17 & 3/4 DS obsessed with bossy girlfriend(20 Posts)
Hi - Im a first time mumsnet person. Im very concerned/confused about my teenage son. He is supposed to be revising for A levels but is constantly with his GF. She is very cleaver and is 19 and at uni. It is very strange as they cook and eat together every evening in the family house. I find this very divisive as we have always eaten as family. We have two other children who are older and they think it is odd. She is very domineering and often speaks to him in a way I do not like. He has said to an aunt that is batting above his weight!! which is obviously ridiculous to us but not to him . Sounds quite petty in comparison to some problems but he is changing and I'm not sure how to deal with it - it has made me very upset as I feel that I have lost him. Is this more about me then him???
Are they cooking together in your family home - this seems a little unusual, why not suggest that they cook a meal for you all and you all sit and eat together; another night you can invite the girlfriend to join you for a meal but I would try and avoid the situation where they are a 'separate couple'.
Obviously if you get too strict about this you could drive your son away so I think you have to remind him that he does need to study if he wants to pass his A levels and go to University himself.
The bit about 'losing him' is more about you than him, surely it is reasonable that young people make new relationships and move away from the family, but it does seem a bit wierd the way they are doing it, and if it is in your home how did this happen the first time?
Is there a reason for the cooking separately? Vegetarian or vegan diet? Coming in different times?
As difficult as it is I think you need to let him get on with it.. even make an over the top effort to get on with the girlfriend. Nothing to put a teenager off a new boyfriend or girlfriend than their mother loving them!
Hi Thanks for the responses - so quick.
They are cooing and eating separately and they do not have a reason to, I love to cook for everyone and love having everyone around for dinner - one more is no hassle.
She does not seem to like her family and they just let her get on with it, or so it seems in conversation. It feels like she is not wanting DS to spend time with his family because she doesn't, although she does make a point of saying that she is now 'too independent to be doing all that'
Have done the suggesting they cook for all of us, her response was 'thats not fun ha ha'
have invited her for dinner - we do have a lot of family meals. She has attended one or two. I try really hard to like her and try very hard not to show my annoyance (just wait till A Levels are over!!!!)
It is just ODD !!!
forgot to add - the first time I thought it was quite sweet on a weekend night. A little romantic meal.
Then they did it again at a time when I was wanting to cook - I had to wait!! in my own house.
I think you need to be firm with your own son - say something along the lines that he and she using your kitchen occasionally at weekends is one thing but to be thrown out of your own kitchen (esp if they are not offering to cook for you) is just rude and unacceptable.
Do they buy their own food? .
yes they buy their own food.
I have said as such and they now spend even more time at her house!!
I feel like I am cutting my nose off to spite my face. AHHHH
I think I have to wait until A Levels are over to say any more, don't want to add to the stress. Just asked and he is actually home for dinner tonight!! yehhh
I think he is trying very hard to impress her especially as he is younger, I think he wants to appear very independent?
I don't see a problem really if they're buying their own food. Me and DP got together when I was 19 and made our meals separately.
In regards to the bossy thing, what type of things is she saying?
Sound like a mum!!
don't do this, don't do that, hurry up,
I've told you that !! very very opinionated with advice on all aspects of his life. Unfortunately at 19 not all of it is spot on and he does listen to it.
I have tried to ask her to tell him to study more, trying to use her assertiveness !! - not worked yet. Im not blaming her for everything but he is a 17 year old boy obviously having lots of sex with a 19 year old (attractive & clever) girl, he is the envy of all his mates and is enjoying life!! sound very funny when put like that but Im a mum!! and we worry. thats our job!
I would allow them to cook at yours separately on one specific night and say that on other nights they are welcome to join the family meal but there isn't room to cook separately. I know that may feel odd if they go elsewhere but they shouldn't get priority use of the kitchen without your agreement.
Did she know your DS before she went to university? It's a little unusual in her position to have a nowhere boyfriend. As I assume she lives at home from what you've said, I wonder if she has not settled in that well hence looking for bonds outside the peer group, possibly with someone she feels more comfortable, even superior with. All speculation, but..
Really kind of you to respond.
I know your right and I have to have rules - very hard though isn't it?
My DS is very grown up and looks a lot older I think she does feel superior! they were at school together she is one academic year above him. he is youngest in year group she is one of the eldest.
