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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Teenage sex - funny but not funny - help!

27 replies

getmeoutofteenhell · 29/05/2014 18:57

My 16 y/o son became sexually active with his 15 y/o girlfriend several months ago. The girlfriend's mum is aware too, and has put her on the pill (they are also using condoms as extra insurance!). We both feel it is too young but there are occasions when we they are alone due to our work commitments & we both feel powerless to stop it.
Anyway.....
yesterday the girlfriend was round, they both went upstairs to son's room. Not long afterwards I heard, let's say..... 'noises'. I knew they were watching a DVD and stupidly assumed it was the DVD, so shouted from the bottom of the stairs "can you keep the volume down guys', I could see that the bedroom door was ajar as per house rules so thought they cannot possibly be up to no good.
A few minutes later, I took some laundry upstairs, again heard the 'noises' and realised it was not the DVD, door was still ajar so I knocked on it loudly and said I was opening the door. Thing is, I didn't realise the son has wedged stuff behind it so it would only open so far, so I looked a bit of an idiot and the door didn't budge open much more. I thought OK that will tell them, but another few minutes later I came upstairs again to see the corner of his bed shaking (I can't see the bed in full from the stairs).
I thought bloody hell, the nerve! So made a bit of noise to make them realise I was upstairs, then decided I just can't tolerate this, it was making me feel sick, so knocked on the door, and said "I do not want to hear sex noises again, and your door needs to be fully open - remember the house rules!" and walked downstairs feeling a little pink and just a tad awkward.
Today, I told son that said stuff needs to be removed from back of the door but he doesn't have room for it elsewhere. I want to go in there and find room myself but part of me feels he should be entitled to his own space and that I shouldn't go barging in there organising his room.
How do I deal with this? It's kind of funny looking back on it, but there is now an atmosphere with the son, who has said he now wants to move out (as if).
Advice please from fellow look-afterers of sexually active teens at home.

OP posts:

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KellyHopter · 29/05/2014 19:05

If he's being Marcy I'd be telling him to snap the fuck out of it.

If he wants to have sex then he also has to accept that there are certain responsibilities that go along with it - a pretty big one being nobody else wants to hear it.
They both need a bit of a think about respect. For others and for themselves.
How would he feel if you and your OH were audibly going at it with the door ajar in the middle of the day while he was in the house?

KellyHopter · 29/05/2014 19:06

Marcy!

KellyHopter · 29/05/2014 19:06

Ffs! MARDY!

HattyMonkey · 29/05/2014 19:10

He needs to respect your rules, his gf is under age. Refuse to allow them upstairs when she cones round unless they can show you enough respect as to not be having sex.

Doinmummy · 29/05/2014 19:10

Wait til he's home , preferably with his mates with him and have a proper headboard banging Harry met Sally type session with your DH.

On a more serious note I would say no sex when you're at home.

LIZS · 29/05/2014 19:12

How disrespectful , especially when they knew you'd be going upstairs and were even outside the door. You know they are having sex underage and let them upstairs "to watch a dvd"

Nocomet · 29/05/2014 19:21

You cannot barge in on teens having sex, if you have already, however begrudgingly agreed to it.

It's just not on. You turn the radio up and have the conversation after she's gone home.

My 16y is the most open and chatty teen on the planet, but that would cross the Mother never ever being forgiven ever line.

CeliaFate · 30/05/2014 14:32

I think I would have turned the tv up loudly and then told him to keep it down once she'd gone home.
You've agreed to them having sex so it's illogical to think you can tell them when and where they do it. Also the door ajar as a house rule is bizarre when you know they're in a sexual relationship.
You either treat them as consenting adults or you don't. It's perfectly reasonable to not want or expect to hear them however, so just let your ds know they need to keep the noise down in future.

LIZS · 30/05/2014 14:38

but they're not consenting adults, she's 15.

CeliaFate · 30/05/2014 14:41

*adults, should have said partners.

