming a parent at 15 is another thing. Is he confident enough to insist upon condom usage every time regardless of other contraception?

LoveBeingInTheSun Sun 15-Jun-14 13:46:19

You need to talk to him about being pressures into something he isn't ready for.

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 15-Jun-14 13:55:21

That's awful that he was pressurized into it. sad

I would be talking to him about healthy relationships.

MiloSimpson Sun 15-Jun-14 13:58:31

It;s good you've managed to have a frank and full discussion with your Son, I would suggest that you need to now speak to both of them together or at least see her with her parents. Without chatting to her, you'll never really get an idea of the full story and/or where she is coming from and whether she really is putting pressure on him.

I know you mentioned her family but have you actually met them? Do you think they'd agree to meeting up?

HoneyBooBooChild Sun 15-Jun-14 14:37:58

I'm glad it went ok for you OP. I second special though, if this was a boy pressuring a girl nobody would stand for it. Maybe he's not emotionally ready for sex. I would discourage the relationship, it doesn't sound healthy, but it is ultimately his choice. It sounds like you tackled it really well slimey, good for you.

slimeyjoe Wed 18-Jun-14 18:59:54

Sorry for late reply all, have been at work... To address you all..
I also think the gf is a bit abusive, I have suggested this to him (trying to tell him straight out just isn't an option) and he seems to agree, but whether or not this is just to appease me I can't tell.. They have split up/ got back together again a number of times now, so I can't see it lasting long term, just hoping he finds a new focus sooner rather than later, I won't let her visit here now, and since she's older than him and is now doing her GSCEs, she's only in school for exams now, and then is off to another college in September, so tbh they won't really be able to see each other anyway.. I get the feeling he feels a bit panicky about that and that may have influenced his decision..?
As far as I've been informed her family situation isn't great, no mum or dad, older siblings who live away and are not really in contact and I think she lives with an aunt.. I've not met them, and how much they are know about my ds I don't know, he's not met them either.. I'm going what I can to monitor the situation, but I don't feel it my place to address her directly.. I know I should, but I can't. I'm certainly not happy about the pressure she's put on him, but short of keeping them apart now, I don't know what else to do..

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