Abuse by Teen

(34 Posts)
dreamcatcher33 Fri 13-Jun-14 23:58:38

For the first time today my teenage daughter hit me. I was in the process of taking away her phone because she was being rude and disrespectful and she punched me 5 times in the back of the head.

AnotherStitchInTime Sat 14-Jun-14 00:08:01

I'm sorry to hear that dreamcatcher, how are you now? Is there a history? She has assaulted you, what do you want to do about it? You can report her to the Police and have them talk to her, might prevent her doing it again to come down hard on that sort of behaviour from the beginning.

ChillySundays Sat 14-Jun-14 09:56:59

I so sorry dreamcatcher. I don't know what to advise - maybe someone who has been though similar will be able to give some advice. After sleeping on it is she sorry (not that it makes it ok).

moggiek Sat 14-Jun-14 15:40:11

I know how hellishly difficult this is, I really do. But, this has to be nipped in the bud - now!! Domestic abuse is domestic abuse, even if the perpetrator is one of your children. Phone the police.

ChillySundays Sat 14-Jun-14 20:38:01

How are you doing dreamcatcher?

Trazen Sat 14-Jun-14 23:50:36

Are you ok. I hope so. That must of been so hurtful for you Please phone the police. So hard to do on your own child but she must know she cannot treat you that way. Can her dad have a word. Older brothers or uncles. This may not be politically correct but I would of hit her back tbh or phoned the police

Zinkies Sun 15-Jun-14 10:39:40

I sympathise with your daughter. I don't say you deserve to be hit; no-one does. But is this situation not your fault? It's pretty "rude and disrespectful" to snatch someone's phone.

I imagine she thinks you don't have a right to deprive her of her property and viewed the punching as legitimate self-help. In general, if someone snatched my phone or was trying to wrestle it off me I would feel justified in hitting them. If they already had my phone, which belongs to me, I would try to use social pressure and/or the law to get it back non-violently, but this is not an option realistically open to your daughter.

The proposition that one person (you) has the right to take another person's property (the phone) simply because you gave birth to her is ... not obvious. It's not clear whether or not you do have such a right, morally or legally. I think you don't and so, presumably does your daughter, but the normal laws regarding property are not applied to family relationships like yours; hence you have an anarchical situation which is open to violence.

Do you have a right to be spoken to by your children as if you were inherently superior and that you have a right to punish her by depriving her of her property if she says something contrary to this, much as in the past, or in more backward countries, a husband might punish a wife if she were "rude" or "disrespectful"? A lot of people agree with the idea that you do, but it's not clear that modern British society necessarily does as a whole.

In general, I think you should avoid conflict like this with your daughter.

Contact with the police is likely to severely harm a young person's future and should be avoided, even at significant cost. They aren't there primarily to help you, but to prevent crime and disorder. It's quite possible she would be formally cautioned, which would be a criminal record and haunt her essentially forever.

SalaciousCrumb Sun 15-Jun-14 20:07:24

Zinkies it's good you're engaging with how the op's dd would see things. Taking phones etc away, grounding them etc doesn't seem to work; teenagers have a sense of entitlement and are very mindful of their rights.

Better to refuse to pay for the phone, don't give them lifts or do anything for them if they are continually rude and disrespectful.

Teens don't see their parents from what you are saying Zinkies as the ultimate authority figure who has the right to take away property. Parents see these things as privileges given to their teenage children which dreamcatcher thought her daughter had lost the right to by not subscribing to the model of automatically respecting ones parents.

Dreamcatcher I hope you are OK. Violence towards parents is more becoming more common and you are not alone sad Maybe try and get communication back with her and in a neutral setting tell her that violence is never acceptable and if she does it again you will call the police. She probably feels ashamed. The best advice I was given by a colleague is to wait until everybody is calm until imposing any conseqences. Good luck.