CeliaFate · 30/05/2014 14:42

I fully understand the OP's aversion to hearing them having sex btw.

getmeoutofteenhell · 30/05/2014 20:35

Jesus how typically mumsnet, i wanted advice not a f..ing earbashing.

Thanks doinmummy for making me smile, instead of making me want to slit my wrists for being such a s..t mother.

OP posts:

chocoluvva · 30/05/2014 22:20

Apologise to your DS for going in to his bedroom when he was obviously having sex. Explain that nobody likes to hear it, so he must close the door properly and turn up his telly to something that will cover any noises)

Charlotteamanda1 · 31/05/2014 07:07

I think your a realistic and sensible mum. Kids have underage sex and we can't stop it. If a parent thinks if they tell them not to or don't let them up stairs will stop them - they are fools.
You have given them a safe place to do it and as they are open with you they can have safe sex too.
I would ask your son to turn the volume off. You threaten to have noisy sex when he's in the house !
Let them shut the door. I get why you asked him to keep it ajar. But hormones overtake being sensible with timings etc.
we were young and passionate once ...... I think !!!!

TroyMcClure · 01/06/2014 15:38

this is just wrong
I wouldnt allow sex in my home, other kids and all

TroyMcClure · 01/06/2014 15:39

Funny how I thought I would NOT think this until i had my own 16 yo

MostWicked · 01/06/2014 16:52

At 15, she is able to consent. Her mum is obviously aware. They are in a relationship and taking precautions. They will have sex, whether you like it or not. Would you prefer they did in at home or in the woods or behind the shops or other places where they could be caught or seen?

I would ask him to be more respectful and keep the noise down and close the door (there is no point keeping it open if it doesn't stop them)
If you want them to not have sex in your house, you need to ban them from his room and accept they will do it elsewhere.

dementedma · 01/06/2014 18:05

Apologise to the Ds!!! Wtf? It is the ops house, not his and she has every right to go in. If Ds doesn't want his mum coming in when he's having sex then he either doesn't do it, or does it elsewhere. And yes, I have teens!!!

dementedma · 01/06/2014 18:06

Apologise to the Ds!!! Wtf? It is the ops house, not his and she has every right to go in. If Ds doesn't want his mum coming in when he's having sex then he either doesn't do it, or does it elsewhere. And yes, I have teens!!!

chocoluvva · 01/06/2014 18:38

Yes, but she knew he was in the throes of having sex and she was deliberately walking in on them!

Not excusing her DS for being inconsiderate though.
(had one experience of hearing ' noises' one afternoon but I didn't try to walk in on them. I turned on two radios and told the offending teen later that the bedroom door must be firmly closed and tv or similar on.) It hasn't happened again and everyone is happy. It's their home too. Just because they don't pay rent doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to use their home for having sex in IMO. Provided they're quiet.

HolidayCriminal · 01/06/2014 18:54

I am so grateful that DS is so very spotty & smelly.

BuzzLightbulb · 02/06/2014 09:07

We had exactly the same experience, but we weren't aware they were having sex yet so came as a double surprise.

Had some similar responses, and from the same people, as you have along the lines of let them get on with it.

But a lot of others saying the opposite. So we have now a very clear house rule that b/friend is not allowed in bedroom and if they want to play grown ups they can start with him being visible in the house and talking to us, not some shadowy figure slipping from front door to bedroom and back.

We havea family room that we have now bought a new TV for so they don't have to spend all the time in the same room as us, they can have their privacy.

But they're not going at it in the house. Obviously we won't know if we're not in and they will break that rule but that's teenagers for you. Especially horny ones.

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Nocomet · 02/06/2014 10:12

OP you asked for advice it's no good getting huffy, when you don't like that advice.

RussianBlu · 03/06/2014 21:40

I would have put my foot firmly up his backside.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 12/06/2014 12:29

Don't worry, they'll soon learn that you wait until parents are out or find somewhere else to have sex.

You're not going to be able to stop them having sex; just to stop them from doing it in your house while you're in.

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