HAve spoken to a few friends about this too. Most people of the same opinion - need some ground rules!! my kitchen, my house, my rules but with a bit of flexibility thrown in for harmony.
It sounds as if you are a little in awe of your son and don't want to tell him what to do but his behaviour is really disrespectful to you. And where are they having 'lots of sex' - not in your home I hope.
I suggest you have a serious chat with him - and surely most teenagers would be out and about not cosying up cooking dinner together - don't make it too comfortable for them .
oh !! not sure about the 'not in your home I hope' we all have different opinions about sex and mine is quite open if in a 'relationship' at almost 18 years old I think its great to have lots of sex - long may it continue!! better than in the park or the back of a car!
As for in awe of my son - you might be right there.
Agree OP - don't see why them doing it in your house is somehow less respectable than in the park / round the back of Tesco etc
BTW in my earlier post 'nowhere' was meant to be 'younger'..
I feel for you jackiechan01 - it's awful when they have a BF or GF who you can see isn't good for them.
Am I right in thinking your DS is leaving school this year? He will change and mature a lot in the next few months. His GF won't seem so sophisticated (in his eyes) when he has started uni/college/whatever - they'll be more 'equal' IYSWIM. Hopefully she won't seem so appealing then.
Definitely don't criticise her in front of him. Be encouraging with his plans for when he leaves school and his studying. Boost his self-esteem as much as you can so he is more likely to start seeing for himself that his GF is bossy etc.
Thanks for advice. Want to screen. Last night he put some dessert on her plate - we actually ate together! and she told him to 'stop feeding me' even though she asked for dessert? whats all that about? as a family we serve each other at times as a nice gesture.
I get the impression that she does not like her family very much - I think she loves them but wants to live independently - I think she should have moved away for Uni rather then stay at home. Very domineering father apparently.
Sad thing is I love independent women, I am a feminist, I enjoy the company of strong opinionated women. I want so much to like her as I do like some aspects of her personality. It is the delivery of her opinions that is at fault - I am sure she will get better with age! Just had a dreadful thought.......... maybe she reminds me of me when i was young!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhh ha ha
Aww. I'm glad you've got a sense of humour about it. You'll probably all look back as a family and have a little giggle about Ms Bossyboots sometime.
Is this your DS first 'serious' girlfriend? Your posts remind me a bit of when my then 15YO DD had a 'serious' BF who was 17. He came from a troubled family too, none of whom shrank from giving their opinions to my DD and me even when they knew I wouldn't agree with them. I felt sorry for the boy, but he annoyed me so much. He was not a good influence on my DD.
Having said that, now that she has a different Bf (she's 17 and he's 18) I can see that some of the things I disapproved of in the first BF were typical of teenage boys. . In one or two things the current BF - who is lovely - is just the same as the one I didn't like.
I sympathise with you - so frustrating. But it will probably work out okay in the end. You may feel this girl is a threat to the family values you've instilled into your DS - but she probably won't be. Your DS won't reject your values because of her even if he appears to be in her thrall at the moment. For all you know, he might have been outraged at her making a fuss over what he knows to be good manners - but he's not going to say so. (Especially if his boring old mum comments on them )
Smile and nod. Keep smiling and nodding.....
Feel free to vent here.
Ha ha - very good!
I have decided to be gushingly gorgeous to her!!!!
Believe it or not this is the youngest of 5 - some I didn't give both to. You would think I would know what to do now!!!
Thanks for the good advice
Gushingly gorgeous - I like your style. (Perhaps you could make a game of it.)
Definitely more than one way to skin a cat.... (evil cackle)
Remembers the time that DD invited the (not-nice) BF round for dinner the following day. BF 18 by this time, said 'okay' he would ask his mum if it was ok the following morning. By dinnertime the following day there was no word from BF. The lavish three-course meal I had prepared (chosen with BF specially in mind as he was a very fussy eater) was ready, so DD texted BF to ask if he was coming and he replied that he would come after dinner as he had forgotten to ask his mum and she had already cooked for the two of them - if he came to ours she'd have to eat on her own.
After enthusing to DD about how considerate BF was to his mum we sat down to enjoy our lovely meal; DH and DS gleefully exclaiming about the extra-large portions they would now be able to have. I insisted on saving the pudding (I still remember two years later that it was homemade banoffee pie ) until later on so that BF could have some. BF declined it, so of course DD didn't have any either (even though she'd been looking forward to it).
They broke up a few weeks later......
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