Spidermama Mon 16-Jun-14 09:03:30

My DD kicked me in the stomach the first time I took her phone from her. It's easy to say that we shouldn't take their phones but sometimes it seems to be the only option, the only thing they care about. I was so shocked. I remember I shouted out to the whole household, 'She just kicked me in the stomach'.

I agree that we shouldn't just snatch the phone and I've never done that since. Now I say, 'If you don't blah blah then you will have to give me your phone for 24 hours and if you don't give me your phone I'll cancel the contract'. It's still the only thing which works.

If I were you I'd tell others what happened (ie grandparents, aunties) and let her know you're doing that. She must be forced to face up to what she's done and see it as it really is, through the eyes of others. I would also keep talking to her about it, even if you fear doing so will rock the boat in those precious areas of calm!

My DD is two weeks in to a 7 week mindfulness course which really seems to be helping.

It's not easy though and I feel for you. Hang in and the very best of luck to you.

I'm open mouthed at Zinkies response.

Op has just been assaulted (punched 5 times in the back of the head no less!) by her daughter.

Taking a phone is a standard punishment for a teen, and does not mean that the teen has a right to physically assault her parent.

The argument that she could get a police record is appalling. And yes a beaten wife could get her abusive husband a police record, which could make him unemployable, should she sit there in silence?

A line has been crossed and it must be challenged. Op, please call the police, if you don't do something now you are sending a message that there will be no consequences to violence. That could ruin your daughter's life forever. She needs to learn now that this is unacceptable.

Violence must always be challenged. Always.

mumiron Sun 22-Jun-14 07:24:34

I dare say your daughter was as shocked at her actions as you were. My son kicked me once. I found it very hard to speak to him for a while and our home was under a cloud until I worked my way through all the horrible feelings. It did put our relationship on a different footing. I suppose I didn't treat him like a child anymore and similarly, he became aware of how scary his anger could be and curbed it. (Threw iphone at the wall!!) Threaten to cancel the contract next time!

Mitzi50 Sun 22-Jun-14 09:07:18

I am so sorry this has happened. Although I disagree with much of zinkies post, I would only involve the police as a last resort. I work on a voluntary basis with young offenders and sadly DV against parents is a common reason for their conviction - this does have long term consequences if they wish to pursue certain careers eg teaching, child care.

Whilst it is obviously not acceptable behaviour, I do think isolated incidents are different from adult DV. Current research suggests that the teenage brain experiences a sudden increase in development (much like a toddler's brain) which can lead to impulsive/reckless behaviour.

www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml

Can you afford family counselling? If so I would follow this route first, making it very clear to your daughter that any further violence will result in police involvement and making sure that she understands that this could limit her chances of employment in certain professions.

In the meantime, if you feel a situation is escalating, I would walk away and say that you will discuss matters later when everyone has calmed down. SalaciousCrumb's suggested sanctions are less emotive but would make your point very clearly.

SalaciousCrumb Sun 22-Jun-14 18:33:48

Thanks for the link Mitzi

zinkies do you have teenage children?

Parents have the right to withdraw goodwill such as paying for phones etc; your post illustrates how old style respect has gone "Do you have the right to be spoken to by your children as if you were inherently superior." Well perhaps not, but with today's empowered teenagers a different approach is needed from when I was growing up in the 1970s and 80s. With having an 12 year old who has hit me over being banned from skype (he'd learnt some colourful language - broadcast into his friends' houses and I had complaints from parents) I'm still working it out sad. I am glad you posted though as it is from the perspective of the young person.

In the past before skype, facebook etc they just would have slugged it out in the park.... he's now angling for a facebook account, but definitely not until he is 13 <sigh>

SalaciousCrumb Sun 22-Jun-14 18:36:36

When I was hit by my son I would say I mishandled the situation by dealing with the matter when he was very angry after arguments over Minecraft....should have waited until he's calmed down sad

CeliaFate Sun 22-Jun-14 21:19:13

I would cancel her contract and buy her a cheap pay as you go phone.
She'd be grounded for a week and she would know in no uncertain terms that if she did it again she'd be talking to the police. Being assaulted by your child is no different to being assaulted by anyone - completely unacceptable and deserves to be punished harshly.

I cannot imagine a situation ever where it was ok for my children to punch me.

Come down hard on it now (in a calm, measured way), or you risk her doing it again imho.

nicoleshitsinger Sun 22-Jun-14 21:32:57

Zinkie - women have been victims of domestic violence at the hands of their adult male partners for years. Now they are increasingly being beaten and abused by their teenager children.

You use the same argument adult men use for justifying physically abusing their children and partners: he/she provoked me, they were disrespectful, it's not really assault and I don't deserve a criminal record.

It is assault.

OP - tell your dd you will call the police if she raises a hand to you again.

And cancel her phone contract.

nicoleshitsinger Sun 22-Jun-14 21:35:35

I think Zinkie is 15.

greeneggsandjam Mon 23-Jun-14 00:16:43

I was so shocked by Zinkies post I had to read it twice. What an absolute load of twaddle! Glad to hear others feel the same. Dear Op, please ignore her advice!

I have been though the same phone dramas though haven't been hit on the head 5 times yet. I think she might be losing lots of rights if she was my daughter for a good amount of time. Sorry Zinkie!!

Mrsrochesterscat Mon 23-Jun-14 00:36:55

Dream I am in the middle of what happens if you don't involve the police - my teen realised she had absolute power over the household using violence. I wish I was brave enough to call the police before, because it has triggered a huge amount of support from outside agencies.

In my experience the police have handled every situation perfectly. She has not been charged and until last month they hadn't even taken her to the station (and this was at my insistence - a really tough decision).

Don't leave it until she has learnt to abuse her new found power. Speak to the police tomorrow, they will have a special youth working officer who will have a chat with her. If she ever even threatens violence again call 999. Just one of those punches could have knocked you over or into a sharp corner - how would DD feel if she fatally injured you?

Is she showing any remorse? I have requested the assistance of social workers - I have been advised to remove the phone permanently following an identical incident.

Right away (tomorrow) speak to your GP and request a CHAMS referral. It will take around a year to come through, which is why it's got to be done now. Anything you can add to the referral to speed it up the better. They are likely to reject the first referral.

All the best dreams - it is a tough road.

nooka Mon 23-Jun-14 00:43:12

Doesn't it slightly depend on what 'I was in the process of taking away her phone' actually means. It could be that there was a bit of a tussle in which tempers were lost. Not great, obviously but needs different management than an attack out of nowhere, which would fit the domestic abuse scenario better.

Fights with teenagers are better diffused or not engaged with than escalated. I have two teens, but they are mostly pretty great, we've not had lashing out for a good few years, not to say that it might not arise again. Also my children are also both bigger than me so physical altercations would be a bad idea.

SoonToBeSix Mon 23-Jun-14 00:52:09

I wouldn't phone the police , you can't compare a child with an adult perpetrator of D and V. Yes it is very wrong but would you risk affecting your whole child's future if they received a caution?

Mrsrochesterscat Mon 23-Jun-14 09:52:51

There is no excuse for violence, there is no context in which it is okay - whether 13 or 19, they are old enough to know the danger in just one punch.

OP, I have called the police, many times, so I am not guessing at what happens. They have arrived and picked me up off the floor covered in blood - they still have not arrested or cautioned her. They have put in reports to other agencies to get the help that DD requires. They have read DD the riot act (not literally), but they still treat her like the child she is.

CeliaFate Mon 23-Jun-14 10:02:24

dreamcatcher how are things this morning?

nicoleshitsinger Mon 23-Jun-14 13:27:10

It would affect your child's future more if they hospitalised you, or began to believe that they can legitimately use violence to get their own way.

gymboywalton Mon 23-Jun-14 13:32:10

wtaf??? zinkie-are you on drugs? or just an out of control teenager yourself?

there are NO circumstances when it ok to hit a member of your family surely?

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